angry, mardy and fed up

Im so fed up right now, and very angry with the world. I know im being unreasonable but everything is going wrong yet again and im feeling so down, all i want to do is stuff my face if im honest, loose myself in calories, transfat, carbs, sat fat and just plain fat!!! Last night after a really hard day i sat down to watch tv, i was feeling quite proud that despite having had the day from hell i was sticking to my diet, only to be confronted by a tv show. Not just any tv show, a awful fatist programme entitled ' can fat teens hunt?' . I was so angry! No wonder i feel that i am a second class citizen, no wonder i feel that i have to be 'perfect'. Why cant the programme just be about teens? I mean last time i checked, in fact even when i was a teenager, all teens are lazy, think they know it all and quite frankly would struggle to do a weekly food shop let alone hunt! So why was the need to focus on fat teens? Are they saying that fat teens are the only ones that expect their dinner to placed infront of them? It sums up everything i am feeling right now, why cant i just be a normal person? ok so im packing a lot more than i should be, i probably am unfit but ultimately i am a human being! I have bad days, i have good days and no matter which day im on, my choices should be my choices and I really shouldnt have to explain myself! The media goes on and on about anorexia and eating disorders how about you stop going on about weight and let everyone just be who they want to be!!!! xx

Food Porn

So I have been without the internet recently so sorry i am so behind, but I have almost managed to get through easter, the kids eggs are still everywhere and after family do's etc the weeks have been tough. I have been good tho, I had one little slip but i got straight back on it and have been exercising loads. I decided enough was enough i need to get off my huge bum and do something, so the wii as been used daily for a week now, i fully intend to carry it on as well. Thing is i'm not perfect like I said I had a slip and i should have kept up the exercise from day one but I really want to look good and feel good and get sterilized! The only thing is I cant stop teasing myself! Since having the internet back I have been browsing the internet for food! Sad I know, but I cant buy cause I have no money so Im purely looking. Its like porn for dieters, there are sites with mouth watering fudge, chocolate boxes and of course it would be rude not to go on the thorntons website to see all the reduced easter eggs! I spend my days avoiding shops that will tip me over the edge, and yet i spend my evenings drooling over peanut butter fudge! Why do i do it? Its torture but in a weird way its also about facing my demons, its about looking but not touching, its about having two internet windows open, one selling chocolate, the other selling shoes and deciding which on would make my arse look smaller! xx

Easter Torture!

Happy Easter everyone! So how am I doing? The self confessed chocoholic! Well I'm pleased to report that so far I have been very good, that's not to say I haven't found it hard. Yesterday was particularly tough, we have family down from various locations and its busy seeing them all and socialising, but I have not once fell off the wagon, I even volunteered to be designated driver so that I have a good excuse not to drink. Today is obviously Easter Sunday, and I'm very nervous if I'm honest there is going to be chocolate everywhere i turn. I cannot promise right now that I am going to be good but that is my aim, I went shopping earlier in the week and stocked up on fish and sugar free jellies and even though I do have a Easter egg (a double decker one!) I don't intend to eat it, when i next get weighed I will then treat myself to a little bit of egg and that is the way it will be eaten over the next few weeks. I tell you now that will be the longest a Easter egg as ever lasted in my life! I remember one Easter when i was little, I cant have been more than 8 and I had been sent to bed for being naughty (nothing changes hey!) What my mother failed to remember was my Easter eggs were in my bedroom! Needless to say I wasn't too bothered about being sent to bed! I seem to remember a 'My little pony' egg with a mug being very enjoyable! So wish me luck guys I'm going to need it! xx

Ive turned my boyfriend into a secret eater!

Ok so i myself am talking about how obsessive i have become and now i appear to be getting worse! Im obviously not improving cause i caught my boyfriend eating! That's right CAUGHT, he was hiding away in the kitchen trying to sneakily eat so i wouldn't notice! Now my boyfriend is perfect in my eyes, i have never put him on a diet and i have never said anything about what he eats, so why the secret eating????? He feels he cant eat food in front of me especially if it is 'forbidden' food. I mean jesus i'm not that bad am i? What does he think i will do? Rugby tackle him to the floor and steal it off him? Lick it off his lips as i am so possessed by the sight of chocolate? Or scold him for eating non diet food? Of course not, for a start i can be scary when i am detoxing from all those oh so terrible, full of fat, sugary but oh so gorgeous treats but i have never stopped anyone else from eating. In fact i have to buy it! Bless him he said he just wanted to support me,and hes been so good but i dont need him to stop him being himself, i just need him to respect my diet and take his hands OFF MY SUGAR FREE JELLY!

The secret behind my weight

OK so i said one day i would feel ready to share the full story of why i am so obsessed with loosing weight, binging and feel that i have developed an eating disorder. Today i feel ready to share the whole story. As i have said before i was always big from a little girl and although at times it bothered me, i kind of got used to being big, no one expected me any other way and i generally found that people just accepted me the way i was. Then i lost 7 stone and became less confident, paranoid and began to have a fear of both zips and buttons! So why did i start the weight loss journey in the first place?
One night my now ex husband and i was in bed, when he turned to me and said 'do you think you should loose weight i fancy a change?' that one sentence changed my life. I never said anything at the time, i was that shocked, i always thought seen as i had always been big that it never really bothered him, i was so upset but i didn't say a word, i went to sleep angry, upset and determined. I was going to loose weight i would show him! And so began my weight loss, from that night, in the middle of January i became obsessed, the very next morning i started my diet. It was a huge turning point for me, i think he thought that i would loose a few pounds and give up, after all i had a reputation for doing that, but i was going to get that weight off. Unfortunately i feel it also became the reason for my divorce. The more weight i lost the more i got noticed by men, and if I'm honest i liked it, I'm not proud and i wasn't unfaithful but i began paying attention to other men, i lapped it up i suppose, my ex however was not impressed. Suddenly i was going out all the time and of course the attention was all flattering now. We had one argument after another, one day i let rip about how much his words had hurt me and stayed with me, he apologised and said he never meant it to come out the way it did. To be honest i don't believe he did mean it maliciously, but the damage had already been done as they say. He wasn't trusting me and i was still angry with him and out to prove something, i just didn't know what yet.
That was the start of the end of our marriage i believe, along with him being made redundant, the pressures of life and me feeling somehow that something was missing. It is also why now i am so paranoid about my weight, i met my current boyfriend slim and i have got larger, he swears that it doesn't bother him but i will always feel the pressure to be what i was when he first met me, a depressive mess but a slim one at that. I am trying so hard to get back my confidence but i feel that now i know what it felt like to be 'normal' to be seen as Julie not fat Julie that i will never feel completely happy in my body ever again. xx

tick tock tick tock

So after my horrendous weight gain Tuesday I am back on it like a ninja, the moment i stood on them scales still haunts my dreams now and I am so gutted that I got so far to only put some back on again, this week I really want the damage to have been undone. I think the last few weeks have been particularly bad because I had nothing to look forward too, everything was falling apart around me and I just thought whats the point. How I regret it now, cause everything can change in a week! Don't get me wrong things have yet again been very tough Ive had moment of despair but then we got some really good news! My marvellous boyfriend had a rebate in his wage slip and you know what that means.....MY 30th BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IS BACK ON!!!!!!!! Can i undo the damage tho so that I don't look like a hippo with make up on in the hot tub? Can I get back on track so I'm not sat on the beach covered up???? The pressure is on! I have to loose every week to reach my self set target , Ive got till July and I still have 2 stone 4lbs to go! Even I am beginning to think that might be a push, well it wasn't until I binged and got drunk on chocolate! The clock is ticking and the clothes need to get looser! The clock is ticking and I need to get my confidence back. The clock is ticking and I need to be happy with myself xxxx

The going gets tough

So last night was weigh day, I knew I had done terrible, I have to hold my hands up and say the diet did not go to plan last week, things got too much and I was shovelling food in my mouth without even tasting it.If I am honest it felt good while i was eating it, even afterwards for a little while the glow of food stayed with me, it sounds stupid but it made me feel normal, i mean isn't that what most people do when they feel down, they comfort eat. However most normal people aren't huge like me, needless to say after some sleep the guilt hit hard, i tried so hard to recover from my binge but I had binged too hard. The result was I put on 4lb! That's bigger than my youngest son was at birth! I feel fatter as well, last night sat there I could've just cried my eyes out, walked out and eat myself to a big enough weight for a gastric band op. Talking too the other women helped tho, with hints and confessions of my own I managed to turn it around, Ive still lost 9lb, i just have to work extra hard now, so some early mornings are the order of the day for me as that's the only time I have to get some exercise in, next week it will be different, it as to be different because i cant keep looking in the mirror and seeing a moon face staring back at me, I cant keep looking in the mirror with disgust and feeling piles of fatty flesh while I'm in the bath. Things are tough at the moment so nows the time i really see if I am stronger than i think xxx