The skeletons under my bed

9/2/12
So here comes another blog when i am going to be mortified that i have shared all this with you, but im sticking by my promise to be honest. Honesty is what is going to change my mindset when it comes to food so bare with me and please don't judge. Yesterday i was looking for a dvd, after searching all the 'obvious' places i decided to move my bed just to check it wasn't under there. So I  moved my bed and was suddenly faced with my eating disorder in a nut shell....under my bed was a box of dairy milk, two picknmix tubs, sweet wrappers, ice cream tubs, cake wrappers and lolly sticks all empty of course, next to this pile of binge was a towel covered in smudged mascara. I can remember the day the towel got under the bed, i was eating a tub of ben and jerrys while crying my eyes out at what i had become, how tough life was at that moment, i would wipe my eyes and shove another mouthful of ice cream in, desperate to heal the pain i was feeling at that time, when i had an unexpected visitor and the towel got shoved under the bed. The shock of seeing the extent of my obsession with food shocked me, i honestly have no idea how much time that took to build up,  but if I'm honest it wasn't a long time. Many people have asked why i am doing this blog, and the mess under my bed is really why i am writing it, cause if it was bags of sick, or full bags of food people would get worried, they would cart me off to a doctors and i would get help, but this is the other eating disorder, this is using food as a weapon, to make yourself feel happy and then get the feelings of guilt and unworth afterwards. So why didn't i just stop buying the food and why hide it? The answer is pure and simple embarrassment. Who wants to admit that food to me is like a razor blade? That i can't live without my drug? But i cant admit it so i would not eat in public but then stuff it into my fat face when i was alone. I am happy to admit that nothing as been hidden under the bed since before Christmas, that's not to say that at times i have been severely tempted to eat like that again, but now i am trying to control myself, i still hate walking into a shop- the temptation is everywhere but now i am trying to re-educate myself. Just because i am a big girl does not mean i cant eat, i have to eat but now i have to eat the good things, the treats should be just that- occasional and within reason. Its a long hard road but seeing those skeletons under my bed as shocked me, so from now on if you come round to visit feel free to look under my bed cause the only thing you will find there now is dust xxxx