im ready to give up

I know its been a while since i wrote my blog, but there is a reason for this. I am really struggling, go back to last week and i was so determined, so ready to face this, so happy with the direction i was heading. fast forward to this week and I'm a mess. I was really ill last week and i was certain i had got my stone, now i feel i may have put on. Last night i had a pizza and 2 glasses of wine. I am so disappointed in myself. After i finally recovered from my illness i felt so very down, everything was getting on top of me and I felt sore and bloated. No excuse i know but i am a depressive and I rely on my mood if that makes sense to get me through the days. Not getting my divorce as hit me hard and I have decided that tomorrow I am finally going to say why the divorce means so much to me. It is a very personal blog but i need you all to understand why i have fell apart so hard. This morning I feel down, how can i get so close and then risk it all? How can i recover now? I'm upset and ashamed to go on Tuesday and I am contemplating giving up for good. I am a greedy cow and I use food, I really needed something to feel better about myself and it worked for the first Friday in weeks I actually felt that i was celebrating getting through a week. I felt that i could relax and let myself have a laugh, this morning I am paying the price. Please help me I need some sort of detox anything to get me to Tuesday, if I fail now I will have let everyone down. xxx

trousers-1 me-1

12/2/12
Good morning! I'm a little happy for a Monday! I know I'm a psycho but I'm sure many of you will remember a blog from the beginning of January when i tried to put my work trousers on after Christmas and my belly burst through the zip breaking it. I was so upset as i went yet another size up. Well i kept the trousers and i fixed the zip, they sat on the side of my dressing table, staring at me, making me feel a mixture of disgust and determination. Today i got them back on!!!!! They are not particularly tight either, that ain't to say they are baggy but they are on and not in any danger of breaking, or if they do it will because of my dodgy fixing skills! I feel so happy, to get them trousers on is a big deal to me, they are still a few sizes bigger than i would like, but for once i am going back down the sizes not up them! So we are equal the trousers and i, they broke on me and made me realise what a fat hefalump i am, and now i am wearing them again. However I'm still not happy, cause i wanted to uneven the score, i want to get rid of them trousers because they are too big, for too long they have taunted me and now Ive had enough, so little goals is the way to go and here's mine. I want to get my 1 stone award and I'm hoping it will be this week, then i want my 1 and a half stone, then comes the next size down work trousers, 2 stone and wearing a proper pair of jeans- i have them upstairs ready and waiting, by real jeans i mean ones with zips and buttons not elasticated waists. These are my goals for now. I never ever want to have to write another blog where clothes have broke on me, i want to just get slimmer and more confident again, i want to wear my red high heels and scream look at me! xxxx

The skeletons under my bed

9/2/12
So here comes another blog when i am going to be mortified that i have shared all this with you, but im sticking by my promise to be honest. Honesty is what is going to change my mindset when it comes to food so bare with me and please don't judge. Yesterday i was looking for a dvd, after searching all the 'obvious' places i decided to move my bed just to check it wasn't under there. So I  moved my bed and was suddenly faced with my eating disorder in a nut shell....under my bed was a box of dairy milk, two picknmix tubs, sweet wrappers, ice cream tubs, cake wrappers and lolly sticks all empty of course, next to this pile of binge was a towel covered in smudged mascara. I can remember the day the towel got under the bed, i was eating a tub of ben and jerrys while crying my eyes out at what i had become, how tough life was at that moment, i would wipe my eyes and shove another mouthful of ice cream in, desperate to heal the pain i was feeling at that time, when i had an unexpected visitor and the towel got shoved under the bed. The shock of seeing the extent of my obsession with food shocked me, i honestly have no idea how much time that took to build up,  but if I'm honest it wasn't a long time. Many people have asked why i am doing this blog, and the mess under my bed is really why i am writing it, cause if it was bags of sick, or full bags of food people would get worried, they would cart me off to a doctors and i would get help, but this is the other eating disorder, this is using food as a weapon, to make yourself feel happy and then get the feelings of guilt and unworth afterwards. So why didn't i just stop buying the food and why hide it? The answer is pure and simple embarrassment. Who wants to admit that food to me is like a razor blade? That i can't live without my drug? But i cant admit it so i would not eat in public but then stuff it into my fat face when i was alone. I am happy to admit that nothing as been hidden under the bed since before Christmas, that's not to say that at times i have been severely tempted to eat like that again, but now i am trying to control myself, i still hate walking into a shop- the temptation is everywhere but now i am trying to re-educate myself. Just because i am a big girl does not mean i cant eat, i have to eat but now i have to eat the good things, the treats should be just that- occasional and within reason. Its a long hard road but seeing those skeletons under my bed as shocked me, so from now on if you come round to visit feel free to look under my bed cause the only thing you will find there now is dust xxxx

Who needs birthday cake?

7/3/12
Well i can completely over the moon! Last night i lost 6lb which so made everything i missed out on last week food wise so so worth it. I never expected 6lb it was behind my wildest dreams and i felt so good and so empowered that i am not succumbed like i normally would have done in a party situation. This week i can going to work extra hard yet again because i so want to loose more, if i can loose at least 1lb next week i get my stone award and i cannot describe how that makes me feel, i think only people that have ever had a weight problem can understand the hard work, determination and pride you get when that first stone comes off, its almost like a sign that you are honestly on your way to the person you want to be. At this moment it feels so achievable and i know i am still going to have hard weeks and things still aren't rosy in every part of my life but hey lets be honest i weigh 13 pound less than i did 3 weeks ago and it feels great. That two average size babies! It also means i am getting closer to getting the go ahead to be sterilized i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me to loose weight, its more than wanting to look sexy, its even more than wanting to be healthier its about being someone people dont judge, a mum that looks good for her kids, its about not getting upset every time i put an outfit on cause i look like a mountain wrapped in a tent., its about finally feeling im worth something. And if i could bottle that feeling i would be a millionaire xxxx

I deverse a weightloss this week!

Well if i do say so myself i have been so good all week that i will promptly burst into tears if i don't lose weight Tuesday night, i have been very very good and not only that but i have avoided 3 birthday cakes, i made all the food for Sam's party and didn't have any of it, in fact there is still some cake left on the side and i am not having any. I have lived like a saint all week. I have been down  but I'm hoping that i am now on the up, i am so focused on loosing my weight my now, it as become even more important to me as i cannot get sterilised until my bmi drops to 35. That is not to say that i haven't found it hard this week, i am a over eater, i am greedy and to be honest if a slug was covered in chocolate i would probably suck the chocolate off! But i made my own turkey burgers from scratch and i didn't put them in a batch, instead i had a lettuce leaf either side, hows that for dedication??? Can you even begin to understand how hard it was for me to stand by a buffet filled with cakes, doughnuts, muffins, cheese straws, sausage rolls and biscuits to keep my fat fingers away? Seriously if it wasn't for the fact that my chins wobbling every time i drooled i may have just pinched a little, but i figure i seriously need to change my way of thinking, if i can loose 3 stone by the time i reach 30 how great will i feel? and surely i will deserve a birthday cake of my own by then? As a one off mind before i get straight back on it.So please if there is anyone up there after the past month of hell you have made me endure at least make my abstinence from all my favourite foods this week have been worth it! Anything less than 2 pounds will be met by a stomping, fat jiggling, bingo wing flapping paddy xxxx

send willpower my way!

3/2/12
Firstly apologies that so many days have passed without a blog, my baby boy as been poorly most of the week and i have had very little sleep, on the times i was awake i was cleaning up sick and dealing with a broken washing machine. Anyway im glad to report that the diet is going really well this week, i have been very good despite being my time of the month so im hopeful that tuesday will be a loss, a loss i so despertly want! But i need you all to send me some willpower cause tomorrow is my baby boys birthday! Sam will be 5 and hes having a party, now im confident i will not pick at the buffet food but what worries me is avoiding his birthday cake! I am a big cake monster and i know its going to kill me not to have any but really do i want to spoil my dream of being thin, of being accepted and being able to wear my red heels with pride over a piece of cake? I know i dont really need any and i know that there will be other birthday cakes but being the greedy over eater that i am it is going to be hard to resist. So i need some willpower sending my way cause while my whole world is falling apart around me at the moment the one thing i can control is my weight and i will not be one of those women that are stuck in their beds unable to have a life xxx

some luck please

29/2/12
So last night was weigh day after a terrible week and me having come on a week early i was relieved to have just stayed the same, of course i was a little gutted too its only my second week after all but i am determined to have a good week this time. Thing is someone up there obviously as it in for me, knowing that i am an emotional eater the stress im under at the moment seems destined to have me running to chocolate, im trying my hardest to stay away after all look where chocolate got me last time, a big huge mess that hates the way i look in everything i wear. To be able to wear a pair of jeans that arent elasticated, to be confident enough to wear my red high heels again and not be ashamed of who i am would be lovely. But then i suppose so would winning the lottery, a good nights sleep and a cleaner. Last night i had no sleep, sam is poorly i know it isnt his fault, but ive just had to pay to get a car fixed, his birthday is sunday and i cant really afford to miss another day off work. Still when i signed up to have children i swore i would put them first, so today i am missing out on a days wages cause my baby needs me. However this week i have also realised i am quite a selfish person, i never thought i was before, but that was before my sexy weekend for my birthday came under threat, the funds just aint there and unless i get a miracle soon it will have to be cancelled. Im so upset about it, ive never had a holiday on my own and i was so looking forward to it, it was supposed to be my goal, my aim my one treat and i am seriously worried it just isnt going to happen. Then just to get my depressive self in an even more mess, the doctors have insisted i drop my antidepressants and the court have refused my divorce petition for the 3rd time. Is it too much to just want to be divorced? I want to be miss shore again not legally and married woman, of course money always comes into it and if i had the money to pay for it i could be divorced quick time, but no like everyone else in this country i am struggling on the edge just to keep me house. Sorry for a depressive post  but i have to get this out, cry all my tears and focus on the one thing i can do right now and thats lose some of this extra baggage i am carrying around xxx