Ive turned my boyfriend into a secret eater!

Ok so i myself am talking about how obsessive i have become and now i appear to be getting worse! Im obviously not improving cause i caught my boyfriend eating! That's right CAUGHT, he was hiding away in the kitchen trying to sneakily eat so i wouldn't notice! Now my boyfriend is perfect in my eyes, i have never put him on a diet and i have never said anything about what he eats, so why the secret eating????? He feels he cant eat food in front of me especially if it is 'forbidden' food. I mean jesus i'm not that bad am i? What does he think i will do? Rugby tackle him to the floor and steal it off him? Lick it off his lips as i am so possessed by the sight of chocolate? Or scold him for eating non diet food? Of course not, for a start i can be scary when i am detoxing from all those oh so terrible, full of fat, sugary but oh so gorgeous treats but i have never stopped anyone else from eating. In fact i have to buy it! Bless him he said he just wanted to support me,and hes been so good but i dont need him to stop him being himself, i just need him to respect my diet and take his hands OFF MY SUGAR FREE JELLY!

The secret behind my weight

OK so i said one day i would feel ready to share the full story of why i am so obsessed with loosing weight, binging and feel that i have developed an eating disorder. Today i feel ready to share the whole story. As i have said before i was always big from a little girl and although at times it bothered me, i kind of got used to being big, no one expected me any other way and i generally found that people just accepted me the way i was. Then i lost 7 stone and became less confident, paranoid and began to have a fear of both zips and buttons! So why did i start the weight loss journey in the first place?
One night my now ex husband and i was in bed, when he turned to me and said 'do you think you should loose weight i fancy a change?' that one sentence changed my life. I never said anything at the time, i was that shocked, i always thought seen as i had always been big that it never really bothered him, i was so upset but i didn't say a word, i went to sleep angry, upset and determined. I was going to loose weight i would show him! And so began my weight loss, from that night, in the middle of January i became obsessed, the very next morning i started my diet. It was a huge turning point for me, i think he thought that i would loose a few pounds and give up, after all i had a reputation for doing that, but i was going to get that weight off. Unfortunately i feel it also became the reason for my divorce. The more weight i lost the more i got noticed by men, and if I'm honest i liked it, I'm not proud and i wasn't unfaithful but i began paying attention to other men, i lapped it up i suppose, my ex however was not impressed. Suddenly i was going out all the time and of course the attention was all flattering now. We had one argument after another, one day i let rip about how much his words had hurt me and stayed with me, he apologised and said he never meant it to come out the way it did. To be honest i don't believe he did mean it maliciously, but the damage had already been done as they say. He wasn't trusting me and i was still angry with him and out to prove something, i just didn't know what yet.
That was the start of the end of our marriage i believe, along with him being made redundant, the pressures of life and me feeling somehow that something was missing. It is also why now i am so paranoid about my weight, i met my current boyfriend slim and i have got larger, he swears that it doesn't bother him but i will always feel the pressure to be what i was when he first met me, a depressive mess but a slim one at that. I am trying so hard to get back my confidence but i feel that now i know what it felt like to be 'normal' to be seen as Julie not fat Julie that i will never feel completely happy in my body ever again. xx

tick tock tick tock

So after my horrendous weight gain Tuesday I am back on it like a ninja, the moment i stood on them scales still haunts my dreams now and I am so gutted that I got so far to only put some back on again, this week I really want the damage to have been undone. I think the last few weeks have been particularly bad because I had nothing to look forward too, everything was falling apart around me and I just thought whats the point. How I regret it now, cause everything can change in a week! Don't get me wrong things have yet again been very tough Ive had moment of despair but then we got some really good news! My marvellous boyfriend had a rebate in his wage slip and you know what that means.....MY 30th BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IS BACK ON!!!!!!!! Can i undo the damage tho so that I don't look like a hippo with make up on in the hot tub? Can I get back on track so I'm not sat on the beach covered up???? The pressure is on! I have to loose every week to reach my self set target , Ive got till July and I still have 2 stone 4lbs to go! Even I am beginning to think that might be a push, well it wasn't until I binged and got drunk on chocolate! The clock is ticking and the clothes need to get looser! The clock is ticking and I need to get my confidence back. The clock is ticking and I need to be happy with myself xxxx

The going gets tough

So last night was weigh day, I knew I had done terrible, I have to hold my hands up and say the diet did not go to plan last week, things got too much and I was shovelling food in my mouth without even tasting it.If I am honest it felt good while i was eating it, even afterwards for a little while the glow of food stayed with me, it sounds stupid but it made me feel normal, i mean isn't that what most people do when they feel down, they comfort eat. However most normal people aren't huge like me, needless to say after some sleep the guilt hit hard, i tried so hard to recover from my binge but I had binged too hard. The result was I put on 4lb! That's bigger than my youngest son was at birth! I feel fatter as well, last night sat there I could've just cried my eyes out, walked out and eat myself to a big enough weight for a gastric band op. Talking too the other women helped tho, with hints and confessions of my own I managed to turn it around, Ive still lost 9lb, i just have to work extra hard now, so some early mornings are the order of the day for me as that's the only time I have to get some exercise in, next week it will be different, it as to be different because i cant keep looking in the mirror and seeing a moon face staring back at me, I cant keep looking in the mirror with disgust and feeling piles of fatty flesh while I'm in the bath. Things are tough at the moment so nows the time i really see if I am stronger than i think xxx

im ready to give up

I know its been a while since i wrote my blog, but there is a reason for this. I am really struggling, go back to last week and i was so determined, so ready to face this, so happy with the direction i was heading. fast forward to this week and I'm a mess. I was really ill last week and i was certain i had got my stone, now i feel i may have put on. Last night i had a pizza and 2 glasses of wine. I am so disappointed in myself. After i finally recovered from my illness i felt so very down, everything was getting on top of me and I felt sore and bloated. No excuse i know but i am a depressive and I rely on my mood if that makes sense to get me through the days. Not getting my divorce as hit me hard and I have decided that tomorrow I am finally going to say why the divorce means so much to me. It is a very personal blog but i need you all to understand why i have fell apart so hard. This morning I feel down, how can i get so close and then risk it all? How can i recover now? I'm upset and ashamed to go on Tuesday and I am contemplating giving up for good. I am a greedy cow and I use food, I really needed something to feel better about myself and it worked for the first Friday in weeks I actually felt that i was celebrating getting through a week. I felt that i could relax and let myself have a laugh, this morning I am paying the price. Please help me I need some sort of detox anything to get me to Tuesday, if I fail now I will have let everyone down. xxx

trousers-1 me-1

12/2/12
Good morning! I'm a little happy for a Monday! I know I'm a psycho but I'm sure many of you will remember a blog from the beginning of January when i tried to put my work trousers on after Christmas and my belly burst through the zip breaking it. I was so upset as i went yet another size up. Well i kept the trousers and i fixed the zip, they sat on the side of my dressing table, staring at me, making me feel a mixture of disgust and determination. Today i got them back on!!!!! They are not particularly tight either, that ain't to say they are baggy but they are on and not in any danger of breaking, or if they do it will because of my dodgy fixing skills! I feel so happy, to get them trousers on is a big deal to me, they are still a few sizes bigger than i would like, but for once i am going back down the sizes not up them! So we are equal the trousers and i, they broke on me and made me realise what a fat hefalump i am, and now i am wearing them again. However I'm still not happy, cause i wanted to uneven the score, i want to get rid of them trousers because they are too big, for too long they have taunted me and now Ive had enough, so little goals is the way to go and here's mine. I want to get my 1 stone award and I'm hoping it will be this week, then i want my 1 and a half stone, then comes the next size down work trousers, 2 stone and wearing a proper pair of jeans- i have them upstairs ready and waiting, by real jeans i mean ones with zips and buttons not elasticated waists. These are my goals for now. I never ever want to have to write another blog where clothes have broke on me, i want to just get slimmer and more confident again, i want to wear my red high heels and scream look at me! xxxx

The skeletons under my bed

9/2/12
So here comes another blog when i am going to be mortified that i have shared all this with you, but im sticking by my promise to be honest. Honesty is what is going to change my mindset when it comes to food so bare with me and please don't judge. Yesterday i was looking for a dvd, after searching all the 'obvious' places i decided to move my bed just to check it wasn't under there. So I  moved my bed and was suddenly faced with my eating disorder in a nut shell....under my bed was a box of dairy milk, two picknmix tubs, sweet wrappers, ice cream tubs, cake wrappers and lolly sticks all empty of course, next to this pile of binge was a towel covered in smudged mascara. I can remember the day the towel got under the bed, i was eating a tub of ben and jerrys while crying my eyes out at what i had become, how tough life was at that moment, i would wipe my eyes and shove another mouthful of ice cream in, desperate to heal the pain i was feeling at that time, when i had an unexpected visitor and the towel got shoved under the bed. The shock of seeing the extent of my obsession with food shocked me, i honestly have no idea how much time that took to build up,  but if I'm honest it wasn't a long time. Many people have asked why i am doing this blog, and the mess under my bed is really why i am writing it, cause if it was bags of sick, or full bags of food people would get worried, they would cart me off to a doctors and i would get help, but this is the other eating disorder, this is using food as a weapon, to make yourself feel happy and then get the feelings of guilt and unworth afterwards. So why didn't i just stop buying the food and why hide it? The answer is pure and simple embarrassment. Who wants to admit that food to me is like a razor blade? That i can't live without my drug? But i cant admit it so i would not eat in public but then stuff it into my fat face when i was alone. I am happy to admit that nothing as been hidden under the bed since before Christmas, that's not to say that at times i have been severely tempted to eat like that again, but now i am trying to control myself, i still hate walking into a shop- the temptation is everywhere but now i am trying to re-educate myself. Just because i am a big girl does not mean i cant eat, i have to eat but now i have to eat the good things, the treats should be just that- occasional and within reason. Its a long hard road but seeing those skeletons under my bed as shocked me, so from now on if you come round to visit feel free to look under my bed cause the only thing you will find there now is dust xxxx

Who needs birthday cake?

7/3/12
Well i can completely over the moon! Last night i lost 6lb which so made everything i missed out on last week food wise so so worth it. I never expected 6lb it was behind my wildest dreams and i felt so good and so empowered that i am not succumbed like i normally would have done in a party situation. This week i can going to work extra hard yet again because i so want to loose more, if i can loose at least 1lb next week i get my stone award and i cannot describe how that makes me feel, i think only people that have ever had a weight problem can understand the hard work, determination and pride you get when that first stone comes off, its almost like a sign that you are honestly on your way to the person you want to be. At this moment it feels so achievable and i know i am still going to have hard weeks and things still aren't rosy in every part of my life but hey lets be honest i weigh 13 pound less than i did 3 weeks ago and it feels great. That two average size babies! It also means i am getting closer to getting the go ahead to be sterilized i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me to loose weight, its more than wanting to look sexy, its even more than wanting to be healthier its about being someone people dont judge, a mum that looks good for her kids, its about not getting upset every time i put an outfit on cause i look like a mountain wrapped in a tent., its about finally feeling im worth something. And if i could bottle that feeling i would be a millionaire xxxx

I deverse a weightloss this week!

Well if i do say so myself i have been so good all week that i will promptly burst into tears if i don't lose weight Tuesday night, i have been very very good and not only that but i have avoided 3 birthday cakes, i made all the food for Sam's party and didn't have any of it, in fact there is still some cake left on the side and i am not having any. I have lived like a saint all week. I have been down  but I'm hoping that i am now on the up, i am so focused on loosing my weight my now, it as become even more important to me as i cannot get sterilised until my bmi drops to 35. That is not to say that i haven't found it hard this week, i am a over eater, i am greedy and to be honest if a slug was covered in chocolate i would probably suck the chocolate off! But i made my own turkey burgers from scratch and i didn't put them in a batch, instead i had a lettuce leaf either side, hows that for dedication??? Can you even begin to understand how hard it was for me to stand by a buffet filled with cakes, doughnuts, muffins, cheese straws, sausage rolls and biscuits to keep my fat fingers away? Seriously if it wasn't for the fact that my chins wobbling every time i drooled i may have just pinched a little, but i figure i seriously need to change my way of thinking, if i can loose 3 stone by the time i reach 30 how great will i feel? and surely i will deserve a birthday cake of my own by then? As a one off mind before i get straight back on it.So please if there is anyone up there after the past month of hell you have made me endure at least make my abstinence from all my favourite foods this week have been worth it! Anything less than 2 pounds will be met by a stomping, fat jiggling, bingo wing flapping paddy xxxx

send willpower my way!

3/2/12
Firstly apologies that so many days have passed without a blog, my baby boy as been poorly most of the week and i have had very little sleep, on the times i was awake i was cleaning up sick and dealing with a broken washing machine. Anyway im glad to report that the diet is going really well this week, i have been very good despite being my time of the month so im hopeful that tuesday will be a loss, a loss i so despertly want! But i need you all to send me some willpower cause tomorrow is my baby boys birthday! Sam will be 5 and hes having a party, now im confident i will not pick at the buffet food but what worries me is avoiding his birthday cake! I am a big cake monster and i know its going to kill me not to have any but really do i want to spoil my dream of being thin, of being accepted and being able to wear my red heels with pride over a piece of cake? I know i dont really need any and i know that there will be other birthday cakes but being the greedy over eater that i am it is going to be hard to resist. So i need some willpower sending my way cause while my whole world is falling apart around me at the moment the one thing i can control is my weight and i will not be one of those women that are stuck in their beds unable to have a life xxx