some luck please

29/2/12
So last night was weigh day after a terrible week and me having come on a week early i was relieved to have just stayed the same, of course i was a little gutted too its only my second week after all but i am determined to have a good week this time. Thing is someone up there obviously as it in for me, knowing that i am an emotional eater the stress im under at the moment seems destined to have me running to chocolate, im trying my hardest to stay away after all look where chocolate got me last time, a big huge mess that hates the way i look in everything i wear. To be able to wear a pair of jeans that arent elasticated, to be confident enough to wear my red high heels again and not be ashamed of who i am would be lovely. But then i suppose so would winning the lottery, a good nights sleep and a cleaner. Last night i had no sleep, sam is poorly i know it isnt his fault, but ive just had to pay to get a car fixed, his birthday is sunday and i cant really afford to miss another day off work. Still when i signed up to have children i swore i would put them first, so today i am missing out on a days wages cause my baby needs me. However this week i have also realised i am quite a selfish person, i never thought i was before, but that was before my sexy weekend for my birthday came under threat, the funds just aint there and unless i get a miracle soon it will have to be cancelled. Im so upset about it, ive never had a holiday on my own and i was so looking forward to it, it was supposed to be my goal, my aim my one treat and i am seriously worried it just isnt going to happen. Then just to get my depressive self in an even more mess, the doctors have insisted i drop my antidepressants and the court have refused my divorce petition for the 3rd time. Is it too much to just want to be divorced? I want to be miss shore again not legally and married woman, of course money always comes into it and if i had the money to pay for it i could be divorced quick time, but no like everyone else in this country i am struggling on the edge just to keep me house. Sorry for a depressive post  but i have to get this out, cry all my tears and focus on the one thing i can do right now and thats lose some of this extra baggage i am carrying around xxx

These things are sent to try us :(

27/2/12
Ok now i am certain that i will have put on weight tuesday, it will be a miracle if i loose, cause things have gone terribly wrong. First of all i have come on, great nice and early and so so unwanted, then yesterday was the most stressful day of year so far. I had a busy day as usual what with having 3 kids and 2 stepchild over for the day it was always going to be busy. So Sam had a party 1-3, george had to go to his friends 2-6 and my stepchildren needed to be back at their mums over coventry at 6pm. So i took Sam to the party and left him there to get back and ferry george around, just as i was coming down the bypass my brakes went. I was scared and pissed off as i very carefully got my car back home, only to find that the brake pipe had wore away, so i no longer have a car. As if that wasnt bad enough, sam was stuck at the wacky and we had the stepkids to get back home. I completely fell apart, sobbing through the afternoon, things are really tough at the minute as it is, i cant afford to get the car fixed and im supposed to be at the doctors this afternoon. Thing is with me, i put on weight when i stress, its almost like my body just to get that one last kick while im down makes me hold on to every fat module i own when im stressing. I think i was the only bride in the world that put on weight before her wedding.Ive woke up this morning feeling like crap, tried worn out bloated and with red eyes, when am i going to get a break? I could just curl up in ball and hide from the world right now, so tomorrows weigh day will probably be a wash out, thats if i get there at all xxx

dieting on a saturday night

26/2/12
Got to say that last night was one of the worse Saturday nights i have had in a long time, Ive had a tough week, I'm due on and i didn't have any kids what i wanted was to have a few bottles of wkd, some sweets and a film, what i had instead was a tub of sugar free jelly, a bottle of water and a early night. For the first time last night since Christmas i really fancied a drink, i was all over the place and a little upset cause my bf  found out my weight. I know sounds stupid doesn't it, this is the man who practically knows everything about me, hes seen the labels in my clothes, Jesus Ive sat on him enough times for him to have a far idea of what a hippo i am, but one thing is sacred to me, and that is what i actually weigh. Until last night only myself and the consultant at my slimming club knew my weight, now my bf does. What do i think it will change? I don't know, but i am really upset about it, feeling down and of course embarrassed, being the kind of gal i am i always thought i could make myself look nice no matter what i weigh, but now i feel like he is just going to see these numbers every time he looks at me. To me weight is a very personal thing, (says the girl whose telling the world what a fatty i am) but those numbers represent so much to me, i feel stripped bear and now under so much more pressure to get the weight off. Add to the fact that i accidentally cheated in the week and i am feeling pretty low, how can i fail this early on? When is someone going to make it ok to be large and loved? xxx

help ive accidentally cheated :(

23/2/12
OK i am mightily p***ed off! after my successful week last week i was determined to carry on the good work, unfortunately my enthusiasm didn't take into account the fact that i am dumbass. Trying to be really good i decided this week i am going to drink lots of water, so because i am not that fond of water i bought some flavoured water. All great and it was going down a treat, then i ran out.....So i went to asda and got some more 1500ml later i just happened to read the label, that's when i saw that per 100ml there is 5g of carbs! Disaster how can one brand of water be so different nutritionally wise? Or am i just majorly thick? That means i have consumed units without even realising it, i am so annoyed with myself all that hard work and i am worried that i am going to ruin next weeks results when i desperatly want 2lb off, so i have a plan....From tomorrow till i get weighed on tuesday evening i am going to have no units at all! Its the only way i can think to get this mistake undone. So gutted! Please dont tell me ive ruined it all! :( xxx

feeling good!

22/2/12
So yesterday was my weigh day after the first week on my new diet, i was so nervous i went between thinking i had'nt lost to thinking i may have put on on! I have done so much cooking, used new vegetables and ate more than i ever could when i was calorie counting so to say i was scared was an understatement. So imagine my complete shock and joy when i lost 7lb! half a stone i could'nt believe it and i could'nt stop smiling, things like this dont happen to fatties like me. It was just the boost i needed and i've woke up this morning excited to be carrying on with the diet. Being a seasoned dieter i am aware of a few facts tho, 1) i will have to watch my weight for the rest of my life, 2) I wont lose that much next week and 3) its still going to take willpower. But i am so excited to have such a boost and such a good start, if i can loose 2lb a week from now on then i will reach my self set target of 3 stone by July. I'm 30 in July and that 3 stone off would be that i would be overweight not obese at the age of 30, and that is what i want. I have never felt so inspired in all my life. For now tho i have some little targets that i can achieve more quickly than my birthday to keep me going, the first is revenge on the work trousers mentioned in earlier posts, as you will remember they burst open on me just after christmas forcing me to get a bigger size. These have now been fixed and i am determined to wear them again, so when i get into them again that will be another goal reached. The second is to wear jeans again, i mean proper jeans not the elasticated fat jeans im wearing at the moment. You know what tho for the first time in about a year i feel that i will be able to do this xxx

a new week, a better week?

20/2/12
So today its monday, normally like the rest of the human race i gate mondays, today i am glad its monday. Cause boy i have had the weekend from hell, as you have probably guessed Sam as been a nightmare again, ive had shoes thrown at me, been punched, contents of my house thrown around and a 4 year old with a willpower of steel when it comes to going to bed. Add to the mix that its my weekend to have the stepchildren and my daughter decided to tell me she had to make a rainforest on friday , you get a very stressed, busy and full to the brim household. Sam kicking off was the last thing i needed. It got me to thinking when i get 'skinny' will i do another blog? the options are endless , 'life of a stepmother' or 'life being beaten by your 4 year old and the proffessionals wont listen'. So i guess you can kind of figure why monday came as a blessed relief. I am also nervous and excited about tuesday, tuesday being the results of the new diet i am trying. I cant wait to see the results, yet i am also nervous incase it isnt the result i want. What if i have been doing the diet wrong? What if i put on???? Im also nervous about being weighed in the evening, i normally weigh myself butt naked first thing in the morning after a wee and poo if im lucky. However being weighed of an evening means i will have been eating all day, i will be dressed and i know that my body weighs less in the morning, ive even considered not eating till after ive been weighed.... however for a foodie like me this just wouldnt be an option. God i hope ive found the answer this time, then my weight will be one less thing for me to worry about xxx

always a foodoholic

18/2/12
So im now on day 4 of my new diet and i have got to say i am loving it, i have never done so much cooking in all my life but the meals are amazing, i just hope it is working, ive never enjoyed a diet before so im worried that im not going to loose tuesday. I have double checked several times and it seems i am doing the diet correctly so tuesday will hold the answers- the proof is in the pudding as they say! The smoking however as not been going so well, im trying i really am but i have relasped a few times, although im smoking  alot less than i ever used too. For the first time i seem happy which as alot of you know as a long term depressive this is a major achievement! Im so hopeful now that maybe i can combat this once and for all, the fat stick woman as gone, but only to be replaced with a new one, cause ive decided my new target is 42 pounds, or 3 stones, hopefully by july. Now this will still make me a fatty but it will make me more chubby and less hippo. I will always be a foodoholic, i will always drool over cakes and chocolate and i will always have a fat arse cause thats just how im built, but i need to resist to think of the long term. It aint going to be easy especially as in 2 short weeks i have sams birthday cake, which means resisiting that but i finally feel back in the zone. And at the moment the zone feels good! xxx