angry, mardy and fed up

Im so fed up right now, and very angry with the world. I know im being unreasonable but everything is going wrong yet again and im feeling so down, all i want to do is stuff my face if im honest, loose myself in calories, transfat, carbs, sat fat and just plain fat!!! Last night after a really hard day i sat down to watch tv, i was feeling quite proud that despite having had the day from hell i was sticking to my diet, only to be confronted by a tv show. Not just any tv show, a awful fatist programme entitled ' can fat teens hunt?' . I was so angry! No wonder i feel that i am a second class citizen, no wonder i feel that i have to be 'perfect'. Why cant the programme just be about teens? I mean last time i checked, in fact even when i was a teenager, all teens are lazy, think they know it all and quite frankly would struggle to do a weekly food shop let alone hunt! So why was the need to focus on fat teens? Are they saying that fat teens are the only ones that expect their dinner to placed infront of them? It sums up everything i am feeling right now, why cant i just be a normal person? ok so im packing a lot more than i should be, i probably am unfit but ultimately i am a human being! I have bad days, i have good days and no matter which day im on, my choices should be my choices and I really shouldnt have to explain myself! The media goes on and on about anorexia and eating disorders how about you stop going on about weight and let everyone just be who they want to be!!!! xx

Food Porn

So I have been without the internet recently so sorry i am so behind, but I have almost managed to get through easter, the kids eggs are still everywhere and after family do's etc the weeks have been tough. I have been good tho, I had one little slip but i got straight back on it and have been exercising loads. I decided enough was enough i need to get off my huge bum and do something, so the wii as been used daily for a week now, i fully intend to carry it on as well. Thing is i'm not perfect like I said I had a slip and i should have kept up the exercise from day one but I really want to look good and feel good and get sterilized! The only thing is I cant stop teasing myself! Since having the internet back I have been browsing the internet for food! Sad I know, but I cant buy cause I have no money so Im purely looking. Its like porn for dieters, there are sites with mouth watering fudge, chocolate boxes and of course it would be rude not to go on the thorntons website to see all the reduced easter eggs! I spend my days avoiding shops that will tip me over the edge, and yet i spend my evenings drooling over peanut butter fudge! Why do i do it? Its torture but in a weird way its also about facing my demons, its about looking but not touching, its about having two internet windows open, one selling chocolate, the other selling shoes and deciding which on would make my arse look smaller! xx

Easter Torture!

Happy Easter everyone! So how am I doing? The self confessed chocoholic! Well I'm pleased to report that so far I have been very good, that's not to say I haven't found it hard. Yesterday was particularly tough, we have family down from various locations and its busy seeing them all and socialising, but I have not once fell off the wagon, I even volunteered to be designated driver so that I have a good excuse not to drink. Today is obviously Easter Sunday, and I'm very nervous if I'm honest there is going to be chocolate everywhere i turn. I cannot promise right now that I am going to be good but that is my aim, I went shopping earlier in the week and stocked up on fish and sugar free jellies and even though I do have a Easter egg (a double decker one!) I don't intend to eat it, when i next get weighed I will then treat myself to a little bit of egg and that is the way it will be eaten over the next few weeks. I tell you now that will be the longest a Easter egg as ever lasted in my life! I remember one Easter when i was little, I cant have been more than 8 and I had been sent to bed for being naughty (nothing changes hey!) What my mother failed to remember was my Easter eggs were in my bedroom! Needless to say I wasn't too bothered about being sent to bed! I seem to remember a 'My little pony' egg with a mug being very enjoyable! So wish me luck guys I'm going to need it! xx