31/1/12
Remember that programme from years ago beadles about? well yesterday i thought i might have possibly been in it and then i realised beadle is dead and actually i just have a weird life. So i finished work and went straight down to the solicitors i have a deadline to get some paperwork in for my divorce and thanks to a mixture of lloyds tsb and royal mail, my paperwork took over a week to bloody come leaving me 2 days to get them to the solicitor and into the court! So anyway i rushed into the solicitors and am just walking back when i decide to look in a curtain shop, as im perusing the lovel purple curtains i have my eye on, i see two teenage girls, they cant have been more than 20 stood outside the shop looking at me. Wondering if i have a stray piece of food on my lip or something i look away only to hear one of them say ' it is her, its the one that writes about eating too much'. So i turned round and smiled. Now its great to be regonized but when i was a little girl in ruby slippers i was dreaming of stardom not being regonized for filling my fat face!
Still in shock i decide to nip to the asda to get some more bits (diet of course) when as soon as i have got in the foyer this woman of about 40 comes up to me, tears streaming down her face, shaking like a leaf saying can you help me my husband cant understand me- to which she hands me her phone! So im guessing she is stressed about something and in her tearful state she cant make herself understood. So on the phone to someone else husband i explain who i am and that she is really quite upset could he perhaps come and get her? |To which he said ' oh shes just having a panic attack tell her to get a grip and get the bloody shopping' then he put the phone down! Now what am i supposed to do really? So i tell her to calm down go outside and take a few deep breaths, later i learnt i should have told her to take slow breathes so now im worrying i probably made her pass out and a ambulance was called and she never did get the 'bloody shopping'.
I tell you one thing tho it certainly took my mind off eating!!!! xxx
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Lets all fight to exercise!
30/1/12
So the alarm went off at 6 for me and Eloise to go jogging, however she took one look outside and said can we exercise on the wii instead? To be honest being the big fat wimp i am I was very quick to agree. It is freezing outside and trust me when your warming your nipples back up they bloody hurt! So we set ourselves up to do a 10 minute jog (on the spot obviously). Then Sam appears round the door and of course he wants to join in also, now personally i cant see the problem with this, but Eloise is not impressed and the morning turns into a 'its my turn' , 'no not that one', 'its my turn for the pad' . jeez im only trying to get some exercise in, now i did 10 minutes on the spot and for some reason i can manage this but if it was outside i doubt i could manage 3 minutes, how does that work? Well anyway i got sweaty didnt i, isnt that what its all about? Thing is im starting to get unhappy again, i mean ive lost 8lb even i am impressed by my progress so far but why am i now looking at my body more and becoming uncreasingly unhappy? I swear the mirror seems to be getting my body bigger not smaller. why does how mind work like this? Im beginging to wonder where exactly this 8lb as come from. My chin is still keeping my neck warm, my bingo wings are still getting trapped in my bra and my stomachs still sit on my lap like 3 cats curling up for a cuddle. At what point do i start seeing bones?
Guess i should just add inpatient to my list of faults along with, chocoholic, depressive, talkative, excitable, greedy.........xxx
So the alarm went off at 6 for me and Eloise to go jogging, however she took one look outside and said can we exercise on the wii instead? To be honest being the big fat wimp i am I was very quick to agree. It is freezing outside and trust me when your warming your nipples back up they bloody hurt! So we set ourselves up to do a 10 minute jog (on the spot obviously). Then Sam appears round the door and of course he wants to join in also, now personally i cant see the problem with this, but Eloise is not impressed and the morning turns into a 'its my turn' , 'no not that one', 'its my turn for the pad' . jeez im only trying to get some exercise in, now i did 10 minutes on the spot and for some reason i can manage this but if it was outside i doubt i could manage 3 minutes, how does that work? Well anyway i got sweaty didnt i, isnt that what its all about? Thing is im starting to get unhappy again, i mean ive lost 8lb even i am impressed by my progress so far but why am i now looking at my body more and becoming uncreasingly unhappy? I swear the mirror seems to be getting my body bigger not smaller. why does how mind work like this? Im beginging to wonder where exactly this 8lb as come from. My chin is still keeping my neck warm, my bingo wings are still getting trapped in my bra and my stomachs still sit on my lap like 3 cats curling up for a cuddle. At what point do i start seeing bones?
Guess i should just add inpatient to my list of faults along with, chocoholic, depressive, talkative, excitable, greedy.........xxx
Back to reality
29/1/12
So last night i went out for a suprise for my niece who is soon to 18, i had a back massage which was lovely and i swear it took the woman twice as long because of my fat but i kept hoping she was moving some of it up to my boobs and not round my legs! It also included a 3 course meal, with lots of bread, pastry and chocolate, I ate it all up and thought i would be in heaven but to be honest i felt so bloated and uncomfortable afterwards i didnt know where to put myself and i drank less than i thought i would, so hey every cloud as a silver lining! This morning i have woke up determined to work off those cheats yesterday and im trying to figure out how to do it, it looks so cold and icy outside and im wondering if we will get the snow they keep on about, i can still only manage to jog to 3 lamposts before i have to stop and walk and i must admit the weather is making me wonder whether i will even make it to the 4th lampost, im such a wimp!
last night tho i realised even more what an addict i am to chocolate! With the after dinner coffee we had a plate of roses chocolates to share and as everyone started asking which chocolate were which i proudly named every variety on the plate with a description! Now i thought this was normal! I thought everyone knew which chocolates were which in every tin without the use of he little 'menu'. By the looks of suprise i would guess not! So there it is official chocolate is my demon, my heroin and a very well educated demon at that! I suddenly realised this is what my life as become, if i was to ever go on mastermind then chocolate would certainly be my specialised subject and you know my fat arse would win it! So my aim for this week, while being extremly dedicated to my diet is to research carrots then maybe just maybe my body will think i love them as much as caramel kegs....mmmm caramel kegs...... xxx
So last night i went out for a suprise for my niece who is soon to 18, i had a back massage which was lovely and i swear it took the woman twice as long because of my fat but i kept hoping she was moving some of it up to my boobs and not round my legs! It also included a 3 course meal, with lots of bread, pastry and chocolate, I ate it all up and thought i would be in heaven but to be honest i felt so bloated and uncomfortable afterwards i didnt know where to put myself and i drank less than i thought i would, so hey every cloud as a silver lining! This morning i have woke up determined to work off those cheats yesterday and im trying to figure out how to do it, it looks so cold and icy outside and im wondering if we will get the snow they keep on about, i can still only manage to jog to 3 lamposts before i have to stop and walk and i must admit the weather is making me wonder whether i will even make it to the 4th lampost, im such a wimp!
last night tho i realised even more what an addict i am to chocolate! With the after dinner coffee we had a plate of roses chocolates to share and as everyone started asking which chocolate were which i proudly named every variety on the plate with a description! Now i thought this was normal! I thought everyone knew which chocolates were which in every tin without the use of he little 'menu'. By the looks of suprise i would guess not! So there it is official chocolate is my demon, my heroin and a very well educated demon at that! I suddenly realised this is what my life as become, if i was to ever go on mastermind then chocolate would certainly be my specialised subject and you know my fat arse would win it! So my aim for this week, while being extremly dedicated to my diet is to research carrots then maybe just maybe my body will think i love them as much as caramel kegs....mmmm caramel kegs...... xxx
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Ive faced the scales once again
27/1/12
Ok so after the week from hell, it was time to weigh myself again this morning! I was so nervous cause although i cheated friday when i had my teeth out as i confessed, i was as good as gold the rest of the week, even going jogging. So as i stripped off and stood on the scales with my eyes tightly shut i was dreading it! However i am pleased to report that i lost 2 and a half pound! whoop whoop! Taking my total to 8lb since i stared my fat stick woman! So thats 31lb to go for my self set target! Im absolutly thrilled, i could have done a little dance if it wasnt so dark and cold and well stupid! I feel full of hope once more that i can do it again, that i can go away for my 30th and not hide from the camera, that maybe just maybe i can get the red heels out again, start to wear some nice underwear and not have to buy hammocks for my boobs.
Yesterday i finally threw out my size 24s as well. I was keeping them just incase i got bigger and bigger and needed them once more, but like chocolate cake they just kept looking at me, and i was fed up. I refuse to go back up to a size 24 so they went in the bin, now i have to carry on loosing weight cause to be honest im so skint i cant afford any new clothes, and walking round naked was not on my plans for this year. Maybe just maybe this year is going to be my year xx
Ok so after the week from hell, it was time to weigh myself again this morning! I was so nervous cause although i cheated friday when i had my teeth out as i confessed, i was as good as gold the rest of the week, even going jogging. So as i stripped off and stood on the scales with my eyes tightly shut i was dreading it! However i am pleased to report that i lost 2 and a half pound! whoop whoop! Taking my total to 8lb since i stared my fat stick woman! So thats 31lb to go for my self set target! Im absolutly thrilled, i could have done a little dance if it wasnt so dark and cold and well stupid! I feel full of hope once more that i can do it again, that i can go away for my 30th and not hide from the camera, that maybe just maybe i can get the red heels out again, start to wear some nice underwear and not have to buy hammocks for my boobs.
Yesterday i finally threw out my size 24s as well. I was keeping them just incase i got bigger and bigger and needed them once more, but like chocolate cake they just kept looking at me, and i was fed up. I refuse to go back up to a size 24 so they went in the bin, now i have to carry on loosing weight cause to be honest im so skint i cant afford any new clothes, and walking round naked was not on my plans for this year. Maybe just maybe this year is going to be my year xx
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Me and my body- a bad romance
25/1/12
Ok so yet again i have woke up in pain, my tooth is still hurting, my throat is sore and im generally feeling a little down. It got me thinking about my body and what he represents to me, some people see their bodies as a mean fighting machine, a vessel for a healthy soul, body and mind. Me? We have a turbulant relationship. In some ways i feel my body as let me down, and i know that alot of it is my own fault, in other ways im proud of all it as been through. Now i am going to give you prior warning here that you may not want to read this if you dont like gruesome things, or are a little squeamish, but again i promised to be honest and in a weird 'julie' way i do think this as something to do with why i treat my body the way i do.
Why am i proud of my body? Well it generally does what it is supposed to do, it looks female even tho im fat, im very proud of my huge rack and it as given birth naturally to 3 gorgeous healthy children, it procreates, it pumps blood and it keeps me alive. In a way tho by being this good to me my body as took a battering and is now not performing perhaps the way it should, is this my fault? Or is it just that it cant take anymore? Let me explain...............
As i have touched on before, Sam was a turbulant pregnancy and birth but what i havent expressed is how this as effected me long term. When i was 12 weeks pregnant my waters broke, the prognosis was grim, the most possible outcome being that he just wouldnt survive, i held onto him until 28 weeks and all that time i willed my body to protect him, and it worked Sam was born tiny but strong and at that moment i couldnt have cared less if i was fat, my body had protected my son and fought to work, unfortunatly the story doesnt end there...........From 19 weeks onwards Sam was kicking my placenta, it was literally falling apart inside me, by the time i gave birth to Sam it was a broken mess. I was very poorly during the labour i could feel myself going, and the doctors were obviously also aware of the urgency. The minute Sam was born they realised they didnt have time to get me to theatre to remove the placenta. While awake the doctor had to manually remove my placenta...now trying to be as non graphic as possible, this meant using his hand to pull the broken pieces out. My insides are now a scarred mess, i dont blame the doctor he did what he had too and as horrific as the memories are i would do it all over again. The problem is that since Sams birth I have pretty much been on my period constantly, i will have a few 'normal' months but then i will bleed for weeks sometimes months non stop. This is when i get really down, try being on your period all the time! The cramps, the tears and just wanting to stick as many snickers in your mouth as possible. It is also the physical side of things tho, i started going swimming, i was really enjoying it and i could feel myself getting toned up, i now havent been for months because i cant. So what now? Well i need to get past this reward/punishment of my body and just accept it. Its an awful thing to wish for but im hoping one day soon the doctors will agree to give me an hysterectomy or something anything! Im sorry todays blog is all serious but i just want to get accross that sometimes its more than greediness, sometimes its that you dont know whether to love your body or hate it xxx
Ok so yet again i have woke up in pain, my tooth is still hurting, my throat is sore and im generally feeling a little down. It got me thinking about my body and what he represents to me, some people see their bodies as a mean fighting machine, a vessel for a healthy soul, body and mind. Me? We have a turbulant relationship. In some ways i feel my body as let me down, and i know that alot of it is my own fault, in other ways im proud of all it as been through. Now i am going to give you prior warning here that you may not want to read this if you dont like gruesome things, or are a little squeamish, but again i promised to be honest and in a weird 'julie' way i do think this as something to do with why i treat my body the way i do.
Why am i proud of my body? Well it generally does what it is supposed to do, it looks female even tho im fat, im very proud of my huge rack and it as given birth naturally to 3 gorgeous healthy children, it procreates, it pumps blood and it keeps me alive. In a way tho by being this good to me my body as took a battering and is now not performing perhaps the way it should, is this my fault? Or is it just that it cant take anymore? Let me explain...............
As i have touched on before, Sam was a turbulant pregnancy and birth but what i havent expressed is how this as effected me long term. When i was 12 weeks pregnant my waters broke, the prognosis was grim, the most possible outcome being that he just wouldnt survive, i held onto him until 28 weeks and all that time i willed my body to protect him, and it worked Sam was born tiny but strong and at that moment i couldnt have cared less if i was fat, my body had protected my son and fought to work, unfortunatly the story doesnt end there...........From 19 weeks onwards Sam was kicking my placenta, it was literally falling apart inside me, by the time i gave birth to Sam it was a broken mess. I was very poorly during the labour i could feel myself going, and the doctors were obviously also aware of the urgency. The minute Sam was born they realised they didnt have time to get me to theatre to remove the placenta. While awake the doctor had to manually remove my placenta...now trying to be as non graphic as possible, this meant using his hand to pull the broken pieces out. My insides are now a scarred mess, i dont blame the doctor he did what he had too and as horrific as the memories are i would do it all over again. The problem is that since Sams birth I have pretty much been on my period constantly, i will have a few 'normal' months but then i will bleed for weeks sometimes months non stop. This is when i get really down, try being on your period all the time! The cramps, the tears and just wanting to stick as many snickers in your mouth as possible. It is also the physical side of things tho, i started going swimming, i was really enjoying it and i could feel myself getting toned up, i now havent been for months because i cant. So what now? Well i need to get past this reward/punishment of my body and just accept it. Its an awful thing to wish for but im hoping one day soon the doctors will agree to give me an hysterectomy or something anything! Im sorry todays blog is all serious but i just want to get accross that sometimes its more than greediness, sometimes its that you dont know whether to love your body or hate it xxx
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
me vs nestle
24/1/12
As many of you may remember i wrote a blog a short while ago about how nestle made me fat by taking away my favourite chocolate bar with no prior warning, this in turn made me want to binge on anything i liked incase it happened again. Well today i bring you some breaking news....NESTLE are at it again!!! They obviously learnt alittle from last time as this time they are giving us prior warning. This is a shock to my system and as me panicking about not being able to get my chocolate obsession point across. Now as i am sure you are all aware i am not that fussy when it comes to chocolate however everyone as their favourites and i am quite found of kitkat chunkys, its the thick piece of chocolate on the top that does it for me! Now they have brought out 4 new flavours- double chocolate chunky, peanut butter chunky, white chocolate chunky and orange chunky! They downside is that they are only bringing them out for a limited time and the one that sells the most is the only one that stays, now i am not being melodramatic here but i could be missing out big time on a new taste senstation! You see i cant even try all four flavours cause on my diet it doesnt say anywhere (and i checked the small print) that i can have a chunky fest! Ok so one out of four is going to stay but what if it isnt my favourite??? Is this going to be a turning point in my life where i have to make a huge decision? I think so and i have been thinking alot! The way i see it i have 3 options- 1) Just dont eat the bloody chocolate Julie!, 2) eat them, put what ive lost back on and wallow in my lack of willpower or 3) bombard Nestle with phonecalls, emails and letters and demand they see the point of my plight! Ok so i am over exaggerating a little (ok a lot) I am not going to do 2 or 3 i have to do 1! Althought i do have one more little trick up my sleeve.............never ever go in to a shop again! xxx
As many of you may remember i wrote a blog a short while ago about how nestle made me fat by taking away my favourite chocolate bar with no prior warning, this in turn made me want to binge on anything i liked incase it happened again. Well today i bring you some breaking news....NESTLE are at it again!!! They obviously learnt alittle from last time as this time they are giving us prior warning. This is a shock to my system and as me panicking about not being able to get my chocolate obsession point across. Now as i am sure you are all aware i am not that fussy when it comes to chocolate however everyone as their favourites and i am quite found of kitkat chunkys, its the thick piece of chocolate on the top that does it for me! Now they have brought out 4 new flavours- double chocolate chunky, peanut butter chunky, white chocolate chunky and orange chunky! They downside is that they are only bringing them out for a limited time and the one that sells the most is the only one that stays, now i am not being melodramatic here but i could be missing out big time on a new taste senstation! You see i cant even try all four flavours cause on my diet it doesnt say anywhere (and i checked the small print) that i can have a chunky fest! Ok so one out of four is going to stay but what if it isnt my favourite??? Is this going to be a turning point in my life where i have to make a huge decision? I think so and i have been thinking alot! The way i see it i have 3 options- 1) Just dont eat the bloody chocolate Julie!, 2) eat them, put what ive lost back on and wallow in my lack of willpower or 3) bombard Nestle with phonecalls, emails and letters and demand they see the point of my plight! Ok so i am over exaggerating a little (ok a lot) I am not going to do 2 or 3 i have to do 1! Althought i do have one more little trick up my sleeve.............never ever go in to a shop again! xxx
Sunday, 22 January 2012
what being thin means to my life
23/1/12
Was excellent yesterday, really trying hard to put my bad time behind me and get on track for friday, yesterday i got to thinking about all the things i feel i can no longer do now i have put the majority of my weight back on. First of all it means red heels! Stupid i know but i just dont have the confidence to wear them anymore, to me red signals 'look at me' now once upon a time that would have been fine by me, i felt confident to carry them off, now they gather dust in my wardrobe as i feel that if i wore them, people wouldnt look at my shoes they would look at my fat and two would my tree trunks seriously not break the gorgeous heels by putting all my weight on too two thin heels??? It also means i wont get done for manslaughter of my lovely bf, as much as he loves me i dont think he appreciated nearly being squashed the other night! Mind you he was beign a typical man! I had gone downstairs at 3.30am to take some more painkillers and in the 3 minutes i was gone he had rolled over to my side of the bed, oh course being the considerate person i am, i never turned on the lights so went back up to bed and only from the yelp did i realise i had jumped straight on the bf, i felt like i had murdered a puppy! Being thin again means nice knickers! I have an obsession with pants and when i lost my weight before i would treat myself with a new pair everytime i lost weight, however now i have 'a sad stomach' hanging over my lady garden wearing silky knickers saying 'sexy beast' no longer feels appropiate.....unless of course i scrub off the sexy part! Now i have gone back to huge parachutes that i can tuck my belly into just to make me look alittle less bumpy, or if im feel humourous my hippo ones! 'im hippo into you' they say and the hippo covers my ass just nicely!
But apart from the obvious confidence boosts it means i can face every day knowing what didnt kill me made me stronger and that fat, thin, swollen faced, or crying with laughter im just Julie and soon everyone is going to know me inside and out xxx
Was excellent yesterday, really trying hard to put my bad time behind me and get on track for friday, yesterday i got to thinking about all the things i feel i can no longer do now i have put the majority of my weight back on. First of all it means red heels! Stupid i know but i just dont have the confidence to wear them anymore, to me red signals 'look at me' now once upon a time that would have been fine by me, i felt confident to carry them off, now they gather dust in my wardrobe as i feel that if i wore them, people wouldnt look at my shoes they would look at my fat and two would my tree trunks seriously not break the gorgeous heels by putting all my weight on too two thin heels??? It also means i wont get done for manslaughter of my lovely bf, as much as he loves me i dont think he appreciated nearly being squashed the other night! Mind you he was beign a typical man! I had gone downstairs at 3.30am to take some more painkillers and in the 3 minutes i was gone he had rolled over to my side of the bed, oh course being the considerate person i am, i never turned on the lights so went back up to bed and only from the yelp did i realise i had jumped straight on the bf, i felt like i had murdered a puppy! Being thin again means nice knickers! I have an obsession with pants and when i lost my weight before i would treat myself with a new pair everytime i lost weight, however now i have 'a sad stomach' hanging over my lady garden wearing silky knickers saying 'sexy beast' no longer feels appropiate.....unless of course i scrub off the sexy part! Now i have gone back to huge parachutes that i can tuck my belly into just to make me look alittle less bumpy, or if im feel humourous my hippo ones! 'im hippo into you' they say and the hippo covers my ass just nicely!
But apart from the obvious confidence boosts it means i can face every day knowing what didnt kill me made me stronger and that fat, thin, swollen faced, or crying with laughter im just Julie and soon everyone is going to know me inside and out xxx
Saturday, 21 January 2012
fighting back
22/1/12
Ok no more misery, im fed up of my own whinging if im honest. I am still in a lot of pain and my face still resembles the elephant man it is so swollen. The past 2 days have been so hard, maybe i am a wimp but it still feels like someone as hacked my mouth too pieces. Last night tho i realised i have to put myself in check, ok soup is boring and i love my food but how gutted am i going to be come friday? I just have to hope and pray now that i have given myself a kick up the arse soon enough. This morning (while it was still dark) me and my beautiful daughter Eloise went jogging, we didnt go far and i had to stop twice to fast walk but we have decided to do it every morning. I am embarressed to be seen huffing and puffing down the road but this journey is not just about me but about Eloise too. I love Eloise to pieces unfortunatly however she is a chip off the old block, my two sons can eat till the cows come home and they are skinny, but Eloise is like her mother and everything goes on her. Thing is i dont want Eloise to grow up feeling like i did, that it was wrong to eat and to become a secret binger, i want her to be proud of who is she regardless of her weight, so i thought if we did this exercise together then at least she is moving, i dont want to get on at her for everything she eats, she is the most kind hearted kid i know but kids are so cruel and already the jibes have started. It is also some mum and daughter time that we are going to enjoy, lets hope we can keep it up (and that soon i wont have to stop to walk). I apologise for the last few days of misery i have subjected you too and i need you to keep everything crossed i know i only have myself to blame but i really need to loose again friday to give me the spur i need once more. stay with me guys and if you see me jogging give me a whoop whoop xxx
Ok no more misery, im fed up of my own whinging if im honest. I am still in a lot of pain and my face still resembles the elephant man it is so swollen. The past 2 days have been so hard, maybe i am a wimp but it still feels like someone as hacked my mouth too pieces. Last night tho i realised i have to put myself in check, ok soup is boring and i love my food but how gutted am i going to be come friday? I just have to hope and pray now that i have given myself a kick up the arse soon enough. This morning (while it was still dark) me and my beautiful daughter Eloise went jogging, we didnt go far and i had to stop twice to fast walk but we have decided to do it every morning. I am embarressed to be seen huffing and puffing down the road but this journey is not just about me but about Eloise too. I love Eloise to pieces unfortunatly however she is a chip off the old block, my two sons can eat till the cows come home and they are skinny, but Eloise is like her mother and everything goes on her. Thing is i dont want Eloise to grow up feeling like i did, that it was wrong to eat and to become a secret binger, i want her to be proud of who is she regardless of her weight, so i thought if we did this exercise together then at least she is moving, i dont want to get on at her for everything she eats, she is the most kind hearted kid i know but kids are so cruel and already the jibes have started. It is also some mum and daughter time that we are going to enjoy, lets hope we can keep it up (and that soon i wont have to stop to walk). I apologise for the last few days of misery i have subjected you too and i need you to keep everything crossed i know i only have myself to blame but i really need to loose again friday to give me the spur i need once more. stay with me guys and if you see me jogging give me a whoop whoop xxx
Ruined
21/1/12
Morning all, you can all officially hate me now- i have cheated- big time. yesterday as you are all aware i had two of my teeth removed, it was horrid, worse than i expected and left me bleeding and in agony all day, i hadnt eaten all day and by the time the numbness wore off early evening i was starving and sore, so i hate a bar of dairy milk followed by a dominoes pizza, then just to make me feel even worse the bleeding started back up again, This morning i am still feeling really quite poorly, the bleeding is on and off still, my face is swollen and so painful, im trying so hard to stick to my diet and so far today i am sticking to it purely because all my diet food is not mushy enough. Im feeling pretty sorry for myself, i was hoping today to be back to being determined and well again, instead im sitting here typing, crying and holding my mouth. Im so scared now for weigh day already i was doing so well and to be honest im not sure how im going to get on today, i am almost wishing i had never had it done. I feel utterly drained, hardly any sleep and i shook all day yesterday, and as you are all aware by now when im feeling down i turn to food, what am i going to do? Ive completly ruined everything :( be back later hopefully xx
Morning all, you can all officially hate me now- i have cheated- big time. yesterday as you are all aware i had two of my teeth removed, it was horrid, worse than i expected and left me bleeding and in agony all day, i hadnt eaten all day and by the time the numbness wore off early evening i was starving and sore, so i hate a bar of dairy milk followed by a dominoes pizza, then just to make me feel even worse the bleeding started back up again, This morning i am still feeling really quite poorly, the bleeding is on and off still, my face is swollen and so painful, im trying so hard to stick to my diet and so far today i am sticking to it purely because all my diet food is not mushy enough. Im feeling pretty sorry for myself, i was hoping today to be back to being determined and well again, instead im sitting here typing, crying and holding my mouth. Im so scared now for weigh day already i was doing so well and to be honest im not sure how im going to get on today, i am almost wishing i had never had it done. I feel utterly drained, hardly any sleep and i shook all day yesterday, and as you are all aware by now when im feeling down i turn to food, what am i going to do? Ive completly ruined everything :( be back later hopefully xx
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Weigh day again
20/1/12
Ok so its 5.26am and im up really cause in a few hours im going to get my teeth taken out and im scared! Very scared, but i thought seen as im up i will weigh myself and try and cheer myself up. After a horrendous week i was really hoping for a good result and i lost! But i lost a measly 1 and a half pound! I know i lost and everything but i am a bit gutted, i was hoping for more seen as ive hardly eaten and have been so so good all week despite all the set backs that would normally send me running (ok driving) to the shop for a bit fat dairy milk. Im nervous and disapointed but im not going to let it stop me, i suppose if i look on the bright side i have now lost just over half a stone, and if i hadnt been dieting i could have at least put a stone on, cause i do put weight on so so easily. Another plus point is i havent got to argue the toss on whether i should have a treat or not cause most of the day my mouth is going to be numb, im just hoping that when i come out i will be relieved that my teeth have gone and have no more trouble and properly get on with it in the hope that i loose a couple of pound next week. To me it is really important i loose just over 2lb next week as it means i will drop those all important stone digits on the scales, unfortunatly i will still be in double digits but it will be a lower double digit! lol
Next week however i am going out for an evening, i will be over my allowance on alcohol alone but i havent been out in almost a year and i think that i really deserve to go out, i was so crippled with depression on my birthday last july i even stayed in that day and just asked my family to come to me cause i couldnt face going out. So i know i have come a long way in myself but now i am panicking that next week i am going to scupper my diet all in one day! So come one guys and gals youve been so good to me so far and i know im a cheeky cow but could you all keep everything crossed for me today that it goes well with my teeth, for next weeks weigh day and that i dont put it all back on by having a few drinks next week, gawd i am asking alot aint i!.....Now if you will excuse me im just going to bang my head up the wall until dentist time :( xxx
Ok so its 5.26am and im up really cause in a few hours im going to get my teeth taken out and im scared! Very scared, but i thought seen as im up i will weigh myself and try and cheer myself up. After a horrendous week i was really hoping for a good result and i lost! But i lost a measly 1 and a half pound! I know i lost and everything but i am a bit gutted, i was hoping for more seen as ive hardly eaten and have been so so good all week despite all the set backs that would normally send me running (ok driving) to the shop for a bit fat dairy milk. Im nervous and disapointed but im not going to let it stop me, i suppose if i look on the bright side i have now lost just over half a stone, and if i hadnt been dieting i could have at least put a stone on, cause i do put weight on so so easily. Another plus point is i havent got to argue the toss on whether i should have a treat or not cause most of the day my mouth is going to be numb, im just hoping that when i come out i will be relieved that my teeth have gone and have no more trouble and properly get on with it in the hope that i loose a couple of pound next week. To me it is really important i loose just over 2lb next week as it means i will drop those all important stone digits on the scales, unfortunatly i will still be in double digits but it will be a lower double digit! lol
Next week however i am going out for an evening, i will be over my allowance on alcohol alone but i havent been out in almost a year and i think that i really deserve to go out, i was so crippled with depression on my birthday last july i even stayed in that day and just asked my family to come to me cause i couldnt face going out. So i know i have come a long way in myself but now i am panicking that next week i am going to scupper my diet all in one day! So come one guys and gals youve been so good to me so far and i know im a cheeky cow but could you all keep everything crossed for me today that it goes well with my teeth, for next weeks weigh day and that i dont put it all back on by having a few drinks next week, gawd i am asking alot aint i!.....Now if you will excuse me im just going to bang my head up the wall until dentist time :( xxx
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
have i got the willpower?
19/1/12
I have had a shocking week, im glad to report i havent cheated yet but jesus if it carries on like this im going to need some serious willpower. Im a little anonyed with myself to be honest cause its only week 3 its not like ive been doing it years, i keep imagining how great i felt last time, the hot tub in cornwall, trousers that dont go pop but still every morning i keep wishing i could have something stodgy or chocolate. I think im feeling the strain more cause everything as decided to break on me, first it was the car and the washing machine, now my hob on my cooker isnt working, my cold tap wont turn on and as you all know im running majorly low on cupboard doors. Ive had toothache and ive got to not only face the scales but the dentist tomorrow and i know im being a baby but i feel like throwing a paddy. Im so worried we will have to cancel cornwall to pay for everything and to top it all off im having medical problems again.
Sorry enough whinging, i am now going to tell you all the good things about this week.... Sam as decided he is going to be 'kind' from now on, and bless him he is trying but waking me up at 4.55am 'so i dont have to rush' is not exactly the sort of 'kind' i like. Despite all my stresses i have not cheated and i also havent punched someone in the face for being a idiot so i think i deserve brownie points on that also. I faced my fears and went to the dentist initially i just have to force myself to go again tomorrow, and lets not forget the most important and truely best thing about this week- my family, how can i be a miserable cow when i am so lucky to have such a fantastic family and friends who i also consider family. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a kick up the arse- and this is mine.........keep everything crossed for weigh day tomorrow guys xx
I have had a shocking week, im glad to report i havent cheated yet but jesus if it carries on like this im going to need some serious willpower. Im a little anonyed with myself to be honest cause its only week 3 its not like ive been doing it years, i keep imagining how great i felt last time, the hot tub in cornwall, trousers that dont go pop but still every morning i keep wishing i could have something stodgy or chocolate. I think im feeling the strain more cause everything as decided to break on me, first it was the car and the washing machine, now my hob on my cooker isnt working, my cold tap wont turn on and as you all know im running majorly low on cupboard doors. Ive had toothache and ive got to not only face the scales but the dentist tomorrow and i know im being a baby but i feel like throwing a paddy. Im so worried we will have to cancel cornwall to pay for everything and to top it all off im having medical problems again.
Sorry enough whinging, i am now going to tell you all the good things about this week.... Sam as decided he is going to be 'kind' from now on, and bless him he is trying but waking me up at 4.55am 'so i dont have to rush' is not exactly the sort of 'kind' i like. Despite all my stresses i have not cheated and i also havent punched someone in the face for being a idiot so i think i deserve brownie points on that also. I faced my fears and went to the dentist initially i just have to force myself to go again tomorrow, and lets not forget the most important and truely best thing about this week- my family, how can i be a miserable cow when i am so lucky to have such a fantastic family and friends who i also consider family. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a kick up the arse- and this is mine.........keep everything crossed for weigh day tomorrow guys xx
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Toothache and diets
18/1/12
Ok for the last 2 days i have had toothache :( the pain is a nightmare and im petrifried of dentists, but it got to the point where if the dentist didnt take it out i would bloody pull the thing out myself. The bad news is tho I cant get them removed till friday! Now if you have been following my blog, you will know that friday is my weigh day, so if i dont loose weight this week and then have to get my teeth removed then im going to be a very mardy girl-with a numb mouth! However my other problem with having to wait until friday is not just the pain but the pure fact that i will have to weigh myself with my teeth still in my head is playing on my mind, i mean surely them 2 teeth that are getting pulled friday will at least weigh a 1lb?? Is the whole world conspiring against me? Which brings me to my second tooth/diet related problem. Im finding it almost impossible to eat, at first i thought that was great and was expecting a huge loss, but i swear as the days have gone by i can hear my fat cells crying in agony and screaming ' oh no shes never going to feed us again we better stay put so she can last a bit longer' Dont mean to be rude but fat cells- just do one!
I am starving tho and diet food is not really 'tooth sympathetic' if you know what i mean! Apples? i cant bleeding bite that hard! Meat? I cant chew and trust me if one little chick gets stuck in my mouth im going to cry- and paddy! The only things that i will be able to eat without inflicting more agony upon myself is ....ice cream, trifles and if i suck it for long enough chocolate, you can see why im just not really eating at the moment! It seems to be hot things that are bringing the pain out worse and im desperate for a cup of tea! Im really feeling quite mardy and fed up right now, i need a huge weightloss and a set of falsies to cheer me up i reckon xx
Ok for the last 2 days i have had toothache :( the pain is a nightmare and im petrifried of dentists, but it got to the point where if the dentist didnt take it out i would bloody pull the thing out myself. The bad news is tho I cant get them removed till friday! Now if you have been following my blog, you will know that friday is my weigh day, so if i dont loose weight this week and then have to get my teeth removed then im going to be a very mardy girl-with a numb mouth! However my other problem with having to wait until friday is not just the pain but the pure fact that i will have to weigh myself with my teeth still in my head is playing on my mind, i mean surely them 2 teeth that are getting pulled friday will at least weigh a 1lb?? Is the whole world conspiring against me? Which brings me to my second tooth/diet related problem. Im finding it almost impossible to eat, at first i thought that was great and was expecting a huge loss, but i swear as the days have gone by i can hear my fat cells crying in agony and screaming ' oh no shes never going to feed us again we better stay put so she can last a bit longer' Dont mean to be rude but fat cells- just do one!
I am starving tho and diet food is not really 'tooth sympathetic' if you know what i mean! Apples? i cant bleeding bite that hard! Meat? I cant chew and trust me if one little chick gets stuck in my mouth im going to cry- and paddy! The only things that i will be able to eat without inflicting more agony upon myself is ....ice cream, trifles and if i suck it for long enough chocolate, you can see why im just not really eating at the moment! It seems to be hot things that are bringing the pain out worse and im desperate for a cup of tea! Im really feeling quite mardy and fed up right now, i need a huge weightloss and a set of falsies to cheer me up i reckon xx
Gastric bands and me
17/1/12
Now its seems that almost everyone is having gastric bands put in to help them loose weight, and for a little while i too considered it, so what changed my mind? Well first of all even tho im obese im not considered fat enough to have a band-this i find very amusing! It must be the only time in my life ive ever been told that im 'underweight'! But its more than that for me, i dont want the choice of food to be taken away from me, sad isnt it that im so addicted that i cant bear the thought of never being able to eat properly again. Then there is all the horror stories of it going wrong, what would my kids prefer? A fat alive mum or a skinny dead one?
I dont think that i need a op to get me thin, remember i have lost all my weight before so somewhere deep inside i must have the willpower to carry on the hard way, plus i really honestly believe that you can give yourself a 'natural band'. Sounds strange i know but last time i lost weight i was about 5 stone down and had been dieting for nearly a year when some of my friends from work and myself decided to go out for lunch. We decided on taybarns, a place where almost every food is on offer and you can eat as much as you like, i was so excited! I was going to go for it big time- and i did. I went up time and time again and even tho my stomach was telling me i was full i kept shovelling that food in, the result? I was sick as a dog, i have never felt so bad in all my life, i even had to ring my friend to pick my kids up from school. So i truely believe that you can train your body to only accept too much food, where i went wrong was i kept pushing the limit untill my stomach capacity grew once more. So whose to say i wouldnt find a way to cheat the band? To me weightloss is mostly in the head, its my relationship with food, I see it as a treat not as fuel, so for me personally a gastric band is out, hypnosis however i might consider...............xxx
Now its seems that almost everyone is having gastric bands put in to help them loose weight, and for a little while i too considered it, so what changed my mind? Well first of all even tho im obese im not considered fat enough to have a band-this i find very amusing! It must be the only time in my life ive ever been told that im 'underweight'! But its more than that for me, i dont want the choice of food to be taken away from me, sad isnt it that im so addicted that i cant bear the thought of never being able to eat properly again. Then there is all the horror stories of it going wrong, what would my kids prefer? A fat alive mum or a skinny dead one?
I dont think that i need a op to get me thin, remember i have lost all my weight before so somewhere deep inside i must have the willpower to carry on the hard way, plus i really honestly believe that you can give yourself a 'natural band'. Sounds strange i know but last time i lost weight i was about 5 stone down and had been dieting for nearly a year when some of my friends from work and myself decided to go out for lunch. We decided on taybarns, a place where almost every food is on offer and you can eat as much as you like, i was so excited! I was going to go for it big time- and i did. I went up time and time again and even tho my stomach was telling me i was full i kept shovelling that food in, the result? I was sick as a dog, i have never felt so bad in all my life, i even had to ring my friend to pick my kids up from school. So i truely believe that you can train your body to only accept too much food, where i went wrong was i kept pushing the limit untill my stomach capacity grew once more. So whose to say i wouldnt find a way to cheat the band? To me weightloss is mostly in the head, its my relationship with food, I see it as a treat not as fuel, so for me personally a gastric band is out, hypnosis however i might consider...............xxx
Sunday, 15 January 2012
There is more to me than meets the eye!
16/1/12
So im feeling a little better today, still not great but well enough to go to work, which is a blessing really cause as much as i could do with the rest, im skint! I dont even mean a little bit skint either, skint to the point of my diet getting very close to becoming a starvation diet! As weekends go it hasnt been the greatest, first my car died, so ok its only the battery but its still £90 quid, school are constantly asking me for money, bills to be paid and now the washing machine decides to leak everywhere! My kitchen is falling apart (i am now 3 cupboard doors down) and i have no food! When i say no food i mean good food, we still have things left over from christmas but trying to get from whale size to more of a carp size this is really not the food for me. I dont get paid until a week today and i have £20 at the moment, now that does not go very far at the best of times but jesus why does fruit have to cost a bomb? Im half thinking of returning to my old job............
Now as part of the deal with this blog i am promising to be completly honest and let you get to know the real me so please dont judge me on this! Im still Julie after all. Reverse 3 years and im fat, very fat about 18 stone worth of fat, my ex husband got made reduntant and i hadnt worked since Sam was born so poorly, but i didnt want to start claiming so i worked from home as a ...........sex texter..........(you may now gasp in horror), Thing is it worked, i could still be a stay at home mum but my kids would still have food in their bellies. It opened my eyes to an whole new world (and not in the way you are thinking) I suddenly found that men are very interested in women of all shapes and sizes, everyday we were given a persona, a woman to pretend to be including pictures! One day i was assigned the persona of 'big fat jenna' now bless her big fat jenna was just as described, i practically felt malnourished! That day i realised that men do not find us fatties unattractive in fact a huge number of men find a huge woman very very attractive. I hated that job, i hated that i had to do it, but i was not going to let my kids go without and when times are tough us mums do our very very best. It however made me realise that i was good enough, i was confident in who i was back then but after that day my confidence soared, ok so i wasnt everyones cup of tea but i was married and i found i could be well dressed and attractive. That was one of the times i remember feeling truely happy within my skin, so what turned me into a reclusive, calorie counting size obsessed weirdo? I cant tell you yet but i will, this is just the start of my journey and i hope when i have overcome this weeks demons you will still be following me and will support me when i tell you , have a great monday guys the world is ours to seize xx
So im feeling a little better today, still not great but well enough to go to work, which is a blessing really cause as much as i could do with the rest, im skint! I dont even mean a little bit skint either, skint to the point of my diet getting very close to becoming a starvation diet! As weekends go it hasnt been the greatest, first my car died, so ok its only the battery but its still £90 quid, school are constantly asking me for money, bills to be paid and now the washing machine decides to leak everywhere! My kitchen is falling apart (i am now 3 cupboard doors down) and i have no food! When i say no food i mean good food, we still have things left over from christmas but trying to get from whale size to more of a carp size this is really not the food for me. I dont get paid until a week today and i have £20 at the moment, now that does not go very far at the best of times but jesus why does fruit have to cost a bomb? Im half thinking of returning to my old job............
Now as part of the deal with this blog i am promising to be completly honest and let you get to know the real me so please dont judge me on this! Im still Julie after all. Reverse 3 years and im fat, very fat about 18 stone worth of fat, my ex husband got made reduntant and i hadnt worked since Sam was born so poorly, but i didnt want to start claiming so i worked from home as a ...........sex texter..........(you may now gasp in horror), Thing is it worked, i could still be a stay at home mum but my kids would still have food in their bellies. It opened my eyes to an whole new world (and not in the way you are thinking) I suddenly found that men are very interested in women of all shapes and sizes, everyday we were given a persona, a woman to pretend to be including pictures! One day i was assigned the persona of 'big fat jenna' now bless her big fat jenna was just as described, i practically felt malnourished! That day i realised that men do not find us fatties unattractive in fact a huge number of men find a huge woman very very attractive. I hated that job, i hated that i had to do it, but i was not going to let my kids go without and when times are tough us mums do our very very best. It however made me realise that i was good enough, i was confident in who i was back then but after that day my confidence soared, ok so i wasnt everyones cup of tea but i was married and i found i could be well dressed and attractive. That was one of the times i remember feeling truely happy within my skin, so what turned me into a reclusive, calorie counting size obsessed weirdo? I cant tell you yet but i will, this is just the start of my journey and i hope when i have overcome this weeks demons you will still be following me and will support me when i tell you , have a great monday guys the world is ours to seize xx
I'm poorly :(
15/1/12
Im ill! I feel so rough writing this, my throat kills, my head is banging and everytime i cough my stomach clenches and makes me whimper. It started yesterday afternoon and kind of put a dampner on everything, although im feeling rough as a badgers arse so cheating is impossible, i spent all day on the sofa doing no exercise at all! Im pretty sure my belly feels bigger already! Ive just got no energy at all and it feels horrible im begining to wonder whether perhaps this is withdrawel as ive abused my body so much in the past its come to see fat as a necessity. My nose is red like rudolph and i know i dont look attractive i mean im lounging around in my pjs, my boobs down to my knees, red nose, no makeup and hair so greasy i can tie it back without a bobble-not good. I need to get my mojo back and quick time, why does everythign seem more of a big deal when your ill? Sorry this is a short blog if the fog in my head clears i will try and fill you in more later today xxx
Im ill! I feel so rough writing this, my throat kills, my head is banging and everytime i cough my stomach clenches and makes me whimper. It started yesterday afternoon and kind of put a dampner on everything, although im feeling rough as a badgers arse so cheating is impossible, i spent all day on the sofa doing no exercise at all! Im pretty sure my belly feels bigger already! Ive just got no energy at all and it feels horrible im begining to wonder whether perhaps this is withdrawel as ive abused my body so much in the past its come to see fat as a necessity. My nose is red like rudolph and i know i dont look attractive i mean im lounging around in my pjs, my boobs down to my knees, red nose, no makeup and hair so greasy i can tie it back without a bobble-not good. I need to get my mojo back and quick time, why does everythign seem more of a big deal when your ill? Sorry this is a short blog if the fog in my head clears i will try and fill you in more later today xxx
Friday, 13 January 2012
Its all about secrets!
So yesterday after everyones supportive comments i felt like i could manage to go without a treat, that will be for when i am desperate (trust me that day will come properly when i am hormonal). So anyway i got thinking about why my treats are so important to me, and shock horror its not just because i am a greedy cow. So here it is, NESTLE runined my life! The above picture is of a secret bar, a bar that i have had to find the picture of to prove to people they did exist! Trust me not one of my mummy friends from up the school had heard of them (Amy, Sharon and Tina you missed a treat i tell you!). So here is why nestle ruined my relationship with chocolate, I was mad on these chocolate bars that were gooey, chocolately and in a hexagonal wrapper (oh the poshness!) Whenever i was allowed a treat thats what i chose, then one day without any prior warning they discontinued them! I never had any chance to say goodbye, to stock up a stash or even gorge till i was sick on them. To say i was gutted was an understatement, then they did the same with 'mavericks' and 'fuses', it followed an awful pattern where i would really like something then they would dissapear. To prove a point asda recently brought out a cake called a whoopie pie, they were out of this world, and then they changed the recipe! They now do not taste the same and are a complete disapointment, how i wished i had ignored the diet and just had one more! So maybe thats my problem, maybe when i like something i worry that they are never going to do them again and i will have to eat as many as possible in a short amount of time, so as to get my full and avoid disapointment once more........... or maybe its just cause im greedy!
To be honest im sure any shrink would have a field day with me, i know i have an addictive personality, a guilt complex and a lack of confidence, but to be honest what person does? I mean im pretty sure no one is entirely happy with the way they look, my addiction is anything full of fat, sugar and calories, for others its gambling, alcohol or drugs, i really should be glad that im not addicted to all of them! Maybe i should stop looking at anything new, you cant miss what you aint tried right? Yesterday tho as i realised that maybe that is part of the reason im fat (feeling im missing out that is) I also realised that nothing tastes as good as feeling happy feels, if i was to suddenly pass away would my last thought be ' i wish i had had that chocolate?' of course it wouldnt it would be about my loved ones and they truely are my real drug. My body as much as i hate it as given me 3 wonderful children, one of which the doctors said would not live, but i didnt give up then and i wont give up now its time to repay my body for all its given me, by giving it something back........and that certainly doesnt include more stretch marks and completly runining it. So another cheat free week begins xxxx
Thursday, 12 January 2012
the results are in!
13/1/12
Well its weigh day, and i was up at 5 past 5 to weigh myself! not sure if that is pure craziness or dedication! I also needed a wee so maybe that was why i really woke up! Anyway all week i have been strict as, i managed to fit my hand down the back of my trousers, i didnt reach for the chocolate when Sam pulled yet another kitchen door off (can i just say it makes dieting even harder with no cupboard doors cause you can see everything!) and i had a little panic when i weighed myself the other night and i hadnt budged but...................I lost 3lb! I am chuffed to bits! thats 3 pieces of my fat stickwoman i can colour in and only 36 spaces left to go! Ok so 36 is still alot before my self set deadline of july but 36 is better than 39 and i am so hoping that next week it will be better again.
Which leads me to my next question, do i have a cheat day or not? Before i used too every friday but only if i lost, sometimes it would be a drink on a friday night, other times a take away, it kept me focused and if i really really craved something i could 'bank' it for a friday, but was this also where i went wrong? Cause with everything that subsequently happened in my life, my cheat day started to become a cheat weekend, then eventually i was dieting only a couple of days a week. So heres where i want your input again, do i have a sneaky cheat today or do i try and stick it out for another few weeks ( i have gone 2 weeks without a cheat). For a foodoholic like me this is a major achievement, but im in two minds, part of me is at this very moment (yes i know its only 6.10 am) drooling over the thought of a chocolate bar, but the other part of me is thinking would i ruin next weeks chances if i did this? Dilemma's hey! probably as tough as they get!
Im so happy that i can report a loss to you this week and its all thanks to you guys, this blog is helping me tremendously and i sure at least 1lb of my loss is due to shaking off the guilt! Now if you will excuse me i have 3 spaces to colour in! xxxx
Well its weigh day, and i was up at 5 past 5 to weigh myself! not sure if that is pure craziness or dedication! I also needed a wee so maybe that was why i really woke up! Anyway all week i have been strict as, i managed to fit my hand down the back of my trousers, i didnt reach for the chocolate when Sam pulled yet another kitchen door off (can i just say it makes dieting even harder with no cupboard doors cause you can see everything!) and i had a little panic when i weighed myself the other night and i hadnt budged but...................I lost 3lb! I am chuffed to bits! thats 3 pieces of my fat stickwoman i can colour in and only 36 spaces left to go! Ok so 36 is still alot before my self set deadline of july but 36 is better than 39 and i am so hoping that next week it will be better again.
Which leads me to my next question, do i have a cheat day or not? Before i used too every friday but only if i lost, sometimes it would be a drink on a friday night, other times a take away, it kept me focused and if i really really craved something i could 'bank' it for a friday, but was this also where i went wrong? Cause with everything that subsequently happened in my life, my cheat day started to become a cheat weekend, then eventually i was dieting only a couple of days a week. So heres where i want your input again, do i have a sneaky cheat today or do i try and stick it out for another few weeks ( i have gone 2 weeks without a cheat). For a foodoholic like me this is a major achievement, but im in two minds, part of me is at this very moment (yes i know its only 6.10 am) drooling over the thought of a chocolate bar, but the other part of me is thinking would i ruin next weeks chances if i did this? Dilemma's hey! probably as tough as they get!
Im so happy that i can report a loss to you this week and its all thanks to you guys, this blog is helping me tremendously and i sure at least 1lb of my loss is due to shaking off the guilt! Now if you will excuse me i have 3 spaces to colour in! xxxx
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
ben, jerry and me
12/1/12
So tomorrow is my weigh day and im a bit worried about it if i am honest, i have been super strict this wee and i havent put a foot wrong, but i dont feel any lighter, plus i have a confession. Last night i stood on the scales, i know i shouldnt have, and it was night time i was fully clothed etc but i felt like i had failed cause i was still exactly the same weight. Now i am dreading tomorrow morning cause what if i havent lost any? I dont think i can cope with that when i have been so so good, and not cheated once not even with a little sweet.Im worried that if i dont loose i will go back to the 2 men in my life that always make things better....ben and jerry.
Of course i am talking about ice cream, we have a turbulant relationship me, ben and jerry i hate it and love it at the same time, while going through my divorce i went through tubs of the stuff and made me feel so much better, but then it did the dirty on me and made me put all this weight back on. Still I have trouble staying away tho. I always turn to them when things get tough, it is my proper drug, my forbidden fruit (ha ha if only it was fruit hey!) There as been so many times this week i have just wanted to turn to my old ways, ive had a rubbish week at work with certain 'grownups' throwing their dummy out their pram, i have lost another kitchen door thanks to an over hungry Sam that just couldnt take no, its january and im struggling to find the money for the constant fresh fruit, but i have stuck to it cause i just cant bear to be hiding away from the camera for another year, to wear clothes that dont show anything. I ask you all to keep everything crossed for me cause trust me if i havent lost at least 2lb there will be tears at breakfast and i fear that breakfast may be a threesome if you know what i mean xx
So tomorrow is my weigh day and im a bit worried about it if i am honest, i have been super strict this wee and i havent put a foot wrong, but i dont feel any lighter, plus i have a confession. Last night i stood on the scales, i know i shouldnt have, and it was night time i was fully clothed etc but i felt like i had failed cause i was still exactly the same weight. Now i am dreading tomorrow morning cause what if i havent lost any? I dont think i can cope with that when i have been so so good, and not cheated once not even with a little sweet.Im worried that if i dont loose i will go back to the 2 men in my life that always make things better....ben and jerry.
Of course i am talking about ice cream, we have a turbulant relationship me, ben and jerry i hate it and love it at the same time, while going through my divorce i went through tubs of the stuff and made me feel so much better, but then it did the dirty on me and made me put all this weight back on. Still I have trouble staying away tho. I always turn to them when things get tough, it is my proper drug, my forbidden fruit (ha ha if only it was fruit hey!) There as been so many times this week i have just wanted to turn to my old ways, ive had a rubbish week at work with certain 'grownups' throwing their dummy out their pram, i have lost another kitchen door thanks to an over hungry Sam that just couldnt take no, its january and im struggling to find the money for the constant fresh fruit, but i have stuck to it cause i just cant bear to be hiding away from the camera for another year, to wear clothes that dont show anything. I ask you all to keep everything crossed for me cause trust me if i havent lost at least 2lb there will be tears at breakfast and i fear that breakfast may be a threesome if you know what i mean xx
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
I aint gone pop yet!
10/1/12
I have been feeling really good lately with all the possitive comments i have been getting, i really feel like this blog is 'chicken soup' for my soul, but one thing i have not lost is my sense of hunour, i mean come on youve got to have one havent you! Take today for example, my son the notourious Sam (yet again) came in from school and as usual he is starving! So two packets of crisps, 3 jaffa cakes and a whole punnet of grapes he declares he is still starving. Trying to get him to leave of the food for just 5 minutes i say to him ' surely you cant have room for anymore you will pop' to which he replied ' I wont, your really fat and you havent popped yet' .Yeah thanks Sam! Brought me back down to earth tho, i have been feeling 'thinner' in my head which i think is half the battle most of the time, no matter what anyone says it is how you feel yourself not numbers that define your head. With that one sentence tho i realised that people still see me as fat, i may have lost 3lb and got my arm down the back of my trousers but according to my bmi im dead and everyone else cant literally see that 3lb. But I still have my sense of humour, and it is funny, im hoping one day he will call me a thin mummy, but maybe until that day i should just walk round with a sign round my neck saying '-3lb' or i could also shove my hands down my back every few minutes!
Talking of pounds tho, its not only weight you loose, im skint! why is healthier stuff always more expensive and i always seem to be in the shop buying more fruit etc, seriously its like torturing us twice! I have to bypass the walnut whips and buy grapes which are 3 times as much and lets be honest in the taste test a walnut whip would win hands down! However im feeling positive, here i get to right down my thoughts and share with you everything, i feel i am finally doing something and more importantly i know inside of my head is healing. Its nearly friday and i hope to god i can report some more weightloss to you, im trying hard peeps xxx
I have been feeling really good lately with all the possitive comments i have been getting, i really feel like this blog is 'chicken soup' for my soul, but one thing i have not lost is my sense of hunour, i mean come on youve got to have one havent you! Take today for example, my son the notourious Sam (yet again) came in from school and as usual he is starving! So two packets of crisps, 3 jaffa cakes and a whole punnet of grapes he declares he is still starving. Trying to get him to leave of the food for just 5 minutes i say to him ' surely you cant have room for anymore you will pop' to which he replied ' I wont, your really fat and you havent popped yet' .Yeah thanks Sam! Brought me back down to earth tho, i have been feeling 'thinner' in my head which i think is half the battle most of the time, no matter what anyone says it is how you feel yourself not numbers that define your head. With that one sentence tho i realised that people still see me as fat, i may have lost 3lb and got my arm down the back of my trousers but according to my bmi im dead and everyone else cant literally see that 3lb. But I still have my sense of humour, and it is funny, im hoping one day he will call me a thin mummy, but maybe until that day i should just walk round with a sign round my neck saying '-3lb' or i could also shove my hands down my back every few minutes!
Talking of pounds tho, its not only weight you loose, im skint! why is healthier stuff always more expensive and i always seem to be in the shop buying more fruit etc, seriously its like torturing us twice! I have to bypass the walnut whips and buy grapes which are 3 times as much and lets be honest in the taste test a walnut whip would win hands down! However im feeling positive, here i get to right down my thoughts and share with you everything, i feel i am finally doing something and more importantly i know inside of my head is healing. Its nearly friday and i hope to god i can report some more weightloss to you, im trying hard peeps xxx
trousers-1 me- 1....were equal
10/1/12
Now im sure pretty much all of you read my blog last week when i spent the morning sobbing into my quilt as my quivering belly burst through my trousers and i had to get a bigger pair. Well today i report good news, that i have equalled the score between me and my trousers. Are you ready for this????? Today I........Stuck my hand down the back of my trousers! Up to my elbow no less! Now i know that they are hardly falling off me or anything, and im not quite needing a belt to keep my arse from saying 'peek-a-boo' but this is progress!Im a little complexed as to why my back seems to have shrunk tho and not either of my two bellies. Im not complaining dont get me wrong, loosing weight from anywhere is great but my back? I wasnt anti my back anyway, i mean it cant offend me cause i cant see it (is this where someone writes to tell me actually my back as been making them feel ill for years?) It does its job and keeps me upright most of the time, it appears to have all the bones and i can actually feel them (unlike my hip bones which im sure are still under there somewhere).
Its all progress tho afterall, im just hoping that i dont loose an inch of my big toe next week! I remember when i lost weight last time and the bone in my neck showed, i swear to god it was the first time i had ever seen a bone there, the excitement was almost too much to bear! i ran round telling everyone look at my bone and i kept touching it so much that it was permantly red for the first few weeks,until i found i also had a bone on my wrist then that became my new favourite bone. So what to do this time i mean i am major excited about the whole hand down the back of my trousers thing but i cant walk round work with my hand down there, or say to people 'see how far your hand can go' So i am not going to mention it, except on here of course where i have obviously bragged about it for the last half hour! So this is my new bragging ground, as well as my crying ground, my purging ground and everything else, gawd you guys do have to listen to some nonsense bless you! Right if you will excuse me im just off to stick my hand down the back of my trousers ;) till later xx
Now im sure pretty much all of you read my blog last week when i spent the morning sobbing into my quilt as my quivering belly burst through my trousers and i had to get a bigger pair. Well today i report good news, that i have equalled the score between me and my trousers. Are you ready for this????? Today I........Stuck my hand down the back of my trousers! Up to my elbow no less! Now i know that they are hardly falling off me or anything, and im not quite needing a belt to keep my arse from saying 'peek-a-boo' but this is progress!Im a little complexed as to why my back seems to have shrunk tho and not either of my two bellies. Im not complaining dont get me wrong, loosing weight from anywhere is great but my back? I wasnt anti my back anyway, i mean it cant offend me cause i cant see it (is this where someone writes to tell me actually my back as been making them feel ill for years?) It does its job and keeps me upright most of the time, it appears to have all the bones and i can actually feel them (unlike my hip bones which im sure are still under there somewhere).
Its all progress tho afterall, im just hoping that i dont loose an inch of my big toe next week! I remember when i lost weight last time and the bone in my neck showed, i swear to god it was the first time i had ever seen a bone there, the excitement was almost too much to bear! i ran round telling everyone look at my bone and i kept touching it so much that it was permantly red for the first few weeks,until i found i also had a bone on my wrist then that became my new favourite bone. So what to do this time i mean i am major excited about the whole hand down the back of my trousers thing but i cant walk round work with my hand down there, or say to people 'see how far your hand can go' So i am not going to mention it, except on here of course where i have obviously bragged about it for the last half hour! So this is my new bragging ground, as well as my crying ground, my purging ground and everything else, gawd you guys do have to listen to some nonsense bless you! Right if you will excuse me im just off to stick my hand down the back of my trousers ;) till later xx
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- Obsessed with Calories
9/1/12
So how did i lose so much weight last time? The answer is pure and simple calorie counting, i simply focused on the calories and ignored everything else and it worked, i started on 1600 calories a day and became so obsessed that eventually i reduced myself to between 800-1000 calories a day. When i look back its obvious that going that low and then binging it was going to go back on eventually and here we are 4 stone back on. It as also left me with another lasting effect, i am like a walking calorie counter, i pretty much know how many calories are in literally everything, i also know the best chocolate bars to eat, the lowest sugar fix and ways to trick your body. For a start you will always find grapes in my freezer, cause if you close your eyes and watch tv or something to take your mind off whats in your mouth then you can convince yourself that the frozen grapes are actually boiled sweets, sort of , maybe....but at least it is something in your mouth! Time outs you know the chocolate wafer bar, 85 calories a stick, now if your really obsessed like me you can put it in the fridge, harden it and then eat it layer by layer. Sad aint i? I have even resorted to eating puddings frozen just so that they last longer! Weight watchers puddings of course! I am literally a walking encyclopedia, even to the point of it doing my long suffering bf and my work mates head it. He cannot understand why i will buy something simply for being a few calories less, how i will agonise over how many precise spoonfuls go into my hot chocolate. You see thats the weird thing with me, im either in the zone or not. If i am in the zone nothing can break me, if im feeling a little shaky even a bounty can break me ( and i hate bountys) This is what i mean about it giving me a eating disorder, food to me is no longer enjoyable, even if i enjoy it for the seconds its in my mouth the calories haunt me in my head. I cannot just pick up the cheapest available option in the supermarket and most of all i cant forgive myself. Poor Carol bless her (my work mate) will hear every little detail of what i have done wrong, every lb that as gone on my belly, i self critizise myself daily and beat myself up over every little hiccup. I should just sweep it under the carpet and carry on with my diet, but i cannot! It will cause tears, and guilt, remorse and self hatred over what i consider a major cheat. I was never this way before, i felt that i was me and no-one had ever known me any different, that one chocolate bar would not cause a lifetime of elasticated trousers, that when i was ready it would happen. Now i cant wait for me to be 'ready', now i have to count every calorie, i have even checked headache tablets for calorie contents!!! Drank green tea (just about swallowable if you shut off all your senses) and took laxatives. The really sad thing is that even tho i crave chocolate it is no longer a treat to my mind it is a punishment, a vicious circle in which i readily submit myself too...... now if you excuse me i will just go and check how many calories are in a mars bar xx
So how did i lose so much weight last time? The answer is pure and simple calorie counting, i simply focused on the calories and ignored everything else and it worked, i started on 1600 calories a day and became so obsessed that eventually i reduced myself to between 800-1000 calories a day. When i look back its obvious that going that low and then binging it was going to go back on eventually and here we are 4 stone back on. It as also left me with another lasting effect, i am like a walking calorie counter, i pretty much know how many calories are in literally everything, i also know the best chocolate bars to eat, the lowest sugar fix and ways to trick your body. For a start you will always find grapes in my freezer, cause if you close your eyes and watch tv or something to take your mind off whats in your mouth then you can convince yourself that the frozen grapes are actually boiled sweets, sort of , maybe....but at least it is something in your mouth! Time outs you know the chocolate wafer bar, 85 calories a stick, now if your really obsessed like me you can put it in the fridge, harden it and then eat it layer by layer. Sad aint i? I have even resorted to eating puddings frozen just so that they last longer! Weight watchers puddings of course! I am literally a walking encyclopedia, even to the point of it doing my long suffering bf and my work mates head it. He cannot understand why i will buy something simply for being a few calories less, how i will agonise over how many precise spoonfuls go into my hot chocolate. You see thats the weird thing with me, im either in the zone or not. If i am in the zone nothing can break me, if im feeling a little shaky even a bounty can break me ( and i hate bountys) This is what i mean about it giving me a eating disorder, food to me is no longer enjoyable, even if i enjoy it for the seconds its in my mouth the calories haunt me in my head. I cannot just pick up the cheapest available option in the supermarket and most of all i cant forgive myself. Poor Carol bless her (my work mate) will hear every little detail of what i have done wrong, every lb that as gone on my belly, i self critizise myself daily and beat myself up over every little hiccup. I should just sweep it under the carpet and carry on with my diet, but i cannot! It will cause tears, and guilt, remorse and self hatred over what i consider a major cheat. I was never this way before, i felt that i was me and no-one had ever known me any different, that one chocolate bar would not cause a lifetime of elasticated trousers, that when i was ready it would happen. Now i cant wait for me to be 'ready', now i have to count every calorie, i have even checked headache tablets for calorie contents!!! Drank green tea (just about swallowable if you shut off all your senses) and took laxatives. The really sad thing is that even tho i crave chocolate it is no longer a treat to my mind it is a punishment, a vicious circle in which i readily submit myself too...... now if you excuse me i will just go and check how many calories are in a mars bar xx
Life of an Overeater- Diets and Divorces
8/1/12
So as we all know i have previously been a big 'loser' so what went wrong? Well one thing was my divorce, although it was the right choice and i dont regret it at all now, the first year after our seperation was really hard. There was high emotions, guilt, turmoil over the kids and of course the feeling of failure. I lost my confidence and hid away at home, my emotions was all over the place and of course i had a thousand things to sort out, like who would keep the house, remortgaging and dividing assests. My stress level were at a all time high, had that to the fact that my emotions were swinging like a pendulum going between relief, strength and utter heartbreak. So i did what i always do when things get too much, i ate. Some days i couldnt eat at all it was like my throat had tightened up, others i was like a pig and i ate chocolate like it was going to be banned forever. But i was still loosing weight, obviously it was the stress making my body burn it as soon as i had eaten it, and thats when i broke my diet. In my fat addled head i had cracked it i could eat and still be thin. Of course tho over time things got sorted, i remortgaged my house and my life, we sorted out the kids and things settled down, exceot i carried on eating whatever i wanted. Then i was signed off work sick and of course my days were spent eating, the weight started to go back on.
Now i am extremly happy, in love and content with my what i have and excited for the future the only problem is that i got so content i forgot about my weight until i had almost put it all back on, so here i am now trying to get it back off again, although my reasons for loosing weight this time are very different (one day i will tell you what sparked my initial weightloss-but not yet im not ready) I want to look nice for John, I want him to be proud of me, i dont want my weight to hold me back in what we do and of course we have a holiday to look forward too, just me and John for my 30th in cornwall, a secluded lodge with a hot tub, total relaxation and im hoping for a bit of well you know, so thats why ive aimed for 39lb off by july so both of us can sit in the hot tub with champagne and strawberries and not just me with only room for john's little toe xx
So as we all know i have previously been a big 'loser' so what went wrong? Well one thing was my divorce, although it was the right choice and i dont regret it at all now, the first year after our seperation was really hard. There was high emotions, guilt, turmoil over the kids and of course the feeling of failure. I lost my confidence and hid away at home, my emotions was all over the place and of course i had a thousand things to sort out, like who would keep the house, remortgaging and dividing assests. My stress level were at a all time high, had that to the fact that my emotions were swinging like a pendulum going between relief, strength and utter heartbreak. So i did what i always do when things get too much, i ate. Some days i couldnt eat at all it was like my throat had tightened up, others i was like a pig and i ate chocolate like it was going to be banned forever. But i was still loosing weight, obviously it was the stress making my body burn it as soon as i had eaten it, and thats when i broke my diet. In my fat addled head i had cracked it i could eat and still be thin. Of course tho over time things got sorted, i remortgaged my house and my life, we sorted out the kids and things settled down, exceot i carried on eating whatever i wanted. Then i was signed off work sick and of course my days were spent eating, the weight started to go back on.
Now i am extremly happy, in love and content with my what i have and excited for the future the only problem is that i got so content i forgot about my weight until i had almost put it all back on, so here i am now trying to get it back off again, although my reasons for loosing weight this time are very different (one day i will tell you what sparked my initial weightloss-but not yet im not ready) I want to look nice for John, I want him to be proud of me, i dont want my weight to hold me back in what we do and of course we have a holiday to look forward too, just me and John for my 30th in cornwall, a secluded lodge with a hot tub, total relaxation and im hoping for a bit of well you know, so thats why ive aimed for 39lb off by july so both of us can sit in the hot tub with champagne and strawberries and not just me with only room for john's little toe xx
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- Fat stickwoman
So this picture above (i said i was fat not an artist) is my new tool in dieting. Now i know that i will never be a stickwomen cause lets face it, wouldnt i look boring, but i shouldnt be such a fat stickwomen. This picture now takes pride of place on my fridge, unfortunalty it doesnt oink at me but then the piucture says it all. Plus every friday when i weigh myself i get to (hopefully) colour in some spaces, thats right each space equals a pound and my body is split into 39 pounds as that is my target before i go away for my 30th. The big question is tho wish space to colour in first! I think i have covered all the appropiate places of fat on my body, so maybe it isnt a normal stick man, but its my stick woman and im proud of it :)
I also have another thing to be proud of...... my first shopping trip with no baddies in my trolley, i was so tempted but i resisted and found myself another treat instead....hair stuff :) Now last time it was knickers but i now own so many pairs that its just stupid, plus im hoping my kitchen picker knickers will be too big soon. I was tempted by bra's but hey again im hoping to knock a few inches off my knockers also! So i thought i would focus on something i like about myself, and i do like my hair its the only bit of me thats thin after all so i thought i would treat it as it gets pulled rather alot! This shopping trip i bought myself a bit of hair bling, in the shape of headbands (trust me il try and pull the fashion faux pas off) but the possibilities are endless, bobbles, clip, dye, posh conditioning treatments and maybe when i loose my 39 pounds a new style! Im so smug with myself cause when im messing with my hair im also not in the kitchen eating ( and ive tried eating my hair it gets stuck in my teeth) Watch this space ladies me and my stickwoman are going to have the best year ever.....and just to be doubly backed up ive bought some options hot chocolate for when i really cant take the snickers shakes anymore ;) xx
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- addictive!
6/1/12
Well week number one is over and i have lost 3 pounds! I wanted more but hey at least im losing, you just cant please some women can you! At least i am going in the right direction tho, and hopefully next week will bring me some more loss. This week i have noticed that i have craved chocolate everyday, most mornings i am waking up already planning what my calories will allow me for that day. So i started looking at myself mnore deeper and i have come to the conclusion that I have a major addictive personality! It started when i was looking through my bedroom trying to tidy up, and i counted 64 pairs of knickers! Yes 64! ive got funny ones, 'sexy' ones, thongs, sparkly ones, bridgets you name it its in there!. I didnt always have so many knickers but last time i lost all my weight i found i needed a new addiction, instead of treating myself to food i was buying knickers, the problem is that when i started buying food again i also kept up with the knickers! Then there is magazines i religiously buy 5 magazines without fail, and as for books i have so many that its impossible to even get in one cupboard.
Then there is the obsession with calories, oh the love hate relation between us is a strong turbulant one. I am like a walking information stand on what chocolate is the best to eat, the lowest possible lunch you can get away with. But the funny thing is i have never logged how many calories are in a doughnut, in a bottle of wkd or a big fat fry up, maybe i have conciously avoided them so that if i do eat them i can 'ignore' them as im not sure. Ima funny old creature arent i! So what is my new obsession going to be? I think i can safely say that i have enough knickers to clothe the whole of africa, although im not sure they would like my style, a little african women in a pair of knickers with the honey monster on the front is not something we would normally see after all. So what shall my new obsession be? maybe i should work on my hammocks this time (sorry i meant bra's) but jesus do you know how hard it is to fit my jugs into a nice bra! I have to pretty much fold my nipple over 3 times, scoop my hand under and push them into the cups. this of course means i never have a 'nipple on' from the cold as my nipples are conviently hidden within my huge busoms. Plus i hard bras i mean how restrictive! they breathe a rather loud sigh of relief when they are finally released ar the evening and are free once again to keep my knees warm. So until more weight is lost bra's cannot be the new obsession. However bling is not so weightist.............................xx
Well week number one is over and i have lost 3 pounds! I wanted more but hey at least im losing, you just cant please some women can you! At least i am going in the right direction tho, and hopefully next week will bring me some more loss. This week i have noticed that i have craved chocolate everyday, most mornings i am waking up already planning what my calories will allow me for that day. So i started looking at myself mnore deeper and i have come to the conclusion that I have a major addictive personality! It started when i was looking through my bedroom trying to tidy up, and i counted 64 pairs of knickers! Yes 64! ive got funny ones, 'sexy' ones, thongs, sparkly ones, bridgets you name it its in there!. I didnt always have so many knickers but last time i lost all my weight i found i needed a new addiction, instead of treating myself to food i was buying knickers, the problem is that when i started buying food again i also kept up with the knickers! Then there is magazines i religiously buy 5 magazines without fail, and as for books i have so many that its impossible to even get in one cupboard.
Then there is the obsession with calories, oh the love hate relation between us is a strong turbulant one. I am like a walking information stand on what chocolate is the best to eat, the lowest possible lunch you can get away with. But the funny thing is i have never logged how many calories are in a doughnut, in a bottle of wkd or a big fat fry up, maybe i have conciously avoided them so that if i do eat them i can 'ignore' them as im not sure. Ima funny old creature arent i! So what is my new obsession going to be? I think i can safely say that i have enough knickers to clothe the whole of africa, although im not sure they would like my style, a little african women in a pair of knickers with the honey monster on the front is not something we would normally see after all. So what shall my new obsession be? maybe i should work on my hammocks this time (sorry i meant bra's) but jesus do you know how hard it is to fit my jugs into a nice bra! I have to pretty much fold my nipple over 3 times, scoop my hand under and push them into the cups. this of course means i never have a 'nipple on' from the cold as my nipples are conviently hidden within my huge busoms. Plus i hard bras i mean how restrictive! they breathe a rather loud sigh of relief when they are finally released ar the evening and are free once again to keep my knees warm. So until more weight is lost bra's cannot be the new obsession. However bling is not so weightist.............................xx
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- OMG the girl as willpower!
5/1/12
Morning peeps! I am happy to report a better day yesterday, one sure enough faced with temptations but i avoided them all! First was a tin of quality sweets that was passed around- i passed them straight past me! whoop whoop give the girl a carrot stick! The second was a cake or rather shall i say 3 cakes, it is tradition at our place to bring in cakes on your birthday so today i was offered a cake, there was doughnuts- jam filled sugar coated pieces of heaven that might have well just jumped straight on my thighs. Then there was muffins, light and fluffy with tiny bits of chocolate yum yum, but they was destined for my second chin. So i went for the 3rd option, a weightwatchers blueberry slice at a mere 81 calories! Who said you cant have your cake and eat it! That isnt to say that while the jam was oozing out of other peoples doughnuts i didnt want to lie underneath them to catch a stray drop- but i didnt! Even i am not that desperate for a sugar fix- yet!
So i have been trying to think of a exercise that i can stick to and have time to do, easier said than done! Im a big fan of the wii fit but at the moment it seems to be monopolised by the kids, so hey kids listen here mummy is the fat one not you so give me that remote or im going to paddy that its my turn! Logically tho i cant take the kids toy off them, plus it is in their bedrooms and i dont want john to think that there is a bomb hitting the house everytime i 'daintily' step off the balance board. So im open to ideas guys, I have thought about running but again its the time and the fact that if im honest i dont want everyone laughing at the chunk monster running down the road, boobs hitting my eyes and my arse cheeks flapping in the wind. Then i thought of kick boxing, cause you know for a fat chick i can get my leg up pretty high! Would love to be able to kick some ass too, but until I find a punching bag the fridge is just going to have to take the beating instead :)
So where does this leave me? A fat, wobbly big boobed lump who can kick pretty high and dances like beyonce?( i wish although my arse would give her a run for her money) theres only one thing for it, kids give me that bloody wii and John reinforce the ceiling :) xx
Morning peeps! I am happy to report a better day yesterday, one sure enough faced with temptations but i avoided them all! First was a tin of quality sweets that was passed around- i passed them straight past me! whoop whoop give the girl a carrot stick! The second was a cake or rather shall i say 3 cakes, it is tradition at our place to bring in cakes on your birthday so today i was offered a cake, there was doughnuts- jam filled sugar coated pieces of heaven that might have well just jumped straight on my thighs. Then there was muffins, light and fluffy with tiny bits of chocolate yum yum, but they was destined for my second chin. So i went for the 3rd option, a weightwatchers blueberry slice at a mere 81 calories! Who said you cant have your cake and eat it! That isnt to say that while the jam was oozing out of other peoples doughnuts i didnt want to lie underneath them to catch a stray drop- but i didnt! Even i am not that desperate for a sugar fix- yet!
So i have been trying to think of a exercise that i can stick to and have time to do, easier said than done! Im a big fan of the wii fit but at the moment it seems to be monopolised by the kids, so hey kids listen here mummy is the fat one not you so give me that remote or im going to paddy that its my turn! Logically tho i cant take the kids toy off them, plus it is in their bedrooms and i dont want john to think that there is a bomb hitting the house everytime i 'daintily' step off the balance board. So im open to ideas guys, I have thought about running but again its the time and the fact that if im honest i dont want everyone laughing at the chunk monster running down the road, boobs hitting my eyes and my arse cheeks flapping in the wind. Then i thought of kick boxing, cause you know for a fat chick i can get my leg up pretty high! Would love to be able to kick some ass too, but until I find a punching bag the fridge is just going to have to take the beating instead :)
So where does this leave me? A fat, wobbly big boobed lump who can kick pretty high and dances like beyonce?( i wish although my arse would give her a run for her money) theres only one thing for it, kids give me that bloody wii and John reinforce the ceiling :) xx
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- trousergate
4/1/12
Yesterday was a bad day :( i am mortified, ashamed, embarressed and tearful still. I am almost regretting saying i will be so blunt, but whats the point of lying now? when i have committed myself to this and i have to face up to the challenges however they may be. Its been a hard few weeks, filled with little sleep, tantrums and of course temptation. It was christmas and i did indulge just like everyone else, i probably shouldnt have ate a terry chocolate orange or had a drink or two everynight- but i did, i cant take it back now. However i didnt wait till new year to start my diet, my self set challenge I started almost a week ago, I spent new years eating weightwatchers meals and drinking tea instead of wine, i have been so good and how was i repayed?
My trousers broke... there i said it, i am such a fat heifer that i couldnt do the zip up and then the zip came off its runner. I sobbed my heart out sitting on the edge of the bed and realising that i have really lost my body, the thought of anyone knowing almost led me to cancel my internet connection. In that moment i truely hated myself and my body, if i had a knife handy im sure i would have cut that bloody belly off, stuck my fingers down my throat, anything to get into them trousers. But obviously i didnt, i got a bigger pair of trousers :( Nothing says fat chick like a belly bulging out of a zip hole. I spent most of the day crying, I know its not the end of the world I have so much to be thankful for, but what really really upset me was the fact that here i am sobbing on the bed and im thinking 'if only i could have a chocolate bar to make me feel better'. That thought made me cry harder cause i know that i can yoyo up and down all my life but short of a lobtomy my comfort will always be found in a purple wrapper. So i need to find another comfort, i dont know what yet, but i need something that when the going gets tough gives me a little lift but doesnt add inches to my thighs. Retraining of the brain is in order i think and like any addict it isnt going to be easy, but today as sad as i was i didnt cheat and trust me i came very close! The fact remains tho i didnt cheat, i just sat there wiping away my salty tears and wishing i was crying calories, lets hope today is a better day xx
Yesterday was a bad day :( i am mortified, ashamed, embarressed and tearful still. I am almost regretting saying i will be so blunt, but whats the point of lying now? when i have committed myself to this and i have to face up to the challenges however they may be. Its been a hard few weeks, filled with little sleep, tantrums and of course temptation. It was christmas and i did indulge just like everyone else, i probably shouldnt have ate a terry chocolate orange or had a drink or two everynight- but i did, i cant take it back now. However i didnt wait till new year to start my diet, my self set challenge I started almost a week ago, I spent new years eating weightwatchers meals and drinking tea instead of wine, i have been so good and how was i repayed?
My trousers broke... there i said it, i am such a fat heifer that i couldnt do the zip up and then the zip came off its runner. I sobbed my heart out sitting on the edge of the bed and realising that i have really lost my body, the thought of anyone knowing almost led me to cancel my internet connection. In that moment i truely hated myself and my body, if i had a knife handy im sure i would have cut that bloody belly off, stuck my fingers down my throat, anything to get into them trousers. But obviously i didnt, i got a bigger pair of trousers :( Nothing says fat chick like a belly bulging out of a zip hole. I spent most of the day crying, I know its not the end of the world I have so much to be thankful for, but what really really upset me was the fact that here i am sobbing on the bed and im thinking 'if only i could have a chocolate bar to make me feel better'. That thought made me cry harder cause i know that i can yoyo up and down all my life but short of a lobtomy my comfort will always be found in a purple wrapper. So i need to find another comfort, i dont know what yet, but i need something that when the going gets tough gives me a little lift but doesnt add inches to my thighs. Retraining of the brain is in order i think and like any addict it isnt going to be easy, but today as sad as i was i didnt cheat and trust me i came very close! The fact remains tho i didnt cheat, i just sat there wiping away my salty tears and wishing i was crying calories, lets hope today is a better day xx
Life of an Overeater- I dont want to be a fat mum
3/1/12
Ok so yesterday i told you about how i dont want to be the ugly sister anymore, today is reason number 2 I want to loose weight. Its simple really the picture above shows it all, i dont want to be a fat mum to George, Eloise or Sam. They will always be my babies but they are growing up so fast in fact George is going to high school this year and trust me I know how cruel kids can be. I dont want them to have to teased because of me (its a sad world when this is the case isnt it?) I dont want them to suffer cause i cant control what i put in my mouth. Now im not saying I want to be a 'stifler mum' but i would like to look nice and i suppose normal ( I hate that word but hey being overweight is not seen as normal anymore) My fat may have kept them warm in the womb and given them something to cry and snuggle against but no more. Now they need a mum that isnt going to break a swing, that wont dribble while on the trampoline (although maybe they caused that!) that is boring to go on a seesaw with cause even with all 3 of them on the other side it just wont rise. As i have mentioned before George is now extremly careful not to call me fat, instead he continiously tells me im overgrown, Eloise is so sensitive about what other people say, she had a friend round the other day who in her childhood innocense remarked that i was fat. Eloise looked horrified, whispered an apology in my ear and reassured me i wasnt fat at all. Thing is my kids shouldnt have to lie for me, until everyone stops being so predijuced that is what they feel they need to do. I have always hoped that my kids would take after my sisters, and judging by their blonde hair it looks like maybe they will. Maybe now tho I would like them to take after me to be determined, friendly and accepting of everyone.This blog as shown me so much, i have had such support and reassurance, i feel like i am liked and that i do belong somewhere, that people are right by my side as i take on this epic challenge but are also there to help me when i fall. to each and everyone of you and you know who you are, words just aint enough xx But i will set them a good example and show them that no matter what they are loved and to me they are perfect........now i have to go and try and squeeze in them bloody work trousers, wish me luck guys xx be back later xx
Monday, 2 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- The ugly sister
2/1/12
So day number 5 for me and although im being really really strict, i am suffering big time! Just a few more days and my stomach will realise I am not going to give in to its tantrums. So i thought i would focus on exactly why I want to loose weight. And the photo above is just 1 of the reasons! Spot the odd one out? Yeah me too! From day one i was the different sister, i assure you I am of the same parentage just for some reason i seem to have got the dark fat gene and my sisters seem to have the skinny blonde one. My mum had this photo done for her birthday and when i first saw it i thought it looked like some random dude had ran in off the street and crashed a photo session, unfortunatly that dude was me.And that dude even had such a fat face you couldnt see her eyes and she also ended up looking a bit chinese. To think that picture takes pride of place on my mums wall! Sometimes it can be hard being the 'underdog' or in my sisters shadows, no one ever puts me in the same family, sometimes people even compare me too them. People meet my sisters and when they mention that they have another sister they expect a carbon copy of them, and then i appear, suprise! they certainly broke the mold with me. I admit part of me as always wanted to look like them to be slim, blonde light eyed and beautiful. I imagine a few ex boyfriends have even thought 'geez i chose the wrong sister'. Growing up I always felt i should be more like them, to copy how they dressed and act the same although my mum bless her as always told me i am who i am and we are all beautiful in our different ways. It is hard sometimes to believe this tho when the world tells me i should look like my sisters.
It does have its good points tho, for a start no one as ever forgotten which sister i am. They get the others confused very easily but me with my dark hair, eyes, big boobs and big mouth to match is quite easily the remberable one, once youve met me you never forget me! When i slimmed down last time, i even attempted to dye my hair lighter to see if i could look like them, it wasnt to be i just ended up looking a bit ginger and soon resorted to a bottle of crimson passion to go back to the real me. This time there will be no silly attempts to look like them, this time i just want to be a sexbomb! I know I know i have a distance to go but at least then i will be known as the 'dark sister' not the 'fat sister' back later xx
It does have its good points tho, for a start no one as ever forgotten which sister i am. They get the others confused very easily but me with my dark hair, eyes, big boobs and big mouth to match is quite easily the remberable one, once youve met me you never forget me! When i slimmed down last time, i even attempted to dye my hair lighter to see if i could look like them, it wasnt to be i just ended up looking a bit ginger and soon resorted to a bottle of crimson passion to go back to the real me. This time there will be no silly attempts to look like them, this time i just want to be a sexbomb! I know I know i have a distance to go but at least then i will be known as the 'dark sister' not the 'fat sister' back later xx
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Life of an Overeater- A very sober new years!
1/1/12
Happy new year everyone! I hope that you had a fantastic start to new year and i imagine plenty of you are waking up to the realisation that then chocs are now forbidden. Me I started days ago and boy am i finding it tough, the first few days are always the worst as your stomach shrinks and realises that no matter how much it growls all its going to get is water or tea. I spent most of yesterday on the loo- dont worry not with that end i wouldnt be so lucky! But weeing like a race horse cause i drank cuppa after cuppa after cuppa to try and bloat me so i wouldnt snack. Last night was the first new years eve i have ever spent sober (except when pregnant) we sat played games and watched tv while everyone else ate celebrations and biscuits and cake and i had a cup of tea! This morning i have woke up already dreaming of my lunch! But it will be worth it i know it will, im hoping to have a great year and i have many things to aim for. Im turning 30 in july and me and the bf are thinking of having a long weekend away at some log cabin with a hot tub, and trust me even though it will only be the two of us i do not want to be fat at 30, i want to be proud and stand in front of the camera not hide away like i did on holiday last year. Im also hoping after almost a year of waiting that my divorce will come through and im thinking big celebrations then- maybe a divorce party? A picture of me cutting a cake with only the bride on top? a cake i will not be eating mind!
This year holds plenty of promises for me, indeed some i am not sure will happen. A few years ago i went to see a physic, he told me some things that i will only know if their true if it happens this year after i turn 30, just incase it does i want to look my best! So my new years resolution is not only to loose weight but also to change the way i feel inside, to try my best no matter what and to try at least two new things..... not food obviously....now keep me away from that kitchen xx
Happy new year everyone! I hope that you had a fantastic start to new year and i imagine plenty of you are waking up to the realisation that then chocs are now forbidden. Me I started days ago and boy am i finding it tough, the first few days are always the worst as your stomach shrinks and realises that no matter how much it growls all its going to get is water or tea. I spent most of yesterday on the loo- dont worry not with that end i wouldnt be so lucky! But weeing like a race horse cause i drank cuppa after cuppa after cuppa to try and bloat me so i wouldnt snack. Last night was the first new years eve i have ever spent sober (except when pregnant) we sat played games and watched tv while everyone else ate celebrations and biscuits and cake and i had a cup of tea! This morning i have woke up already dreaming of my lunch! But it will be worth it i know it will, im hoping to have a great year and i have many things to aim for. Im turning 30 in july and me and the bf are thinking of having a long weekend away at some log cabin with a hot tub, and trust me even though it will only be the two of us i do not want to be fat at 30, i want to be proud and stand in front of the camera not hide away like i did on holiday last year. Im also hoping after almost a year of waiting that my divorce will come through and im thinking big celebrations then- maybe a divorce party? A picture of me cutting a cake with only the bride on top? a cake i will not be eating mind!
This year holds plenty of promises for me, indeed some i am not sure will happen. A few years ago i went to see a physic, he told me some things that i will only know if their true if it happens this year after i turn 30, just incase it does i want to look my best! So my new years resolution is not only to loose weight but also to change the way i feel inside, to try my best no matter what and to try at least two new things..... not food obviously....now keep me away from that kitchen xx
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