some luck please

29/2/12
So last night was weigh day after a terrible week and me having come on a week early i was relieved to have just stayed the same, of course i was a little gutted too its only my second week after all but i am determined to have a good week this time. Thing is someone up there obviously as it in for me, knowing that i am an emotional eater the stress im under at the moment seems destined to have me running to chocolate, im trying my hardest to stay away after all look where chocolate got me last time, a big huge mess that hates the way i look in everything i wear. To be able to wear a pair of jeans that arent elasticated, to be confident enough to wear my red high heels again and not be ashamed of who i am would be lovely. But then i suppose so would winning the lottery, a good nights sleep and a cleaner. Last night i had no sleep, sam is poorly i know it isnt his fault, but ive just had to pay to get a car fixed, his birthday is sunday and i cant really afford to miss another day off work. Still when i signed up to have children i swore i would put them first, so today i am missing out on a days wages cause my baby needs me. However this week i have also realised i am quite a selfish person, i never thought i was before, but that was before my sexy weekend for my birthday came under threat, the funds just aint there and unless i get a miracle soon it will have to be cancelled. Im so upset about it, ive never had a holiday on my own and i was so looking forward to it, it was supposed to be my goal, my aim my one treat and i am seriously worried it just isnt going to happen. Then just to get my depressive self in an even more mess, the doctors have insisted i drop my antidepressants and the court have refused my divorce petition for the 3rd time. Is it too much to just want to be divorced? I want to be miss shore again not legally and married woman, of course money always comes into it and if i had the money to pay for it i could be divorced quick time, but no like everyone else in this country i am struggling on the edge just to keep me house. Sorry for a depressive post  but i have to get this out, cry all my tears and focus on the one thing i can do right now and thats lose some of this extra baggage i am carrying around xxx

These things are sent to try us :(

27/2/12
Ok now i am certain that i will have put on weight tuesday, it will be a miracle if i loose, cause things have gone terribly wrong. First of all i have come on, great nice and early and so so unwanted, then yesterday was the most stressful day of year so far. I had a busy day as usual what with having 3 kids and 2 stepchild over for the day it was always going to be busy. So Sam had a party 1-3, george had to go to his friends 2-6 and my stepchildren needed to be back at their mums over coventry at 6pm. So i took Sam to the party and left him there to get back and ferry george around, just as i was coming down the bypass my brakes went. I was scared and pissed off as i very carefully got my car back home, only to find that the brake pipe had wore away, so i no longer have a car. As if that wasnt bad enough, sam was stuck at the wacky and we had the stepkids to get back home. I completely fell apart, sobbing through the afternoon, things are really tough at the minute as it is, i cant afford to get the car fixed and im supposed to be at the doctors this afternoon. Thing is with me, i put on weight when i stress, its almost like my body just to get that one last kick while im down makes me hold on to every fat module i own when im stressing. I think i was the only bride in the world that put on weight before her wedding.Ive woke up this morning feeling like crap, tried worn out bloated and with red eyes, when am i going to get a break? I could just curl up in ball and hide from the world right now, so tomorrows weigh day will probably be a wash out, thats if i get there at all xxx

dieting on a saturday night

26/2/12
Got to say that last night was one of the worse Saturday nights i have had in a long time, Ive had a tough week, I'm due on and i didn't have any kids what i wanted was to have a few bottles of wkd, some sweets and a film, what i had instead was a tub of sugar free jelly, a bottle of water and a early night. For the first time last night since Christmas i really fancied a drink, i was all over the place and a little upset cause my bf  found out my weight. I know sounds stupid doesn't it, this is the man who practically knows everything about me, hes seen the labels in my clothes, Jesus Ive sat on him enough times for him to have a far idea of what a hippo i am, but one thing is sacred to me, and that is what i actually weigh. Until last night only myself and the consultant at my slimming club knew my weight, now my bf does. What do i think it will change? I don't know, but i am really upset about it, feeling down and of course embarrassed, being the kind of gal i am i always thought i could make myself look nice no matter what i weigh, but now i feel like he is just going to see these numbers every time he looks at me. To me weight is a very personal thing, (says the girl whose telling the world what a fatty i am) but those numbers represent so much to me, i feel stripped bear and now under so much more pressure to get the weight off. Add to the fact that i accidentally cheated in the week and i am feeling pretty low, how can i fail this early on? When is someone going to make it ok to be large and loved? xxx

help ive accidentally cheated :(

23/2/12
OK i am mightily p***ed off! after my successful week last week i was determined to carry on the good work, unfortunately my enthusiasm didn't take into account the fact that i am dumbass. Trying to be really good i decided this week i am going to drink lots of water, so because i am not that fond of water i bought some flavoured water. All great and it was going down a treat, then i ran out.....So i went to asda and got some more 1500ml later i just happened to read the label, that's when i saw that per 100ml there is 5g of carbs! Disaster how can one brand of water be so different nutritionally wise? Or am i just majorly thick? That means i have consumed units without even realising it, i am so annoyed with myself all that hard work and i am worried that i am going to ruin next weeks results when i desperatly want 2lb off, so i have a plan....From tomorrow till i get weighed on tuesday evening i am going to have no units at all! Its the only way i can think to get this mistake undone. So gutted! Please dont tell me ive ruined it all! :( xxx

feeling good!

22/2/12
So yesterday was my weigh day after the first week on my new diet, i was so nervous i went between thinking i had'nt lost to thinking i may have put on on! I have done so much cooking, used new vegetables and ate more than i ever could when i was calorie counting so to say i was scared was an understatement. So imagine my complete shock and joy when i lost 7lb! half a stone i could'nt believe it and i could'nt stop smiling, things like this dont happen to fatties like me. It was just the boost i needed and i've woke up this morning excited to be carrying on with the diet. Being a seasoned dieter i am aware of a few facts tho, 1) i will have to watch my weight for the rest of my life, 2) I wont lose that much next week and 3) its still going to take willpower. But i am so excited to have such a boost and such a good start, if i can loose 2lb a week from now on then i will reach my self set target of 3 stone by July. I'm 30 in July and that 3 stone off would be that i would be overweight not obese at the age of 30, and that is what i want. I have never felt so inspired in all my life. For now tho i have some little targets that i can achieve more quickly than my birthday to keep me going, the first is revenge on the work trousers mentioned in earlier posts, as you will remember they burst open on me just after christmas forcing me to get a bigger size. These have now been fixed and i am determined to wear them again, so when i get into them again that will be another goal reached. The second is to wear jeans again, i mean proper jeans not the elasticated fat jeans im wearing at the moment. You know what tho for the first time in about a year i feel that i will be able to do this xxx

a new week, a better week?

20/2/12
So today its monday, normally like the rest of the human race i gate mondays, today i am glad its monday. Cause boy i have had the weekend from hell, as you have probably guessed Sam as been a nightmare again, ive had shoes thrown at me, been punched, contents of my house thrown around and a 4 year old with a willpower of steel when it comes to going to bed. Add to the mix that its my weekend to have the stepchildren and my daughter decided to tell me she had to make a rainforest on friday , you get a very stressed, busy and full to the brim household. Sam kicking off was the last thing i needed. It got me to thinking when i get 'skinny' will i do another blog? the options are endless , 'life of a stepmother' or 'life being beaten by your 4 year old and the proffessionals wont listen'. So i guess you can kind of figure why monday came as a blessed relief. I am also nervous and excited about tuesday, tuesday being the results of the new diet i am trying. I cant wait to see the results, yet i am also nervous incase it isnt the result i want. What if i have been doing the diet wrong? What if i put on???? Im also nervous about being weighed in the evening, i normally weigh myself butt naked first thing in the morning after a wee and poo if im lucky. However being weighed of an evening means i will have been eating all day, i will be dressed and i know that my body weighs less in the morning, ive even considered not eating till after ive been weighed.... however for a foodie like me this just wouldnt be an option. God i hope ive found the answer this time, then my weight will be one less thing for me to worry about xxx

always a foodoholic

18/2/12
So im now on day 4 of my new diet and i have got to say i am loving it, i have never done so much cooking in all my life but the meals are amazing, i just hope it is working, ive never enjoyed a diet before so im worried that im not going to loose tuesday. I have double checked several times and it seems i am doing the diet correctly so tuesday will hold the answers- the proof is in the pudding as they say! The smoking however as not been going so well, im trying i really am but i have relasped a few times, although im smoking  alot less than i ever used too. For the first time i seem happy which as alot of you know as a long term depressive this is a major achievement! Im so hopeful now that maybe i can combat this once and for all, the fat stick woman as gone, but only to be replaced with a new one, cause ive decided my new target is 42 pounds, or 3 stones, hopefully by july. Now this will still make me a fatty but it will make me more chubby and less hippo. I will always be a foodoholic, i will always drool over cakes and chocolate and i will always have a fat arse cause thats just how im built, but i need to resist to think of the long term. It aint going to be easy especially as in 2 short weeks i have sams birthday cake, which means resisiting that but i finally feel back in the zone. And at the moment the zone feels good! xxx

Weetabix, weetabix win win win!

15/2/12
So last night was my first night at weightcare and i was so nervous, but i have got to say what a nice group of ladies, it was relaxed informative and very inspiring, i left feeling that i can do this! I knew i was going to weigh more than i did on friday, cause i have been very up and down and i was also fully dressed and it was the end of the day, but the results werent as bad as i feared. However i have decided to scrap my fat stick woman and do a fresh one, this time i will have more segments to fill in, my aim is too loose 3 stone by my 30th in july, so therefore i will now have 42 pounds to loose, i know i can do it! I just need to get my head round the diet a little, so today is going to be a little iffy and i am going to be consulting my book like a bible, having only 10 minutes to eat a lunch at work will be difficult so thats going to take some forward thinking, however after work i am going shopping and i am going to be trying some of the recipes on there, but i forgot to mention i am a hopeless cook so maybe this will improve my kitchen prowess too!However i do have one confession to make this morning............I have had a fag! Im gutted been doing so well but yesterday my charming son broke the charger on my fake fag and im in full panic mode! I dont think i can do it without them and i certainly cant afford a pack of fags so im stressing a little this morning, add to the fact that yet again i had zero sleep last night and it doesnt make a very strong bunny! I feel i am letting everyone down and im already worrying about where my next fix is going to come from, so today is mission day! Mission fag charger, mission shopping and mission cooking! It could be a long day.............................xxxx

today is a fresh start

14/2/12
Apologies for the lack of blogs over the past few days, i have been finding things really tough, since i have been forced to quit smoking, i have been so tearful and believe it or not physically ill! The headaches have been banging and i havent been that great on my diet, i admit when things have got tough and i have tears and snot running down my face i have succumbed to a few bad foods for the comfort value. Today however is a new start for me, i am starting weightcare tonight and while i am very nervous i am also a little excited at maybe finding a diet that works, i am hoping the need for a fag will gradually decrease as well and i can finally get my weight back under control. I know when i get weighed tonight i will be heavier than i was friday and i know i will be embaressed but i also know i need to do this, i have some great support going with me so im hopeful that a kick up the arse will be there when i need it! Wish me luck guys i need it now more than ever xxx

the decision is made

11/2/12
So yesterday i decided i had to join a slimming club, and i have decided that this time its going to be weightcare, there are many reasons ive decided on this one, mainly because it is the only one i havent tried before! Sure they all work but the minute you go off 'plan' the weight goes back on big time, but the other reason is a family member of mine as done this diet and is a huge success story, and i know she will be there to help me come to terms with it. So as from tuesday that will be my new weigh in day and i will write my blog on a tuesday evening from now on instead of in the morning. Im very nervous about it but i feel i need a kick, i am struggling to understand why the diet i am currently on worked so well for me last time and this time its like pulling teeth! Im so nervous about it, its one of those moments that every girl faces i suppose, will i be the biggest one there? will the scales be big enough to weigh me? And lets not forget that i cant strip off there so i am going to have to look scratty and wear the exact same outfit every week so that i know that the clothes weigh exactly the same!
I am also on day 3 of not smoking, i have one of those electronic fags and to be honest it is helping but im still finding it hard, everytime i put the kettle on or go into the itchen full stop i want to light up. Some people have said that i shouldnt try to do both things at once but unfortunatly the time as come when i simply can not afford to smoke, so the choice as been made for me and i couldnt give up the diet cause i know that by the time i have quit the fags i would be the size of a very generous semi detached. I tell you my will power is certainly being tested right now, but there are worse things in the world and i am trying to remember this, i dont want to be bitter i want to be smiley julie, but i also want to be skinny julie, fag free julie........the list goes on xxxx

Back to the drawing board

10/2/12
Ok so the results are in and to be honest im a little bit gutted, i have lost this week thankgod, but ive only lost what i put on last week! So thats no more parts i can colour in, no where near on track for my target now and i can just head butt the wall in frustration! This week, i havent touched my nieces birthday cake, i havent cheated in anyway, i have cut down on my daily calories everyday and i have been doing half an our on the step every other evening, so why have i lost so little? I used to constantly loose weight last time, last time it didnt feel like such a chore. So ive decided that i am going to have to go to a slimming club, i really didnt want too as to be honest i havent got the money. I know its only a fiver a week but i honestly dont have that. After a christmas with 5 kids to buy for i still havent scrapped back the money from then. Add that to my shopping bill, my mortgage etc and my wages just dont cover it. That was why i decided to go it alone, however this week i have also made a monumental decision, i am quitting smoking. Once ages ago i tried to quit and ended up eating a whole loaf of bread before ten thirty in the morning! So this time i have one of those fake cigarettes, its only day two but we will see how i go, if i can quit smoking then im going to have a bash at a slimming club, feeling such a failure today xxx

nearly truth time again!

9/2/12
So another tough week is almost over, after i put on weight last week i need at least 3lb to have claimed myself back and be on the right track again, i have been super extra doubly good this week, do i feel like i have lost? maybe a little but not alot, still tomorrow morning will be the day when i either do a dance or sob into my pillow. I have been so good this week that i have not even had a piece of my nieces 18th birthday cake! I would like to say i was super strong and didnt want it, but i took the wimps way out and gave it to the kids to keep the temptation away. I have also twice this week been forced to go into shops and see the kitkat chunkys staring at me, the fact that i am majorally skint as added to the fact i walked back out the shop without any chocolate! Every cloud as asilver lining right? Today is also my lovely boyfriends birthday, normally i would make him a cake, but this year i am being a terrible girlfriend and i havent cause i like to lick the bowl too much! Gawd some people just never grow up do they! We also will not be going out for lunch or i wont be joining him for a drink this evening! I might as well be a nun! Still im making it up to him by taking him shopping for fishing gear so i guess he isnt too bothered about a cake, the kids will be gutted tho! Im fact after a tough tearful start to the week im feeling very strong so that bloody black thing on my bedroom floor that flashes far too many numbers at me, better bloody be kind tomorrow or its going to take a battering!
Thanks once again for the support and keep sharing with your friends for me please, the support really does keep me going, and please please please keep legs, fingers toes crossed for me tomorrow! You will be the first to know the results xxx

Im a chicken too!

7/2/12
So yesterday i decided i really needed to do some more exercise, there is only one exercise i actually enjoy is swimming, i used to go with my friend but now i go to work everyday and then have to get the kids straight from school so i had to stop that. So last night i set my alarm early cause on a monday night the kids stay overnight with their dad. The aim was to go swimming as soon as it opened at 7am giving me an hour to swim then back home in time for a cuppa before work. However this morning when my alarm went off and i got up, i suddenly felt very panicky, this would be the first time ever that i would be going alone, then i was worried that it would be packed with slim, very fit people trying to get a very fast 60 lengths in before work and i would slow them all down. What if it was packed and everyone looked at me? Suddenly i just couldnt face it, i dont feel good enough to be able to go. So i chickened out, how can the girl that seems so confident to everyone else but scared to go to her local swimming pool and try her god damn hardest to shift some of her blubber. This confidence thing really needs to be worked on, it is now too late to get a swim in before work and i have lost my only chance this week, im a bit annoyed with myself, friday is creeping ever closer and im still feeling like a hippo in a tutu. so there is obviously only one answer.....I need to win the lottery and build myself a private swimming pool where i can set my blubber free xxx

even the jolly fat girls get sad

6/2/12
Yesterday was a tough day, ive been feeling a little tender since i gained weight on friday, i know its only weight and i will get it off eventually but that 1 and a half pounds as really played on my mind. Everything i have wore feels tighter, looks worse and generally isnt doing the job of making me feel fab. As far as my mind is concerned it may have well as been 1 stone. This is where i feel that i have real problems, i have a lot of friends that are on diets (funny how they are all women) and they seem to be able to just chalk it up to experience put it behind them and forget about it knowing they are going to get it off next week. Me i cant do this, i feel like i have let everyone down, i feel like i cant do nothing right and im feel very self conscious, my boyfriend as even threatened to throw the scales in the bin as i have been so upset. Why cant i just carry on? Just accept that my body will change? Because it reminds me so terribly of the last time i put on weight after i had lost the weight. After reaching a 'acceptable' weight last time i was relaxing alittle and generally getting on with my life. I noticed i had put on 3lbs, and do you know what i did? NOTHING! I wasnt bothered, it was 3lb and i had lost so much what was 3lb right? WRONG I got lazy and didnt bother i should have tackled that 3lb head on- but i didnt, fast forward a year and look at the fat mess i am now. So you see i have to bother about this 1lb and a half, my 8lb loss turned to 6 and a half pound and i realised that i cant have a hiccup, i can never let myself breathe for a bit, i will always have to be on a diet for the rest of my life, cause i am a fatty, a greedy one at that and it hurts to know that i can run round all week after everyone else and still fail myself, the cakes will never be mine and i certainly cant eat all the pies xxx

jeans and genes!

I think recently i have been focusing too much on the major reasons i want to loose weight, health, beauty, acceptance- yeah bore off Julie. So lets focus on the little reasons i want to loose weight, things i can still do as a hippo just not as successfully. One of them is jeans, ah good old fashioned denim- in other words a nightmare in blue ( and for once i am not talking about my work uniform). I have at this present moment in time 3 pairs of jeans in my wardrobe, none of them fit me and they have all been wore before, these are my most comfortable jeans i have ever owned. Problem is they dont fit me anymore and i am sick to death of wearing leggings- extremely comfortable i admit, but im not sure even my leggings could stretch over my thighs anymore. Then there is the good old elasticated trousers, again comfortable but not very slimming or attractive, no matter how many tops i pair with them! I just want to get back into those jeans, they are all different sizes so one at a time! I know i could buy a bigger pair, i know that evans do loads of jeans but i dont want them jeans, i want my jeans! At this point i am pouting and stamping my feet. You see to me these jeans symbolise being able to go into a shop and not care what the pattern is ( remember stripes make you look like a pregnant zebra, or the colour ( black always flatterns right?) I want to say im feeling happy today and i want to dress in bright yellow without looking like a tent at glastonbury! Seriously looking at my wardrobe at the moment people must think that i am in permanent mourning! I want to show my personality on the outside, i want to walk up to complete strangers and say see these jeans? They didnt fit my last week, but obviously i would also like to be able to breathe when i am wearing the jeans not just be able to get them on. Fat girl fainting is not a good look guys xxx

Im a hippo

3/2/12
Ok its official, i am a big fat pink hippo, i have two many folds of skin to count, my face is big and i probably have the same amount of teeth as a hippo, as youve probably guessed weigh day did not go well.....I put on 1 and a half pound, how can i put on? how can i put on such a huge amount as well? Im gutted i could quite literally cry, i havent done anything wrong! I have been so strict, i have been a slave to my diet, i even ate frozen meat on my sandwiches, cause the fridge was playing up and the only alternative i had was chocolate spread. This is the point in my diet when i usually think stuff it, and trust me the way im feeling today im very tempted to buy and eat every bloody type of kitkat chunkys there are! What am i going to do? What have i done wrong? and what the hell can i do to increase my chances next week, cause you see next week as just got even more important now, to stay on track with my weightloss i have not only got to loose what i have gained but also loose extra, so i dont go on my romantic birthday break as a whale that got washed up on the beach! Am i always going to be fat? It certainly feels that way to me now, only yesterday someone reminded me that they could tell i had put on weight, its nice being told that! Im fed up, really truely fed up, fed up to the point of im considering a week of laxatives and hoping to god i pick up a sickness bug. Im now two weeks behind and trust me it sucks xxx

The kiss of death?

2/2/12
Ok we are into month 2 of my diet! Can you believe that i have not eaten a doughnut or a kitkat chunky in 2 months? jesus times are tough! So tomorrow is weigh day yet again and secretly im hoping for 2lb weight loss, but heres the thing! I think i may have given myself the kiss of death. All week i have felt thinner, this is the first time i feel like i have actually lost some weight and was quite looking forward to the numbers of doom, this morning however i have woke up feeling like a hippo in a tutu, i feel huge! Sorry that should read HUGE!! I dont feel like i have lost any weight at all, and now i am panicking ever so slightly, obviously i went out last saturday night but i have been so good since and i felt like i had cleansed that out of my body pretty quick, this morning i feel like i have been to a all you can eat buffet and put on zillions and zillions of pounds! Its too early in the 'game' to not be loosing now, i am still officially dead on the good old bmi calculator and all my bellies will still not fit in my enormous pants. I have never wanted too loose so badly in all my life, 2lb would be just fabulous and really keep me on track for my target, but am i going to do it? As its the day before weigh day that i have decided to feel like hippo i guess its all in the hands of the gods now, i do hope he realises tho that by not partaking in the Kitkat chunky challenge i am really giving this a 110%! Keep everything crossed guys cause this hippo wants to be a smaller hippo this time tomorrow! xx