angry, mardy and fed up

Im so fed up right now, and very angry with the world. I know im being unreasonable but everything is going wrong yet again and im feeling so down, all i want to do is stuff my face if im honest, loose myself in calories, transfat, carbs, sat fat and just plain fat!!! Last night after a really hard day i sat down to watch tv, i was feeling quite proud that despite having had the day from hell i was sticking to my diet, only to be confronted by a tv show. Not just any tv show, a awful fatist programme entitled ' can fat teens hunt?' . I was so angry! No wonder i feel that i am a second class citizen, no wonder i feel that i have to be 'perfect'. Why cant the programme just be about teens? I mean last time i checked, in fact even when i was a teenager, all teens are lazy, think they know it all and quite frankly would struggle to do a weekly food shop let alone hunt! So why was the need to focus on fat teens? Are they saying that fat teens are the only ones that expect their dinner to placed infront of them? It sums up everything i am feeling right now, why cant i just be a normal person? ok so im packing a lot more than i should be, i probably am unfit but ultimately i am a human being! I have bad days, i have good days and no matter which day im on, my choices should be my choices and I really shouldnt have to explain myself! The media goes on and on about anorexia and eating disorders how about you stop going on about weight and let everyone just be who they want to be!!!! xx

Food Porn

So I have been without the internet recently so sorry i am so behind, but I have almost managed to get through easter, the kids eggs are still everywhere and after family do's etc the weeks have been tough. I have been good tho, I had one little slip but i got straight back on it and have been exercising loads. I decided enough was enough i need to get off my huge bum and do something, so the wii as been used daily for a week now, i fully intend to carry it on as well. Thing is i'm not perfect like I said I had a slip and i should have kept up the exercise from day one but I really want to look good and feel good and get sterilized! The only thing is I cant stop teasing myself! Since having the internet back I have been browsing the internet for food! Sad I know, but I cant buy cause I have no money so Im purely looking. Its like porn for dieters, there are sites with mouth watering fudge, chocolate boxes and of course it would be rude not to go on the thorntons website to see all the reduced easter eggs! I spend my days avoiding shops that will tip me over the edge, and yet i spend my evenings drooling over peanut butter fudge! Why do i do it? Its torture but in a weird way its also about facing my demons, its about looking but not touching, its about having two internet windows open, one selling chocolate, the other selling shoes and deciding which on would make my arse look smaller! xx

Easter Torture!

Happy Easter everyone! So how am I doing? The self confessed chocoholic! Well I'm pleased to report that so far I have been very good, that's not to say I haven't found it hard. Yesterday was particularly tough, we have family down from various locations and its busy seeing them all and socialising, but I have not once fell off the wagon, I even volunteered to be designated driver so that I have a good excuse not to drink. Today is obviously Easter Sunday, and I'm very nervous if I'm honest there is going to be chocolate everywhere i turn. I cannot promise right now that I am going to be good but that is my aim, I went shopping earlier in the week and stocked up on fish and sugar free jellies and even though I do have a Easter egg (a double decker one!) I don't intend to eat it, when i next get weighed I will then treat myself to a little bit of egg and that is the way it will be eaten over the next few weeks. I tell you now that will be the longest a Easter egg as ever lasted in my life! I remember one Easter when i was little, I cant have been more than 8 and I had been sent to bed for being naughty (nothing changes hey!) What my mother failed to remember was my Easter eggs were in my bedroom! Needless to say I wasn't too bothered about being sent to bed! I seem to remember a 'My little pony' egg with a mug being very enjoyable! So wish me luck guys I'm going to need it! xx

Ive turned my boyfriend into a secret eater!

Ok so i myself am talking about how obsessive i have become and now i appear to be getting worse! Im obviously not improving cause i caught my boyfriend eating! That's right CAUGHT, he was hiding away in the kitchen trying to sneakily eat so i wouldn't notice! Now my boyfriend is perfect in my eyes, i have never put him on a diet and i have never said anything about what he eats, so why the secret eating????? He feels he cant eat food in front of me especially if it is 'forbidden' food. I mean jesus i'm not that bad am i? What does he think i will do? Rugby tackle him to the floor and steal it off him? Lick it off his lips as i am so possessed by the sight of chocolate? Or scold him for eating non diet food? Of course not, for a start i can be scary when i am detoxing from all those oh so terrible, full of fat, sugary but oh so gorgeous treats but i have never stopped anyone else from eating. In fact i have to buy it! Bless him he said he just wanted to support me,and hes been so good but i dont need him to stop him being himself, i just need him to respect my diet and take his hands OFF MY SUGAR FREE JELLY!

The secret behind my weight

OK so i said one day i would feel ready to share the full story of why i am so obsessed with loosing weight, binging and feel that i have developed an eating disorder. Today i feel ready to share the whole story. As i have said before i was always big from a little girl and although at times it bothered me, i kind of got used to being big, no one expected me any other way and i generally found that people just accepted me the way i was. Then i lost 7 stone and became less confident, paranoid and began to have a fear of both zips and buttons! So why did i start the weight loss journey in the first place?
One night my now ex husband and i was in bed, when he turned to me and said 'do you think you should loose weight i fancy a change?' that one sentence changed my life. I never said anything at the time, i was that shocked, i always thought seen as i had always been big that it never really bothered him, i was so upset but i didn't say a word, i went to sleep angry, upset and determined. I was going to loose weight i would show him! And so began my weight loss, from that night, in the middle of January i became obsessed, the very next morning i started my diet. It was a huge turning point for me, i think he thought that i would loose a few pounds and give up, after all i had a reputation for doing that, but i was going to get that weight off. Unfortunately i feel it also became the reason for my divorce. The more weight i lost the more i got noticed by men, and if I'm honest i liked it, I'm not proud and i wasn't unfaithful but i began paying attention to other men, i lapped it up i suppose, my ex however was not impressed. Suddenly i was going out all the time and of course the attention was all flattering now. We had one argument after another, one day i let rip about how much his words had hurt me and stayed with me, he apologised and said he never meant it to come out the way it did. To be honest i don't believe he did mean it maliciously, but the damage had already been done as they say. He wasn't trusting me and i was still angry with him and out to prove something, i just didn't know what yet.
That was the start of the end of our marriage i believe, along with him being made redundant, the pressures of life and me feeling somehow that something was missing. It is also why now i am so paranoid about my weight, i met my current boyfriend slim and i have got larger, he swears that it doesn't bother him but i will always feel the pressure to be what i was when he first met me, a depressive mess but a slim one at that. I am trying so hard to get back my confidence but i feel that now i know what it felt like to be 'normal' to be seen as Julie not fat Julie that i will never feel completely happy in my body ever again. xx

tick tock tick tock

So after my horrendous weight gain Tuesday I am back on it like a ninja, the moment i stood on them scales still haunts my dreams now and I am so gutted that I got so far to only put some back on again, this week I really want the damage to have been undone. I think the last few weeks have been particularly bad because I had nothing to look forward too, everything was falling apart around me and I just thought whats the point. How I regret it now, cause everything can change in a week! Don't get me wrong things have yet again been very tough Ive had moment of despair but then we got some really good news! My marvellous boyfriend had a rebate in his wage slip and you know what that means.....MY 30th BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IS BACK ON!!!!!!!! Can i undo the damage tho so that I don't look like a hippo with make up on in the hot tub? Can I get back on track so I'm not sat on the beach covered up???? The pressure is on! I have to loose every week to reach my self set target , Ive got till July and I still have 2 stone 4lbs to go! Even I am beginning to think that might be a push, well it wasn't until I binged and got drunk on chocolate! The clock is ticking and the clothes need to get looser! The clock is ticking and I need to get my confidence back. The clock is ticking and I need to be happy with myself xxxx

The going gets tough

So last night was weigh day, I knew I had done terrible, I have to hold my hands up and say the diet did not go to plan last week, things got too much and I was shovelling food in my mouth without even tasting it.If I am honest it felt good while i was eating it, even afterwards for a little while the glow of food stayed with me, it sounds stupid but it made me feel normal, i mean isn't that what most people do when they feel down, they comfort eat. However most normal people aren't huge like me, needless to say after some sleep the guilt hit hard, i tried so hard to recover from my binge but I had binged too hard. The result was I put on 4lb! That's bigger than my youngest son was at birth! I feel fatter as well, last night sat there I could've just cried my eyes out, walked out and eat myself to a big enough weight for a gastric band op. Talking too the other women helped tho, with hints and confessions of my own I managed to turn it around, Ive still lost 9lb, i just have to work extra hard now, so some early mornings are the order of the day for me as that's the only time I have to get some exercise in, next week it will be different, it as to be different because i cant keep looking in the mirror and seeing a moon face staring back at me, I cant keep looking in the mirror with disgust and feeling piles of fatty flesh while I'm in the bath. Things are tough at the moment so nows the time i really see if I am stronger than i think xxx

im ready to give up

I know its been a while since i wrote my blog, but there is a reason for this. I am really struggling, go back to last week and i was so determined, so ready to face this, so happy with the direction i was heading. fast forward to this week and I'm a mess. I was really ill last week and i was certain i had got my stone, now i feel i may have put on. Last night i had a pizza and 2 glasses of wine. I am so disappointed in myself. After i finally recovered from my illness i felt so very down, everything was getting on top of me and I felt sore and bloated. No excuse i know but i am a depressive and I rely on my mood if that makes sense to get me through the days. Not getting my divorce as hit me hard and I have decided that tomorrow I am finally going to say why the divorce means so much to me. It is a very personal blog but i need you all to understand why i have fell apart so hard. This morning I feel down, how can i get so close and then risk it all? How can i recover now? I'm upset and ashamed to go on Tuesday and I am contemplating giving up for good. I am a greedy cow and I use food, I really needed something to feel better about myself and it worked for the first Friday in weeks I actually felt that i was celebrating getting through a week. I felt that i could relax and let myself have a laugh, this morning I am paying the price. Please help me I need some sort of detox anything to get me to Tuesday, if I fail now I will have let everyone down. xxx

trousers-1 me-1

12/2/12
Good morning! I'm a little happy for a Monday! I know I'm a psycho but I'm sure many of you will remember a blog from the beginning of January when i tried to put my work trousers on after Christmas and my belly burst through the zip breaking it. I was so upset as i went yet another size up. Well i kept the trousers and i fixed the zip, they sat on the side of my dressing table, staring at me, making me feel a mixture of disgust and determination. Today i got them back on!!!!! They are not particularly tight either, that ain't to say they are baggy but they are on and not in any danger of breaking, or if they do it will because of my dodgy fixing skills! I feel so happy, to get them trousers on is a big deal to me, they are still a few sizes bigger than i would like, but for once i am going back down the sizes not up them! So we are equal the trousers and i, they broke on me and made me realise what a fat hefalump i am, and now i am wearing them again. However I'm still not happy, cause i wanted to uneven the score, i want to get rid of them trousers because they are too big, for too long they have taunted me and now Ive had enough, so little goals is the way to go and here's mine. I want to get my 1 stone award and I'm hoping it will be this week, then i want my 1 and a half stone, then comes the next size down work trousers, 2 stone and wearing a proper pair of jeans- i have them upstairs ready and waiting, by real jeans i mean ones with zips and buttons not elasticated waists. These are my goals for now. I never ever want to have to write another blog where clothes have broke on me, i want to just get slimmer and more confident again, i want to wear my red high heels and scream look at me! xxxx

The skeletons under my bed

9/2/12
So here comes another blog when i am going to be mortified that i have shared all this with you, but im sticking by my promise to be honest. Honesty is what is going to change my mindset when it comes to food so bare with me and please don't judge. Yesterday i was looking for a dvd, after searching all the 'obvious' places i decided to move my bed just to check it wasn't under there. So I  moved my bed and was suddenly faced with my eating disorder in a nut shell....under my bed was a box of dairy milk, two picknmix tubs, sweet wrappers, ice cream tubs, cake wrappers and lolly sticks all empty of course, next to this pile of binge was a towel covered in smudged mascara. I can remember the day the towel got under the bed, i was eating a tub of ben and jerrys while crying my eyes out at what i had become, how tough life was at that moment, i would wipe my eyes and shove another mouthful of ice cream in, desperate to heal the pain i was feeling at that time, when i had an unexpected visitor and the towel got shoved under the bed. The shock of seeing the extent of my obsession with food shocked me, i honestly have no idea how much time that took to build up,  but if I'm honest it wasn't a long time. Many people have asked why i am doing this blog, and the mess under my bed is really why i am writing it, cause if it was bags of sick, or full bags of food people would get worried, they would cart me off to a doctors and i would get help, but this is the other eating disorder, this is using food as a weapon, to make yourself feel happy and then get the feelings of guilt and unworth afterwards. So why didn't i just stop buying the food and why hide it? The answer is pure and simple embarrassment. Who wants to admit that food to me is like a razor blade? That i can't live without my drug? But i cant admit it so i would not eat in public but then stuff it into my fat face when i was alone. I am happy to admit that nothing as been hidden under the bed since before Christmas, that's not to say that at times i have been severely tempted to eat like that again, but now i am trying to control myself, i still hate walking into a shop- the temptation is everywhere but now i am trying to re-educate myself. Just because i am a big girl does not mean i cant eat, i have to eat but now i have to eat the good things, the treats should be just that- occasional and within reason. Its a long hard road but seeing those skeletons under my bed as shocked me, so from now on if you come round to visit feel free to look under my bed cause the only thing you will find there now is dust xxxx

Who needs birthday cake?

7/3/12
Well i can completely over the moon! Last night i lost 6lb which so made everything i missed out on last week food wise so so worth it. I never expected 6lb it was behind my wildest dreams and i felt so good and so empowered that i am not succumbed like i normally would have done in a party situation. This week i can going to work extra hard yet again because i so want to loose more, if i can loose at least 1lb next week i get my stone award and i cannot describe how that makes me feel, i think only people that have ever had a weight problem can understand the hard work, determination and pride you get when that first stone comes off, its almost like a sign that you are honestly on your way to the person you want to be. At this moment it feels so achievable and i know i am still going to have hard weeks and things still aren't rosy in every part of my life but hey lets be honest i weigh 13 pound less than i did 3 weeks ago and it feels great. That two average size babies! It also means i am getting closer to getting the go ahead to be sterilized i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me to loose weight, its more than wanting to look sexy, its even more than wanting to be healthier its about being someone people dont judge, a mum that looks good for her kids, its about not getting upset every time i put an outfit on cause i look like a mountain wrapped in a tent., its about finally feeling im worth something. And if i could bottle that feeling i would be a millionaire xxxx

I deverse a weightloss this week!

Well if i do say so myself i have been so good all week that i will promptly burst into tears if i don't lose weight Tuesday night, i have been very very good and not only that but i have avoided 3 birthday cakes, i made all the food for Sam's party and didn't have any of it, in fact there is still some cake left on the side and i am not having any. I have lived like a saint all week. I have been down  but I'm hoping that i am now on the up, i am so focused on loosing my weight my now, it as become even more important to me as i cannot get sterilised until my bmi drops to 35. That is not to say that i haven't found it hard this week, i am a over eater, i am greedy and to be honest if a slug was covered in chocolate i would probably suck the chocolate off! But i made my own turkey burgers from scratch and i didn't put them in a batch, instead i had a lettuce leaf either side, hows that for dedication??? Can you even begin to understand how hard it was for me to stand by a buffet filled with cakes, doughnuts, muffins, cheese straws, sausage rolls and biscuits to keep my fat fingers away? Seriously if it wasn't for the fact that my chins wobbling every time i drooled i may have just pinched a little, but i figure i seriously need to change my way of thinking, if i can loose 3 stone by the time i reach 30 how great will i feel? and surely i will deserve a birthday cake of my own by then? As a one off mind before i get straight back on it.So please if there is anyone up there after the past month of hell you have made me endure at least make my abstinence from all my favourite foods this week have been worth it! Anything less than 2 pounds will be met by a stomping, fat jiggling, bingo wing flapping paddy xxxx

send willpower my way!

3/2/12
Firstly apologies that so many days have passed without a blog, my baby boy as been poorly most of the week and i have had very little sleep, on the times i was awake i was cleaning up sick and dealing with a broken washing machine. Anyway im glad to report that the diet is going really well this week, i have been very good despite being my time of the month so im hopeful that tuesday will be a loss, a loss i so despertly want! But i need you all to send me some willpower cause tomorrow is my baby boys birthday! Sam will be 5 and hes having a party, now im confident i will not pick at the buffet food but what worries me is avoiding his birthday cake! I am a big cake monster and i know its going to kill me not to have any but really do i want to spoil my dream of being thin, of being accepted and being able to wear my red heels with pride over a piece of cake? I know i dont really need any and i know that there will be other birthday cakes but being the greedy over eater that i am it is going to be hard to resist. So i need some willpower sending my way cause while my whole world is falling apart around me at the moment the one thing i can control is my weight and i will not be one of those women that are stuck in their beds unable to have a life xxx

some luck please

29/2/12
So last night was weigh day after a terrible week and me having come on a week early i was relieved to have just stayed the same, of course i was a little gutted too its only my second week after all but i am determined to have a good week this time. Thing is someone up there obviously as it in for me, knowing that i am an emotional eater the stress im under at the moment seems destined to have me running to chocolate, im trying my hardest to stay away after all look where chocolate got me last time, a big huge mess that hates the way i look in everything i wear. To be able to wear a pair of jeans that arent elasticated, to be confident enough to wear my red high heels again and not be ashamed of who i am would be lovely. But then i suppose so would winning the lottery, a good nights sleep and a cleaner. Last night i had no sleep, sam is poorly i know it isnt his fault, but ive just had to pay to get a car fixed, his birthday is sunday and i cant really afford to miss another day off work. Still when i signed up to have children i swore i would put them first, so today i am missing out on a days wages cause my baby needs me. However this week i have also realised i am quite a selfish person, i never thought i was before, but that was before my sexy weekend for my birthday came under threat, the funds just aint there and unless i get a miracle soon it will have to be cancelled. Im so upset about it, ive never had a holiday on my own and i was so looking forward to it, it was supposed to be my goal, my aim my one treat and i am seriously worried it just isnt going to happen. Then just to get my depressive self in an even more mess, the doctors have insisted i drop my antidepressants and the court have refused my divorce petition for the 3rd time. Is it too much to just want to be divorced? I want to be miss shore again not legally and married woman, of course money always comes into it and if i had the money to pay for it i could be divorced quick time, but no like everyone else in this country i am struggling on the edge just to keep me house. Sorry for a depressive post  but i have to get this out, cry all my tears and focus on the one thing i can do right now and thats lose some of this extra baggage i am carrying around xxx

These things are sent to try us :(

27/2/12
Ok now i am certain that i will have put on weight tuesday, it will be a miracle if i loose, cause things have gone terribly wrong. First of all i have come on, great nice and early and so so unwanted, then yesterday was the most stressful day of year so far. I had a busy day as usual what with having 3 kids and 2 stepchild over for the day it was always going to be busy. So Sam had a party 1-3, george had to go to his friends 2-6 and my stepchildren needed to be back at their mums over coventry at 6pm. So i took Sam to the party and left him there to get back and ferry george around, just as i was coming down the bypass my brakes went. I was scared and pissed off as i very carefully got my car back home, only to find that the brake pipe had wore away, so i no longer have a car. As if that wasnt bad enough, sam was stuck at the wacky and we had the stepkids to get back home. I completely fell apart, sobbing through the afternoon, things are really tough at the minute as it is, i cant afford to get the car fixed and im supposed to be at the doctors this afternoon. Thing is with me, i put on weight when i stress, its almost like my body just to get that one last kick while im down makes me hold on to every fat module i own when im stressing. I think i was the only bride in the world that put on weight before her wedding.Ive woke up this morning feeling like crap, tried worn out bloated and with red eyes, when am i going to get a break? I could just curl up in ball and hide from the world right now, so tomorrows weigh day will probably be a wash out, thats if i get there at all xxx

dieting on a saturday night

26/2/12
Got to say that last night was one of the worse Saturday nights i have had in a long time, Ive had a tough week, I'm due on and i didn't have any kids what i wanted was to have a few bottles of wkd, some sweets and a film, what i had instead was a tub of sugar free jelly, a bottle of water and a early night. For the first time last night since Christmas i really fancied a drink, i was all over the place and a little upset cause my bf  found out my weight. I know sounds stupid doesn't it, this is the man who practically knows everything about me, hes seen the labels in my clothes, Jesus Ive sat on him enough times for him to have a far idea of what a hippo i am, but one thing is sacred to me, and that is what i actually weigh. Until last night only myself and the consultant at my slimming club knew my weight, now my bf does. What do i think it will change? I don't know, but i am really upset about it, feeling down and of course embarrassed, being the kind of gal i am i always thought i could make myself look nice no matter what i weigh, but now i feel like he is just going to see these numbers every time he looks at me. To me weight is a very personal thing, (says the girl whose telling the world what a fatty i am) but those numbers represent so much to me, i feel stripped bear and now under so much more pressure to get the weight off. Add to the fact that i accidentally cheated in the week and i am feeling pretty low, how can i fail this early on? When is someone going to make it ok to be large and loved? xxx

help ive accidentally cheated :(

23/2/12
OK i am mightily p***ed off! after my successful week last week i was determined to carry on the good work, unfortunately my enthusiasm didn't take into account the fact that i am dumbass. Trying to be really good i decided this week i am going to drink lots of water, so because i am not that fond of water i bought some flavoured water. All great and it was going down a treat, then i ran out.....So i went to asda and got some more 1500ml later i just happened to read the label, that's when i saw that per 100ml there is 5g of carbs! Disaster how can one brand of water be so different nutritionally wise? Or am i just majorly thick? That means i have consumed units without even realising it, i am so annoyed with myself all that hard work and i am worried that i am going to ruin next weeks results when i desperatly want 2lb off, so i have a plan....From tomorrow till i get weighed on tuesday evening i am going to have no units at all! Its the only way i can think to get this mistake undone. So gutted! Please dont tell me ive ruined it all! :( xxx

feeling good!

22/2/12
So yesterday was my weigh day after the first week on my new diet, i was so nervous i went between thinking i had'nt lost to thinking i may have put on on! I have done so much cooking, used new vegetables and ate more than i ever could when i was calorie counting so to say i was scared was an understatement. So imagine my complete shock and joy when i lost 7lb! half a stone i could'nt believe it and i could'nt stop smiling, things like this dont happen to fatties like me. It was just the boost i needed and i've woke up this morning excited to be carrying on with the diet. Being a seasoned dieter i am aware of a few facts tho, 1) i will have to watch my weight for the rest of my life, 2) I wont lose that much next week and 3) its still going to take willpower. But i am so excited to have such a boost and such a good start, if i can loose 2lb a week from now on then i will reach my self set target of 3 stone by July. I'm 30 in July and that 3 stone off would be that i would be overweight not obese at the age of 30, and that is what i want. I have never felt so inspired in all my life. For now tho i have some little targets that i can achieve more quickly than my birthday to keep me going, the first is revenge on the work trousers mentioned in earlier posts, as you will remember they burst open on me just after christmas forcing me to get a bigger size. These have now been fixed and i am determined to wear them again, so when i get into them again that will be another goal reached. The second is to wear jeans again, i mean proper jeans not the elasticated fat jeans im wearing at the moment. You know what tho for the first time in about a year i feel that i will be able to do this xxx

a new week, a better week?

20/2/12
So today its monday, normally like the rest of the human race i gate mondays, today i am glad its monday. Cause boy i have had the weekend from hell, as you have probably guessed Sam as been a nightmare again, ive had shoes thrown at me, been punched, contents of my house thrown around and a 4 year old with a willpower of steel when it comes to going to bed. Add to the mix that its my weekend to have the stepchildren and my daughter decided to tell me she had to make a rainforest on friday , you get a very stressed, busy and full to the brim household. Sam kicking off was the last thing i needed. It got me to thinking when i get 'skinny' will i do another blog? the options are endless , 'life of a stepmother' or 'life being beaten by your 4 year old and the proffessionals wont listen'. So i guess you can kind of figure why monday came as a blessed relief. I am also nervous and excited about tuesday, tuesday being the results of the new diet i am trying. I cant wait to see the results, yet i am also nervous incase it isnt the result i want. What if i have been doing the diet wrong? What if i put on???? Im also nervous about being weighed in the evening, i normally weigh myself butt naked first thing in the morning after a wee and poo if im lucky. However being weighed of an evening means i will have been eating all day, i will be dressed and i know that my body weighs less in the morning, ive even considered not eating till after ive been weighed.... however for a foodie like me this just wouldnt be an option. God i hope ive found the answer this time, then my weight will be one less thing for me to worry about xxx

always a foodoholic

18/2/12
So im now on day 4 of my new diet and i have got to say i am loving it, i have never done so much cooking in all my life but the meals are amazing, i just hope it is working, ive never enjoyed a diet before so im worried that im not going to loose tuesday. I have double checked several times and it seems i am doing the diet correctly so tuesday will hold the answers- the proof is in the pudding as they say! The smoking however as not been going so well, im trying i really am but i have relasped a few times, although im smoking  alot less than i ever used too. For the first time i seem happy which as alot of you know as a long term depressive this is a major achievement! Im so hopeful now that maybe i can combat this once and for all, the fat stick woman as gone, but only to be replaced with a new one, cause ive decided my new target is 42 pounds, or 3 stones, hopefully by july. Now this will still make me a fatty but it will make me more chubby and less hippo. I will always be a foodoholic, i will always drool over cakes and chocolate and i will always have a fat arse cause thats just how im built, but i need to resist to think of the long term. It aint going to be easy especially as in 2 short weeks i have sams birthday cake, which means resisiting that but i finally feel back in the zone. And at the moment the zone feels good! xxx

Weetabix, weetabix win win win!

15/2/12
So last night was my first night at weightcare and i was so nervous, but i have got to say what a nice group of ladies, it was relaxed informative and very inspiring, i left feeling that i can do this! I knew i was going to weigh more than i did on friday, cause i have been very up and down and i was also fully dressed and it was the end of the day, but the results werent as bad as i feared. However i have decided to scrap my fat stick woman and do a fresh one, this time i will have more segments to fill in, my aim is too loose 3 stone by my 30th in july, so therefore i will now have 42 pounds to loose, i know i can do it! I just need to get my head round the diet a little, so today is going to be a little iffy and i am going to be consulting my book like a bible, having only 10 minutes to eat a lunch at work will be difficult so thats going to take some forward thinking, however after work i am going shopping and i am going to be trying some of the recipes on there, but i forgot to mention i am a hopeless cook so maybe this will improve my kitchen prowess too!However i do have one confession to make this morning............I have had a fag! Im gutted been doing so well but yesterday my charming son broke the charger on my fake fag and im in full panic mode! I dont think i can do it without them and i certainly cant afford a pack of fags so im stressing a little this morning, add to the fact that yet again i had zero sleep last night and it doesnt make a very strong bunny! I feel i am letting everyone down and im already worrying about where my next fix is going to come from, so today is mission day! Mission fag charger, mission shopping and mission cooking! It could be a long day.............................xxxx

today is a fresh start

14/2/12
Apologies for the lack of blogs over the past few days, i have been finding things really tough, since i have been forced to quit smoking, i have been so tearful and believe it or not physically ill! The headaches have been banging and i havent been that great on my diet, i admit when things have got tough and i have tears and snot running down my face i have succumbed to a few bad foods for the comfort value. Today however is a new start for me, i am starting weightcare tonight and while i am very nervous i am also a little excited at maybe finding a diet that works, i am hoping the need for a fag will gradually decrease as well and i can finally get my weight back under control. I know when i get weighed tonight i will be heavier than i was friday and i know i will be embaressed but i also know i need to do this, i have some great support going with me so im hopeful that a kick up the arse will be there when i need it! Wish me luck guys i need it now more than ever xxx

the decision is made

11/2/12
So yesterday i decided i had to join a slimming club, and i have decided that this time its going to be weightcare, there are many reasons ive decided on this one, mainly because it is the only one i havent tried before! Sure they all work but the minute you go off 'plan' the weight goes back on big time, but the other reason is a family member of mine as done this diet and is a huge success story, and i know she will be there to help me come to terms with it. So as from tuesday that will be my new weigh in day and i will write my blog on a tuesday evening from now on instead of in the morning. Im very nervous about it but i feel i need a kick, i am struggling to understand why the diet i am currently on worked so well for me last time and this time its like pulling teeth! Im so nervous about it, its one of those moments that every girl faces i suppose, will i be the biggest one there? will the scales be big enough to weigh me? And lets not forget that i cant strip off there so i am going to have to look scratty and wear the exact same outfit every week so that i know that the clothes weigh exactly the same!
I am also on day 3 of not smoking, i have one of those electronic fags and to be honest it is helping but im still finding it hard, everytime i put the kettle on or go into the itchen full stop i want to light up. Some people have said that i shouldnt try to do both things at once but unfortunatly the time as come when i simply can not afford to smoke, so the choice as been made for me and i couldnt give up the diet cause i know that by the time i have quit the fags i would be the size of a very generous semi detached. I tell you my will power is certainly being tested right now, but there are worse things in the world and i am trying to remember this, i dont want to be bitter i want to be smiley julie, but i also want to be skinny julie, fag free julie........the list goes on xxxx

Back to the drawing board

10/2/12
Ok so the results are in and to be honest im a little bit gutted, i have lost this week thankgod, but ive only lost what i put on last week! So thats no more parts i can colour in, no where near on track for my target now and i can just head butt the wall in frustration! This week, i havent touched my nieces birthday cake, i havent cheated in anyway, i have cut down on my daily calories everyday and i have been doing half an our on the step every other evening, so why have i lost so little? I used to constantly loose weight last time, last time it didnt feel like such a chore. So ive decided that i am going to have to go to a slimming club, i really didnt want too as to be honest i havent got the money. I know its only a fiver a week but i honestly dont have that. After a christmas with 5 kids to buy for i still havent scrapped back the money from then. Add that to my shopping bill, my mortgage etc and my wages just dont cover it. That was why i decided to go it alone, however this week i have also made a monumental decision, i am quitting smoking. Once ages ago i tried to quit and ended up eating a whole loaf of bread before ten thirty in the morning! So this time i have one of those fake cigarettes, its only day two but we will see how i go, if i can quit smoking then im going to have a bash at a slimming club, feeling such a failure today xxx

nearly truth time again!

9/2/12
So another tough week is almost over, after i put on weight last week i need at least 3lb to have claimed myself back and be on the right track again, i have been super extra doubly good this week, do i feel like i have lost? maybe a little but not alot, still tomorrow morning will be the day when i either do a dance or sob into my pillow. I have been so good this week that i have not even had a piece of my nieces 18th birthday cake! I would like to say i was super strong and didnt want it, but i took the wimps way out and gave it to the kids to keep the temptation away. I have also twice this week been forced to go into shops and see the kitkat chunkys staring at me, the fact that i am majorally skint as added to the fact i walked back out the shop without any chocolate! Every cloud as asilver lining right? Today is also my lovely boyfriends birthday, normally i would make him a cake, but this year i am being a terrible girlfriend and i havent cause i like to lick the bowl too much! Gawd some people just never grow up do they! We also will not be going out for lunch or i wont be joining him for a drink this evening! I might as well be a nun! Still im making it up to him by taking him shopping for fishing gear so i guess he isnt too bothered about a cake, the kids will be gutted tho! Im fact after a tough tearful start to the week im feeling very strong so that bloody black thing on my bedroom floor that flashes far too many numbers at me, better bloody be kind tomorrow or its going to take a battering!
Thanks once again for the support and keep sharing with your friends for me please, the support really does keep me going, and please please please keep legs, fingers toes crossed for me tomorrow! You will be the first to know the results xxx

Im a chicken too!

7/2/12
So yesterday i decided i really needed to do some more exercise, there is only one exercise i actually enjoy is swimming, i used to go with my friend but now i go to work everyday and then have to get the kids straight from school so i had to stop that. So last night i set my alarm early cause on a monday night the kids stay overnight with their dad. The aim was to go swimming as soon as it opened at 7am giving me an hour to swim then back home in time for a cuppa before work. However this morning when my alarm went off and i got up, i suddenly felt very panicky, this would be the first time ever that i would be going alone, then i was worried that it would be packed with slim, very fit people trying to get a very fast 60 lengths in before work and i would slow them all down. What if it was packed and everyone looked at me? Suddenly i just couldnt face it, i dont feel good enough to be able to go. So i chickened out, how can the girl that seems so confident to everyone else but scared to go to her local swimming pool and try her god damn hardest to shift some of her blubber. This confidence thing really needs to be worked on, it is now too late to get a swim in before work and i have lost my only chance this week, im a bit annoyed with myself, friday is creeping ever closer and im still feeling like a hippo in a tutu. so there is obviously only one answer.....I need to win the lottery and build myself a private swimming pool where i can set my blubber free xxx

even the jolly fat girls get sad

6/2/12
Yesterday was a tough day, ive been feeling a little tender since i gained weight on friday, i know its only weight and i will get it off eventually but that 1 and a half pounds as really played on my mind. Everything i have wore feels tighter, looks worse and generally isnt doing the job of making me feel fab. As far as my mind is concerned it may have well as been 1 stone. This is where i feel that i have real problems, i have a lot of friends that are on diets (funny how they are all women) and they seem to be able to just chalk it up to experience put it behind them and forget about it knowing they are going to get it off next week. Me i cant do this, i feel like i have let everyone down, i feel like i cant do nothing right and im feel very self conscious, my boyfriend as even threatened to throw the scales in the bin as i have been so upset. Why cant i just carry on? Just accept that my body will change? Because it reminds me so terribly of the last time i put on weight after i had lost the weight. After reaching a 'acceptable' weight last time i was relaxing alittle and generally getting on with my life. I noticed i had put on 3lbs, and do you know what i did? NOTHING! I wasnt bothered, it was 3lb and i had lost so much what was 3lb right? WRONG I got lazy and didnt bother i should have tackled that 3lb head on- but i didnt, fast forward a year and look at the fat mess i am now. So you see i have to bother about this 1lb and a half, my 8lb loss turned to 6 and a half pound and i realised that i cant have a hiccup, i can never let myself breathe for a bit, i will always have to be on a diet for the rest of my life, cause i am a fatty, a greedy one at that and it hurts to know that i can run round all week after everyone else and still fail myself, the cakes will never be mine and i certainly cant eat all the pies xxx

jeans and genes!

I think recently i have been focusing too much on the major reasons i want to loose weight, health, beauty, acceptance- yeah bore off Julie. So lets focus on the little reasons i want to loose weight, things i can still do as a hippo just not as successfully. One of them is jeans, ah good old fashioned denim- in other words a nightmare in blue ( and for once i am not talking about my work uniform). I have at this present moment in time 3 pairs of jeans in my wardrobe, none of them fit me and they have all been wore before, these are my most comfortable jeans i have ever owned. Problem is they dont fit me anymore and i am sick to death of wearing leggings- extremely comfortable i admit, but im not sure even my leggings could stretch over my thighs anymore. Then there is the good old elasticated trousers, again comfortable but not very slimming or attractive, no matter how many tops i pair with them! I just want to get back into those jeans, they are all different sizes so one at a time! I know i could buy a bigger pair, i know that evans do loads of jeans but i dont want them jeans, i want my jeans! At this point i am pouting and stamping my feet. You see to me these jeans symbolise being able to go into a shop and not care what the pattern is ( remember stripes make you look like a pregnant zebra, or the colour ( black always flatterns right?) I want to say im feeling happy today and i want to dress in bright yellow without looking like a tent at glastonbury! Seriously looking at my wardrobe at the moment people must think that i am in permanent mourning! I want to show my personality on the outside, i want to walk up to complete strangers and say see these jeans? They didnt fit my last week, but obviously i would also like to be able to breathe when i am wearing the jeans not just be able to get them on. Fat girl fainting is not a good look guys xxx

Im a hippo

3/2/12
Ok its official, i am a big fat pink hippo, i have two many folds of skin to count, my face is big and i probably have the same amount of teeth as a hippo, as youve probably guessed weigh day did not go well.....I put on 1 and a half pound, how can i put on? how can i put on such a huge amount as well? Im gutted i could quite literally cry, i havent done anything wrong! I have been so strict, i have been a slave to my diet, i even ate frozen meat on my sandwiches, cause the fridge was playing up and the only alternative i had was chocolate spread. This is the point in my diet when i usually think stuff it, and trust me the way im feeling today im very tempted to buy and eat every bloody type of kitkat chunkys there are! What am i going to do? What have i done wrong? and what the hell can i do to increase my chances next week, cause you see next week as just got even more important now, to stay on track with my weightloss i have not only got to loose what i have gained but also loose extra, so i dont go on my romantic birthday break as a whale that got washed up on the beach! Am i always going to be fat? It certainly feels that way to me now, only yesterday someone reminded me that they could tell i had put on weight, its nice being told that! Im fed up, really truely fed up, fed up to the point of im considering a week of laxatives and hoping to god i pick up a sickness bug. Im now two weeks behind and trust me it sucks xxx

The kiss of death?

2/2/12
Ok we are into month 2 of my diet! Can you believe that i have not eaten a doughnut or a kitkat chunky in 2 months? jesus times are tough! So tomorrow is weigh day yet again and secretly im hoping for 2lb weight loss, but heres the thing! I think i may have given myself the kiss of death. All week i have felt thinner, this is the first time i feel like i have actually lost some weight and was quite looking forward to the numbers of doom, this morning however i have woke up feeling like a hippo in a tutu, i feel huge! Sorry that should read HUGE!! I dont feel like i have lost any weight at all, and now i am panicking ever so slightly, obviously i went out last saturday night but i have been so good since and i felt like i had cleansed that out of my body pretty quick, this morning i feel like i have been to a all you can eat buffet and put on zillions and zillions of pounds! Its too early in the 'game' to not be loosing now, i am still officially dead on the good old bmi calculator and all my bellies will still not fit in my enormous pants. I have never wanted too loose so badly in all my life, 2lb would be just fabulous and really keep me on track for my target, but am i going to do it? As its the day before weigh day that i have decided to feel like hippo i guess its all in the hands of the gods now, i do hope he realises tho that by not partaking in the Kitkat chunky challenge i am really giving this a 110%! Keep everything crossed guys cause this hippo wants to be a smaller hippo this time tomorrow! xx

The wierd world of me :/

31/1/12
Remember that programme from years ago beadles about? well yesterday i thought i might have possibly been in it and then i realised beadle is dead and actually i just have a weird life. So i finished work and went straight down to the solicitors i have a deadline to get some paperwork in for my divorce and thanks to a mixture of lloyds tsb and royal mail, my paperwork took over a week to bloody come leaving me 2 days to get them to the solicitor and into the court! So anyway i rushed into the solicitors and am just walking back when i decide to look in a curtain shop, as im perusing the lovel purple curtains i have my eye on, i see two teenage girls, they cant have been more than 20 stood outside the shop looking at me. Wondering if i have a stray piece of food on my lip or something i look away only to hear one of them say ' it is her, its the one that writes about eating too much'. So i turned round and smiled. Now its great to be regonized but when i was a little girl in ruby slippers i was dreaming of stardom not being regonized for filling my fat face!
Still in shock i decide to nip to the asda to get some more bits (diet of course) when as soon as i have got in the foyer this woman of about 40 comes up to me, tears streaming down her face, shaking like a leaf saying can you help me my husband cant understand me- to which she hands me her phone! So im guessing she is stressed about something and in her tearful state she cant make herself understood. So on the phone to someone else husband i explain who i am and that she is really quite upset could he perhaps come and get her? |To which he said ' oh shes just having a panic attack tell her to get a grip and get the bloody shopping' then he put the phone down! Now what am i supposed to do really? So i tell her to calm down go outside and take a few deep breaths, later i learnt i should have told her to take slow breathes so now im worrying i probably made her pass out and a ambulance was called and she never did get the 'bloody shopping'.
I tell you one thing tho it certainly took my mind off eating!!!! xxx

Lets all fight to exercise!

30/1/12
So the alarm went off at 6 for me and Eloise to go jogging, however she took one look outside and said can we exercise on the wii instead? To be honest being the big fat wimp i am I was very quick to agree. It is freezing outside and trust me when your warming your nipples back up they bloody hurt! So we set ourselves up to do a 10 minute jog (on the spot obviously). Then Sam appears round the door and of course he wants to join in also, now personally i cant see the problem with this, but Eloise is not impressed and the morning turns into a 'its my turn' , 'no not that one', 'its my turn for the pad' . jeez im only trying to get some exercise in, now i did 10 minutes on the spot and for some reason i can manage this but if it was outside i doubt i could manage 3 minutes, how does that work? Well anyway i got sweaty didnt i, isnt that what its all about? Thing is im starting to get unhappy again, i mean ive lost 8lb even i am impressed by my progress so far but why am i now looking at my body more and becoming uncreasingly unhappy? I swear the mirror seems to be getting my body bigger not smaller. why does how mind work like this? Im beginging to wonder where exactly this 8lb as come from. My chin is still keeping my neck warm, my bingo wings are still getting trapped in my bra and my stomachs still sit on my lap like 3 cats curling up for a cuddle. At what point do i start seeing bones?
Guess i should just add inpatient to my list of faults along with, chocoholic, depressive, talkative, excitable, greedy.........xxx

Back to reality

29/1/12
So last night i went out for a suprise for my niece who is soon to 18, i had a back massage which was lovely and i swear it took the woman twice as long because of my fat but i kept hoping she was moving some of it up to my boobs and not round my legs! It also included a 3 course meal, with lots of bread, pastry and chocolate, I ate it all up and thought i would be in heaven but to be honest i felt so bloated and uncomfortable afterwards i didnt know where to put myself and i drank less than i thought i would, so hey every cloud as a silver lining! This morning i have woke up determined to work off those cheats yesterday and im trying to figure out how to do it, it looks so cold and icy outside and im wondering if we will get the snow they keep on about, i can still only manage to jog to 3 lamposts before i have to stop and walk and i must admit the weather is making me wonder whether i will even make it to the 4th lampost, im such a wimp!
last night tho i realised even more what an addict i am to chocolate! With the after dinner coffee we had a plate of roses chocolates to share and as everyone started asking which chocolate were which i proudly named every variety on the plate with a description! Now i thought this was normal! I thought everyone knew which chocolates were which in every tin without the use of he little 'menu'. By the looks of suprise i would guess not! So there it is official chocolate is my demon, my heroin and a very well educated demon at that! I suddenly realised this is what my life as become, if i was to ever go on mastermind then chocolate would certainly be my specialised subject and you know my fat arse would win it! So my aim for this week, while being extremly dedicated to my diet is to research carrots then maybe just maybe my body will think i love them as much as caramel kegs....mmmm caramel kegs...... xxx

Ive faced the scales once again

27/1/12
Ok so after the week from hell, it was time to weigh myself again this morning! I was so nervous cause although i cheated friday when i had my teeth out as i confessed, i was as good as gold the rest of the week, even going jogging. So as i stripped off and stood on the scales with my eyes tightly shut i was dreading it! However i am pleased to report that i lost 2 and a half pound! whoop whoop! Taking my total to 8lb since i stared my fat stick woman! So thats 31lb to go for my self set target! Im absolutly thrilled, i could have done a little dance if it wasnt so dark and cold and well stupid! I feel full of hope once more that i can do it again, that i can go away for my 30th and not hide from the camera, that maybe just maybe i can get the red heels out again, start to wear some nice underwear and not have to buy hammocks for my boobs.
Yesterday i finally threw out  my size 24s as well. I was keeping them just incase i got bigger and bigger and needed them once more, but like chocolate cake they just kept looking at me, and i was fed up. I refuse to go back up to a size 24 so they went in the bin, now i have to carry on loosing weight cause to be honest im so skint i cant afford any new clothes, and walking round naked was not on my plans for this year. Maybe just maybe this year is going to be my year xx

Me and my body- a bad romance

25/1/12
Ok so yet again i have woke up in pain, my tooth is still hurting, my throat is sore and im generally feeling a little down. It got me thinking about my body and what he represents to me, some people see their bodies as a mean fighting machine, a vessel for a healthy soul, body and mind. Me? We have a turbulant relationship. In some ways i feel my body as let me down, and i know that alot of it is my own fault, in other ways im proud of all it as been through. Now i am going to give you prior warning here that you may not want to read this if you dont like gruesome things, or are a little squeamish, but again i promised to be honest and in a weird 'julie' way i do think this as something to do with why i treat my body the way i do.
Why am i proud of my body? Well it generally does what it is supposed to do, it looks female even tho im fat, im very proud of my huge rack and it as given birth naturally to 3 gorgeous healthy children, it procreates, it pumps blood and it keeps me alive. In a way tho by being this good to me my body as took a battering and is now not performing perhaps the way it should, is this my fault? Or is it just that it cant take anymore? Let me explain...............
As i have touched on before, Sam was a turbulant pregnancy and birth but what i havent expressed is how this as effected me long term. When i was 12 weeks pregnant my waters broke, the prognosis was grim, the most possible outcome being that he just wouldnt survive, i held onto him until 28 weeks and all that time i willed my body to protect him, and it worked Sam was born tiny but strong and at that moment i couldnt have cared less if i was fat, my body had protected my son and fought to work, unfortunatly the story doesnt end there...........From 19 weeks onwards Sam was kicking my placenta, it was literally falling apart inside me, by the time i gave birth to Sam it was a broken mess. I was very poorly during the labour i could feel myself going, and the doctors were obviously also aware of the urgency. The minute Sam was born they realised they didnt have time to get me to theatre to remove the placenta. While awake the doctor had to manually remove my placenta...now trying to be as non graphic as possible, this meant using his hand to pull the broken pieces out. My insides are now a scarred mess, i dont blame the doctor he did what he had too and as horrific as the memories are i would do it all over again. The problem is that since Sams birth I have pretty much been on my period constantly, i will have a few 'normal' months but then i will bleed for weeks sometimes months non stop. This is when i get really down, try being on your period all the time! The cramps, the tears and just wanting to stick as many snickers in your mouth as possible. It is also the physical side of things tho, i started going swimming, i was really enjoying it and i could feel myself getting toned up, i now havent been for months because i cant. So what now? Well i need to get past this reward/punishment of my body and just accept it. Its an awful thing to wish for but im hoping one day soon the doctors will agree to give me an hysterectomy or something anything! Im sorry todays blog is all serious but i just want to get accross that sometimes its more than greediness, sometimes its that you dont know whether to love your body or hate it xxx

me vs nestle

24/1/12
As many of you may remember i wrote a blog a short while ago about how nestle made me fat by taking away my favourite chocolate bar with no prior warning, this in turn made me want to binge on anything i liked incase it happened again. Well today i bring you some breaking news....NESTLE are at it again!!! They obviously learnt alittle from last time as this time they are giving us prior warning. This is a shock to my system and as me panicking about not being able to get my chocolate obsession point across. Now as i am sure you are all aware i am not that fussy when it  comes to chocolate however everyone as their favourites and i am quite found of kitkat chunkys, its the thick piece of chocolate on the top that does it for me! Now they have brought out 4 new flavours- double chocolate chunky, peanut butter chunky, white chocolate chunky and orange chunky! They downside is that they are only bringing them out for a limited time and the one that sells the most is the only one that stays, now i am not being melodramatic here but i could be missing out big time on a new taste senstation! You see i cant even try all four flavours cause on my diet it doesnt say anywhere (and i checked the small print) that i can have a chunky fest! Ok so one out of four is going to stay but what if it isnt my favourite??? Is this going to be a turning point in my life where i have to make a huge decision? I think so and i have been thinking alot! The way i see it i have 3 options- 1) Just dont eat the bloody chocolate Julie!, 2) eat them, put what ive lost back on and wallow in my lack of willpower or 3) bombard Nestle with phonecalls, emails and letters and demand they see the point of my plight! Ok so i am over exaggerating a little (ok a lot) I am not going to do 2 or 3 i have to do 1! Althought i do have one more little trick up my sleeve.............never ever go in to a shop again! xxx

what being thin means to my life

23/1/12
Was excellent yesterday, really trying hard to put my bad time behind me and get on track for friday, yesterday i got to thinking about all the things i feel i can no longer do now i have put the majority of my weight back on. First of all it means red heels! Stupid i know but i just dont have the confidence to wear them anymore, to me red signals 'look at me' now once upon a time that would have been fine by me, i felt confident to carry them off, now they gather dust in my wardrobe as i feel that if i wore them, people wouldnt look at my shoes they would look at my fat and two would my tree trunks seriously not break the gorgeous heels by putting all my weight on too two thin heels??? It also means i wont get done for manslaughter of my lovely bf, as much as he loves me i dont think he appreciated nearly being squashed the other night! Mind you he was beign a typical man! I had gone downstairs at 3.30am to take some more painkillers and in the 3 minutes i was gone he had rolled over to my side of the bed, oh course being the considerate person i am, i never turned on the lights so went back up to bed and only from the yelp did i realise i had jumped straight on the bf, i felt like i had murdered a puppy! Being thin again means nice knickers! I have an obsession with pants and when i lost my weight before i would treat myself with a new pair everytime i lost weight, however now i have 'a sad stomach' hanging over my lady garden wearing silky knickers saying 'sexy beast' no longer feels appropiate.....unless of course i scrub off the sexy part! Now i have gone back to huge parachutes that i can tuck my belly into just to make me look alittle less bumpy, or if im feel humourous my hippo ones! 'im hippo into you' they say and the hippo covers my ass just nicely!
But apart from the obvious confidence boosts it means i can face every day knowing what didnt kill me made me stronger and that fat, thin, swollen faced, or crying with laughter im just Julie and soon everyone is going to know me inside and out xxx

fighting back

22/1/12
Ok no more misery, im fed up of my own whinging if im honest. I am still in a lot of pain and my face still resembles the elephant man it is so swollen. The past 2 days have been so hard, maybe i am a wimp but it still feels like someone as hacked my mouth too pieces. Last night tho i realised i have to put myself in check, ok soup is boring and i love my food but how gutted am i going to be come friday? I just have to hope and pray now that i have given myself a kick up the arse soon enough. This morning (while it was still dark) me and my beautiful daughter Eloise went jogging, we didnt go far and i had to stop twice to fast walk but we have decided to do it every morning. I am embarressed to be seen huffing and puffing down the road but this journey is not just about me but about Eloise too. I love Eloise to pieces unfortunatly however she is a chip off the old block, my two sons can eat till the cows come home and they are skinny, but Eloise is like her mother and everything goes on her. Thing is i dont want Eloise to grow up feeling like i did, that it was wrong to eat and to become a secret binger, i want her to be proud of who is she regardless of her weight, so i thought if we did this exercise together then at least she is moving, i dont want to get on at her for everything she eats, she is the most kind hearted kid i know but kids are so cruel and already the jibes have started. It is also some mum and daughter time that we are going to enjoy, lets hope we can keep it up (and that soon i wont have to stop to walk). I apologise for the last few days of misery i have subjected you too and i need you to keep everything crossed i know i only have myself to blame but i really need to loose again friday to give me the spur i need once more. stay with me guys and if you see me jogging give me a whoop whoop xxx

Ruined

21/1/12
Morning all, you can all officially hate me now- i have cheated- big time. yesterday as you are all aware i had two of my teeth removed, it was horrid, worse than i expected and left me bleeding and in agony all day, i hadnt eaten all day and by the time the numbness wore off early evening i was starving and sore, so i hate a bar of dairy milk followed by a dominoes pizza, then just to make me feel even worse the bleeding started back up again, This morning i am still feeling really quite poorly, the bleeding is on and off still, my face is swollen and so painful, im trying so hard to stick to my diet and so far today i am sticking to it purely because all my diet food is not mushy enough. Im feeling pretty sorry for myself, i was hoping today to be back to being determined and well again, instead im sitting here typing, crying and holding my mouth. Im so scared now for weigh day already i was doing so well and to be honest im not sure how im going to get on today, i am almost wishing i had never had it done. I feel utterly drained, hardly any sleep and i shook all day yesterday, and as you are all aware by now when im feeling down i turn to food, what am i going to do? Ive completly ruined everything :( be back later hopefully xx

Weigh day again

20/1/12
Ok so its 5.26am and im up really cause in a few hours im going to get my teeth taken out and im scared! Very scared, but i thought seen as im up i will weigh myself and try and cheer myself up. After a horrendous week i was really hoping for a good result and i lost! But i lost a measly 1 and a half pound! I know i lost and everything but i am a bit gutted, i was hoping for more seen as ive hardly eaten and have been so so good all week despite all the set backs that would normally send me running (ok driving) to the shop for a bit fat dairy milk. Im nervous and disapointed but im not going to let it stop me, i suppose if i look on the bright  side i have now lost just over half a stone, and if i hadnt been dieting i could have at least put a stone on, cause i do put weight on so so easily. Another plus point is i havent got to argue the toss on whether i should have a treat or not cause most of the day my mouth is going to be numb, im just hoping that when i come out i will be relieved that my teeth have gone and have no more trouble and properly get on with it in the hope that i loose a couple of pound next week. To me it is really important i loose just over 2lb next week as it means i will drop those all important stone digits on  the scales, unfortunatly i will still be in double digits but it will be a lower double digit! lol
Next week however i am going out for an evening, i will be over my allowance on alcohol alone but i havent been out in almost a year and i think that i really deserve to go out, i was so crippled with depression on my birthday last july i even stayed in that day and just asked my family to come to me cause i couldnt face going out. So i know i have come a long way in myself but now i am panicking that next week i am going to scupper my diet all in one day! So come one guys and gals youve been so good to me so far and i know im a cheeky cow but could you all keep everything crossed for me today that it goes well with my teeth, for next weeks weigh day and that i dont put it all back on by having a few drinks next week, gawd i am asking alot aint i!.....Now if you will excuse me im just going to bang my head up the wall until dentist time :( xxx

have i got the willpower?

19/1/12
I have had a shocking week, im glad to report i havent cheated yet but jesus if it carries on like this im going to need some serious willpower. Im a little anonyed with myself to be honest cause its only week 3 its not like ive been doing it years, i keep imagining how great i felt last time, the hot tub in cornwall, trousers that dont go pop but still every morning i keep wishing i could have something stodgy or chocolate. I think im feeling the strain more cause everything as decided to break on me, first it was the car and the washing machine, now my hob on my cooker isnt working, my cold tap wont turn on and as you all know im running majorly low on cupboard doors. Ive had toothache and ive got to not only face the scales but the dentist tomorrow and i know im being a baby but i feel like throwing a paddy. Im so worried we will have to cancel cornwall to pay for everything and to top it all off im having medical problems again.
Sorry enough whinging, i am now going to tell you all the good things about this week.... Sam as decided he is going to be 'kind' from now on, and bless him he is trying but waking me up at 4.55am 'so i dont have to rush' is not exactly the sort of 'kind' i like. Despite all my stresses i have not cheated and i also havent punched someone in the face for being a idiot so i think i deserve brownie points on that also. I faced my fears and went to the dentist initially i just have to force myself to go again tomorrow, and lets not forget the most important and truely best thing about this week- my family, how can i be a miserable cow when i am so lucky to have such a fantastic family and friends who i also consider family. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a kick up the arse- and this is mine.........keep everything crossed for weigh day tomorrow guys xx

Toothache and diets

18/1/12
Ok for the last 2 days i have had toothache :( the pain is a nightmare and im petrifried of dentists, but it got to the point where if the dentist didnt take it out i would bloody pull the thing out myself. The bad news is tho I cant get them removed till friday! Now if you have been following my blog, you will know that friday is my weigh day, so if i dont loose weight this week and then have to get my teeth removed then im going to be a very mardy girl-with a numb mouth! However my other problem with having to wait until friday is not just the pain but the pure fact that i will have to weigh myself with my teeth still in my head is playing on my mind, i mean surely them 2 teeth that are getting pulled friday will at least weigh a 1lb?? Is the whole world conspiring against me? Which brings me to my second tooth/diet related problem. Im finding it almost impossible to eat, at first i thought that was great and was expecting a huge loss, but i swear as the days have gone by i can hear my fat cells crying in agony and screaming ' oh no shes never going to feed us again we better stay put so she can last a bit longer' Dont mean to be rude but fat cells- just do one!
I am starving tho and diet food is not really 'tooth sympathetic' if you know what i mean! Apples? i cant bleeding bite that hard! Meat? I cant chew and trust me if one little chick gets stuck in my mouth im going to cry- and paddy! The only things that i will be able to eat without inflicting more agony upon myself is ....ice cream, trifles and if i suck it for long enough chocolate, you can see why im just not really eating at the moment! It seems to be hot things that are bringing the pain out worse and im desperate for a cup of tea! Im really feeling quite mardy and fed up right now, i need a huge weightloss and a set of falsies to cheer me up i reckon xx

Gastric bands and me

17/1/12
Now its seems that almost everyone is having gastric bands put in to help them loose weight, and for a little while i too considered it, so what changed my mind? Well first of all even tho im obese im not considered fat enough to have a band-this i find very amusing! It must be the only time in my life ive ever been told that im 'underweight'! But its more than that for me, i dont want the choice of food to be taken away from me, sad isnt it that im so addicted that i cant bear the thought of never being able to eat properly again. Then there is all the horror stories of it going wrong, what would my kids prefer? A fat alive mum or a skinny dead one?
I dont think that i need a op to get me thin, remember i have lost all my weight before so somewhere deep inside i must have the willpower to carry on the hard way, plus i really honestly believe that you can give yourself a 'natural band'. Sounds strange i know but last time i lost weight i was about 5 stone down and had been dieting for nearly a year when some of my friends from work and myself decided to go out for lunch. We decided on taybarns, a place where almost every food is on offer and you can eat as much as you like, i was so excited! I was going to go for it big time- and i did. I went up time and time again and even tho my stomach was telling me i was full i kept shovelling that food in, the result? I was sick as a dog, i have never felt so bad in all my life, i even had to ring my friend to pick my kids up from school. So i truely believe that you can train your body to only accept too much food, where i went wrong was i kept pushing the limit untill my stomach capacity grew once more. So whose to say i wouldnt find a way to cheat the band? To me weightloss is mostly in the head, its my relationship with food, I see it as a treat not as fuel, so for me personally a gastric band is out, hypnosis however i might consider...............xxx

There is more to me than meets the eye!

16/1/12
So im feeling a little better today, still not great but well enough to go to work, which is a blessing really cause as much as i could do with the rest, im skint! I dont even mean a little bit skint either, skint to the point of my diet getting very close to becoming a starvation diet! As weekends go it hasnt been the greatest, first my car died, so ok its only the battery but its still £90 quid, school are constantly asking me for money, bills to be paid and now the washing machine decides to leak everywhere! My kitchen is falling apart (i am now 3 cupboard doors down) and i have no food! When i say no food i mean good food, we still have things left over from christmas but trying to get from whale size to more of a carp size this is really not the food for me. I dont get paid until a week today and i have £20 at the moment, now that does not go very far at the best of times but jesus why does fruit have to cost a bomb? Im half thinking of returning to my old job............
Now as part of the deal with this blog i am promising to be completly honest and let you get to know the real me so please dont judge me on this! Im still Julie after all. Reverse 3 years and im fat, very fat about 18 stone worth of fat, my ex husband got made reduntant and i hadnt worked since Sam was born so poorly, but i didnt want to start claiming so i worked from home as a ...........sex texter..........(you may now gasp in horror), Thing is it worked, i could still be a stay at home mum but my kids would still have food in their bellies. It opened my eyes to an whole new world (and not in the way you are thinking) I suddenly found that men are very interested in women of all shapes and sizes, everyday we were given a persona, a woman to pretend to be including pictures! One day i was assigned the persona of 'big fat jenna' now bless her big fat jenna was just as described, i practically felt malnourished! That day i realised that men do not find us fatties unattractive in fact a huge number of men find a huge woman very very attractive. I hated that job, i hated that i had to do it, but i was not going to let my kids go without and when times are tough us mums do our very very best. It however made me realise that i was good enough, i was confident in who i was back then but after that day my confidence soared, ok so i wasnt everyones cup of tea but i was married and i found i could be well dressed and attractive. That was one of the times i remember feeling truely happy within my skin, so what turned me into a reclusive, calorie counting size obsessed weirdo? I cant tell you yet but i will, this is just the start of my journey and i hope when i have overcome this weeks demons you will still be following me and will support me when i tell you , have a great monday guys the world is ours to seize xx

I'm poorly :(

15/1/12
Im ill! I feel so rough writing this, my throat kills, my head is banging and everytime i cough my stomach clenches and makes me whimper. It started yesterday afternoon and kind of put a dampner on everything, although im feeling rough as a badgers arse so cheating is impossible, i spent all day on the sofa doing no exercise at all! Im pretty sure my belly feels bigger already! Ive just got no energy at all and it feels horrible im begining to wonder whether perhaps this is withdrawel as ive abused my body so much in the past its come to see fat as a necessity. My nose is red like rudolph and i know i dont look attractive i mean im lounging around in my pjs, my boobs down to my knees, red nose, no makeup and hair so greasy i can tie it back without a bobble-not good. I need to get  my mojo back and quick time, why does everythign seem more of a big deal when your ill?  Sorry this is a short blog if the fog in my head clears i will try and fill you in more later today xxx

Its all about secrets!

14/1/12
So yesterday after everyones supportive comments i felt like i could manage to go without a treat, that will be for when i am desperate (trust me that day will come properly when i am hormonal). So anyway i got thinking about why my treats are so important to me, and shock horror its not just because i am a greedy cow. So here it is, NESTLE runined my life! The above picture is of a secret bar, a bar that i have had to find the picture of to prove to people they did exist! Trust me not one of my mummy friends from up the school had heard of them (Amy, Sharon and Tina you missed a treat i tell you!). So here is why nestle ruined my relationship with chocolate, I was mad on these chocolate bars that were gooey, chocolately and in a hexagonal wrapper (oh the poshness!) Whenever i was allowed a treat thats what i chose, then one day without any prior warning they discontinued them! I never had any chance to say goodbye, to stock up a stash or even gorge till i was sick on them. To say i was gutted was an understatement, then they did the same with 'mavericks' and 'fuses', it followed an awful pattern where i would really like something then they would dissapear. To prove a point asda recently brought out a cake called a whoopie pie, they were out of this world, and then they changed the recipe! They now do not taste the same and are a complete disapointment, how i wished i had ignored the diet and just had one more! So maybe thats my problem, maybe when i like something i worry that they are never going to do them again and i will have to eat as many as possible in a short amount of time, so as to get my full and avoid disapointment once more........... or maybe its just cause im greedy!
To be honest im sure any shrink would have a field day with me, i know i have an addictive personality, a guilt complex and a lack of confidence, but to be honest what person does? I mean im pretty sure no one is entirely happy with the way they look, my addiction is anything full of fat, sugar and calories, for others its gambling, alcohol or drugs, i really should be glad that im not addicted to all of them! Maybe i should stop looking at anything new, you cant miss what you aint tried right? Yesterday tho as i realised that maybe that is part of the reason im fat (feeling im missing out that is) I also realised that nothing tastes as good as feeling happy feels, if i was to suddenly pass away would my last thought be ' i wish i had had that chocolate?' of course it wouldnt it would be about my loved ones and they truely are my real drug. My body as much as i hate it as given me 3 wonderful children, one of which the doctors said would not live, but i didnt give up then and i wont give up now its time to repay my body for all its given me, by giving it something back........and that certainly doesnt include more stretch marks and completly runining it. So another cheat free week begins xxxx

the results are in!

13/1/12
Well its weigh day, and i was up at 5 past 5 to weigh myself! not sure if that is pure craziness or dedication! I also needed a wee so maybe that was why i really woke up! Anyway all week i have been strict as, i managed to fit my hand down the back of my trousers, i didnt reach for the chocolate when Sam pulled yet another kitchen door off (can i just say it makes dieting even harder with no cupboard doors cause you can see everything!) and i had a little panic when i weighed myself the other night and i hadnt budged but...................I lost 3lb! I am chuffed to bits! thats 3 pieces of my fat stickwoman i can colour in and only 36 spaces left to go! Ok so 36 is still alot before my self set deadline of july but 36 is better than 39 and i am so hoping that next week it will be better again.
Which leads me to my next question, do i have a cheat day or not? Before i used too every friday but only if i lost, sometimes it would be a drink on a friday night, other times a take away, it kept me focused and if i really really craved something i could 'bank' it for a friday, but was this also where i went wrong? Cause with everything that subsequently happened in my life, my cheat day started to become a cheat weekend, then eventually i was dieting only a couple of days a week. So heres where i want your input again, do i have a sneaky cheat today or do i try and stick it out for another few weeks ( i have gone 2 weeks without a cheat). For a foodoholic like me this is a major achievement, but im in two minds, part of me is at this very moment (yes i know its only 6.10 am) drooling over the thought of a chocolate bar, but the other part of me is thinking would i ruin next weeks chances if i did this? Dilemma's hey! probably as tough as they get!
Im so happy that i can report a loss to you this week and its all thanks to you guys, this blog is helping me tremendously and i sure at least 1lb of my loss is due to shaking off the guilt! Now if you will excuse me i have 3 spaces to colour in! xxxx

ben, jerry and me

12/1/12
So tomorrow is my weigh day and im a bit worried about it if i am honest, i have been super strict this wee and i havent put a foot wrong, but i dont feel any lighter, plus i have a confession. Last night i stood on the scales, i know i shouldnt have, and it was night time i was fully clothed etc but i felt like i had failed cause i was still exactly the same weight. Now i am dreading tomorrow morning cause what if i havent lost any? I dont think i can cope with that when i have been so so good, and not cheated once not even with a little sweet.Im worried that if i dont loose i will go back to the 2 men in my life that always make things better....ben and jerry.
Of course i am talking about ice cream, we have a turbulant relationship me, ben and jerry i hate it and love it at the same time, while going through my divorce i went through tubs of the stuff and made me feel so much better, but then it did the dirty on me and made me put all this weight back on. Still I have trouble staying away tho. I always turn to them when things get tough, it is my proper drug, my forbidden fruit (ha ha if only it was fruit hey!) There as been so many times this week i have just wanted to turn to my old ways, ive had a rubbish week at work with certain 'grownups' throwing their dummy out their pram, i have lost another kitchen door thanks to an over hungry Sam that just couldnt take no, its january and im struggling to find the money for the constant fresh fruit, but i have stuck to it cause i just cant bear to be hiding away from the camera for another year, to wear clothes that dont show anything. I ask you all to keep everything crossed for me cause trust me if i havent lost at least 2lb there will be tears at breakfast and i fear that breakfast may be a threesome if you know what i mean xx

I aint gone pop yet!

10/1/12
I have been feeling really good lately with all the possitive comments i have been getting, i really feel like this blog is 'chicken soup' for my soul, but one thing i have not lost is my sense of hunour, i mean come on youve got to have one havent you! Take today for example, my son the notourious Sam (yet again) came in from school and as usual he is starving! So two packets of crisps, 3 jaffa cakes and a whole punnet of grapes he declares he is still starving. Trying to get him to leave of the food for just 5 minutes i say to him ' surely you cant have room for anymore you will pop' to which he replied ' I wont, your really fat and you havent popped yet' .Yeah thanks Sam! Brought me back down to earth tho, i have been feeling 'thinner' in my head which i think is half the battle most of the time, no matter what anyone says it is how you feel yourself not numbers that define your head. With that one sentence tho i realised that people still see me as fat, i may have lost 3lb and got my arm down the back of my trousers but according to my bmi im dead and everyone else cant literally see that 3lb. But I still have my sense of humour, and it is funny, im hoping one day he will call me a thin mummy, but maybe until that day i should just walk round with a sign round my neck saying '-3lb' or i could also shove my hands down my back every few minutes!
Talking of pounds tho, its not only weight you loose, im skint! why is healthier stuff always more expensive and i always seem to be in the shop buying more fruit etc, seriously its like torturing us twice! I have to bypass the walnut whips and buy grapes which are 3 times as much and lets be honest in the taste test a walnut whip would win hands down! However im feeling positive, here i get to right down my thoughts and share with you everything, i feel i am finally doing something and more importantly i know inside of my head is healing. Its nearly friday and i hope to god i can report some more weightloss to you, im trying hard peeps xxx

trousers-1 me- 1....were equal

10/1/12
Now im sure pretty much all of you read my blog last week when i spent the morning sobbing into my quilt as my quivering belly burst through my trousers and i had to get a bigger pair. Well today i report good news, that i have equalled the score between me and my trousers. Are you ready for this????? Today I........Stuck my hand down the back of my trousers! Up to my elbow no less! Now i know that they are hardly falling off me or anything, and im not quite needing a belt to keep my arse from saying 'peek-a-boo' but this is progress!Im a little complexed as to why my back seems to have shrunk tho and not either of my two bellies. Im not complaining dont get me wrong, loosing weight from anywhere is great but my back? I wasnt anti my back anyway, i mean it cant offend me cause i cant see it (is this where someone writes to tell me actually my back as been making them feel ill for years?) It does its job and keeps me upright most of the time, it appears to have all the bones and i can actually feel them (unlike my hip bones which im sure are still under there somewhere).
Its all progress tho afterall, im just hoping that i dont loose an inch of my big toe next week! I remember when i lost weight last time and the bone in my neck showed, i swear to god it was the first time i had ever seen a bone there, the excitement was almost too much to bear! i ran round telling everyone look at my bone and i kept touching it so much that it was permantly red for the first few weeks,until i found i also had a bone on my wrist then that became my new favourite bone. So what to do this time i mean i am major excited about the whole hand down the back of my trousers thing but i cant walk round work with my hand down there, or say to people 'see how far your hand can go' So i am not going to mention it, except on here of course where i have obviously bragged about it for the last half hour! So this is my new bragging ground, as well as my crying ground, my purging ground and everything else, gawd you guys do have to listen to some nonsense bless you! Right if you will excuse me im just off to stick my hand down the back of my trousers ;) till later xx

Life of an Overeater- Obsessed with Calories

9/1/12

So how did i lose so much weight last time? The answer is pure and simple calorie counting, i simply focused on the calories and ignored everything else and it worked, i started on 1600 calories a day and became so obsessed that eventually i reduced myself to between 800-1000 calories a day. When i look back its obvious that going that low and then binging it was going to go back on eventually and here we are 4 stone back on. It as also left me with another lasting effect, i am like a walking calorie counter, i pretty much know how many calories are in literally everything, i also know the best chocolate bars to eat, the lowest sugar fix and ways to trick your body. For a start you will always find grapes in my freezer, cause if you close your eyes and watch tv or something to take your mind off whats in your mouth then you can convince yourself that the frozen grapes are actually boiled sweets, sort of , maybe....but at least it is something in your mouth! Time outs you know the chocolate wafer bar, 85 calories a stick, now if your really obsessed like me you can put it in the fridge, harden it and then eat it layer by layer. Sad aint i? I have even resorted to eating puddings frozen just so that they last longer! Weight watchers puddings of course! I am literally a walking encyclopedia, even to the point of it doing my long suffering bf and my work mates head it. He cannot understand why i will buy something simply for being a few calories less, how i will agonise over how many precise spoonfuls go into my hot chocolate. You see thats the weird thing with me, im either in the zone or not. If i am in the zone nothing can break me, if im feeling a little shaky even a bounty can break me ( and i hate bountys) This is what i mean about it giving me a eating disorder, food to me is no longer enjoyable, even if i enjoy it for the seconds its in my mouth the calories haunt me in my head. I cannot just pick up the cheapest available option in the supermarket and most of all i cant forgive myself. Poor Carol bless her (my work mate) will hear every little detail of what i have done wrong, every lb that as gone on my belly, i self critizise myself daily and beat myself up over every little hiccup. I should just sweep it under the carpet and carry on with my diet, but i cannot! It will cause tears, and guilt, remorse and self hatred over what i consider a major cheat. I was never this way before, i felt that i was me and no-one had ever known me any different, that one chocolate bar would not cause a lifetime of elasticated trousers, that when i was ready it would happen. Now i cant wait for me to be 'ready', now i have to count every calorie, i have even checked headache tablets for calorie contents!!! Drank green tea (just about swallowable if you shut off all your senses) and took laxatives. The really sad thing is that even tho i crave chocolate it is no longer a treat to my mind it is a punishment, a vicious circle in which i readily submit myself too...... now if you excuse me i will just go and check how many calories are in a mars bar xx

Life of an Overeater- Diets and Divorces

8/1/12
So as we all know i have previously been a big 'loser' so what went wrong? Well one thing was my divorce, although it was the right choice and i dont regret it at all now, the first year after our seperation was really hard. There was high emotions, guilt, turmoil over the kids and of course the feeling of failure. I lost my confidence and hid away at home, my emotions was all over the place and of course i had a thousand things to sort out, like who would keep the house, remortgaging and dividing assests. My stress level were at a all time high, had that to the fact that my emotions were swinging like a pendulum going between relief, strength and utter heartbreak. So i did what i always do when things get too much, i ate. Some days i couldnt eat at all it was like my throat had tightened up, others i was like a pig and i ate chocolate like it was going to be banned forever. But i was still loosing weight, obviously it was the stress making my body burn it as soon as i had eaten it, and thats when i broke my diet. In my fat addled head i had cracked it i could eat and still be thin. Of course tho over time things got sorted, i remortgaged my house and my life, we sorted out the kids and things settled down, exceot i carried on eating whatever i wanted. Then i was signed off work sick and of course my days were spent eating, the weight started to go back on.
Now i am extremly happy, in love and content with my what i have and excited for the future the only problem is that i got so content i forgot about my weight until i had almost put it all back on, so here i am now trying to get it back off again, although my reasons for loosing weight this time are very different (one day i will tell you what sparked my initial weightloss-but not yet im not ready) I want to look nice for John, I want him to be proud of me, i dont want my weight to hold me back in what we do and of course we have a holiday to look forward too, just me and John for my 30th in cornwall, a secluded lodge with a hot tub, total relaxation and im hoping for a bit of well you know, so thats why ive aimed for 39lb off by july so both of us can sit in the hot tub with champagne and strawberries and not just me with only room for john's little toe xx

Life of an Overeater- Fat stickwoman

7/1/12
So this picture above (i said i was fat not an artist)  is my new tool in dieting. Now i know that i will never be a stickwomen cause lets face it, wouldnt i look boring, but i shouldnt be such a fat stickwomen. This picture now takes pride of place on my fridge, unfortunalty it doesnt oink at me but then the piucture says it all. Plus every friday when i weigh myself i get to (hopefully) colour in some spaces, thats right each space equals a pound and my body is split into 39 pounds as that is my target before i go away for my 30th. The big question is tho wish space to colour in first! I think i have covered all the appropiate places of fat on my body, so maybe it isnt a normal stick man, but its my stick woman and im proud of it :)
I also have another thing to be proud of...... my first shopping trip with no baddies in my trolley, i was so tempted but i resisted and found myself another treat instead....hair stuff :) Now last time it was knickers but i now own so many pairs that its just stupid, plus im hoping my kitchen picker knickers will be too big soon. I was tempted by bra's but hey again im hoping to knock a few inches off my knockers also! So i thought i would focus on something i like about myself, and i do like my hair its the only bit of me thats thin after all so i thought i would treat it as it gets pulled rather alot! This shopping trip i bought myself a bit of hair bling, in the shape of headbands (trust me il try and pull the fashion faux pas off) but the possibilities are endless, bobbles, clip, dye, posh conditioning treatments and maybe when i loose my 39 pounds a new style! Im so smug with myself cause when im messing with my hair im also not in the kitchen eating ( and ive tried eating my hair it gets stuck in my teeth) Watch this space ladies me and my stickwoman are going to have the best year ever.....and just to be doubly backed up ive bought some options hot chocolate for when i really cant take the snickers shakes anymore ;) xx

Life of an Overeater- addictive!

6/1/12
Well week number one is over and i have lost 3 pounds! I wanted more but hey at least im losing, you just cant please some women can you! At least i am going in the right direction tho, and hopefully next week will bring me some more loss. This week i have noticed that i have craved chocolate everyday, most mornings i am waking up already planning what my calories will allow me for that day. So i started looking at myself mnore deeper and i have come to the conclusion that I have a major addictive personality! It started when i was looking through my bedroom trying to tidy up, and i counted 64 pairs of knickers! Yes 64! ive got funny ones, 'sexy' ones, thongs, sparkly ones, bridgets you name it its in there!. I didnt always have so many knickers but last time i lost all my weight i found i needed a new addiction, instead of treating myself to food i was buying knickers, the problem is that when i started buying food again i also kept up with the knickers! Then there is magazines i religiously buy 5 magazines without fail, and as for books i have so many that its impossible to even get in one cupboard.
Then there is the obsession with calories, oh the love hate relation between us is a strong turbulant one. I am like a walking information stand on what chocolate is the best to eat, the lowest possible lunch you can get away with. But the funny thing is i have never logged how many calories are in a doughnut, in a bottle of wkd or a big fat fry up, maybe i have conciously avoided them so that if i do eat them i can 'ignore' them as im not sure. Ima  funny old creature arent i! So what is my new obsession going to be? I think i can safely say that i have enough knickers to clothe the whole of africa, although im not sure they would like my style, a little african women in a pair of knickers with the honey monster on the front is not something we would normally see after all. So what shall my new obsession be? maybe i should work on my hammocks this time (sorry i meant bra's) but jesus do you know how hard it is to fit my jugs into a nice bra! I have to pretty much fold my nipple over 3 times, scoop my hand under and push them into the cups. this of course means i never have a 'nipple on' from the cold as my nipples are conviently hidden within my huge busoms. Plus i hard bras i mean how restrictive! they breathe a rather loud sigh of relief when they are finally released ar the evening and are free once again to keep my knees warm. So until more weight is lost bra's cannot be the new obsession. However bling is not so weightist.............................xx