angry, mardy and fed up

Im so fed up right now, and very angry with the world. I know im being unreasonable but everything is going wrong yet again and im feeling so down, all i want to do is stuff my face if im honest, loose myself in calories, transfat, carbs, sat fat and just plain fat!!! Last night after a really hard day i sat down to watch tv, i was feeling quite proud that despite having had the day from hell i was sticking to my diet, only to be confronted by a tv show. Not just any tv show, a awful fatist programme entitled ' can fat teens hunt?' . I was so angry! No wonder i feel that i am a second class citizen, no wonder i feel that i have to be 'perfect'. Why cant the programme just be about teens? I mean last time i checked, in fact even when i was a teenager, all teens are lazy, think they know it all and quite frankly would struggle to do a weekly food shop let alone hunt! So why was the need to focus on fat teens? Are they saying that fat teens are the only ones that expect their dinner to placed infront of them? It sums up everything i am feeling right now, why cant i just be a normal person? ok so im packing a lot more than i should be, i probably am unfit but ultimately i am a human being! I have bad days, i have good days and no matter which day im on, my choices should be my choices and I really shouldnt have to explain myself! The media goes on and on about anorexia and eating disorders how about you stop going on about weight and let everyone just be who they want to be!!!! xx

Food Porn

So I have been without the internet recently so sorry i am so behind, but I have almost managed to get through easter, the kids eggs are still everywhere and after family do's etc the weeks have been tough. I have been good tho, I had one little slip but i got straight back on it and have been exercising loads. I decided enough was enough i need to get off my huge bum and do something, so the wii as been used daily for a week now, i fully intend to carry it on as well. Thing is i'm not perfect like I said I had a slip and i should have kept up the exercise from day one but I really want to look good and feel good and get sterilized! The only thing is I cant stop teasing myself! Since having the internet back I have been browsing the internet for food! Sad I know, but I cant buy cause I have no money so Im purely looking. Its like porn for dieters, there are sites with mouth watering fudge, chocolate boxes and of course it would be rude not to go on the thorntons website to see all the reduced easter eggs! I spend my days avoiding shops that will tip me over the edge, and yet i spend my evenings drooling over peanut butter fudge! Why do i do it? Its torture but in a weird way its also about facing my demons, its about looking but not touching, its about having two internet windows open, one selling chocolate, the other selling shoes and deciding which on would make my arse look smaller! xx

Easter Torture!

Happy Easter everyone! So how am I doing? The self confessed chocoholic! Well I'm pleased to report that so far I have been very good, that's not to say I haven't found it hard. Yesterday was particularly tough, we have family down from various locations and its busy seeing them all and socialising, but I have not once fell off the wagon, I even volunteered to be designated driver so that I have a good excuse not to drink. Today is obviously Easter Sunday, and I'm very nervous if I'm honest there is going to be chocolate everywhere i turn. I cannot promise right now that I am going to be good but that is my aim, I went shopping earlier in the week and stocked up on fish and sugar free jellies and even though I do have a Easter egg (a double decker one!) I don't intend to eat it, when i next get weighed I will then treat myself to a little bit of egg and that is the way it will be eaten over the next few weeks. I tell you now that will be the longest a Easter egg as ever lasted in my life! I remember one Easter when i was little, I cant have been more than 8 and I had been sent to bed for being naughty (nothing changes hey!) What my mother failed to remember was my Easter eggs were in my bedroom! Needless to say I wasn't too bothered about being sent to bed! I seem to remember a 'My little pony' egg with a mug being very enjoyable! So wish me luck guys I'm going to need it! xx

Ive turned my boyfriend into a secret eater!

Ok so i myself am talking about how obsessive i have become and now i appear to be getting worse! Im obviously not improving cause i caught my boyfriend eating! That's right CAUGHT, he was hiding away in the kitchen trying to sneakily eat so i wouldn't notice! Now my boyfriend is perfect in my eyes, i have never put him on a diet and i have never said anything about what he eats, so why the secret eating????? He feels he cant eat food in front of me especially if it is 'forbidden' food. I mean jesus i'm not that bad am i? What does he think i will do? Rugby tackle him to the floor and steal it off him? Lick it off his lips as i am so possessed by the sight of chocolate? Or scold him for eating non diet food? Of course not, for a start i can be scary when i am detoxing from all those oh so terrible, full of fat, sugary but oh so gorgeous treats but i have never stopped anyone else from eating. In fact i have to buy it! Bless him he said he just wanted to support me,and hes been so good but i dont need him to stop him being himself, i just need him to respect my diet and take his hands OFF MY SUGAR FREE JELLY!

The secret behind my weight

OK so i said one day i would feel ready to share the full story of why i am so obsessed with loosing weight, binging and feel that i have developed an eating disorder. Today i feel ready to share the whole story. As i have said before i was always big from a little girl and although at times it bothered me, i kind of got used to being big, no one expected me any other way and i generally found that people just accepted me the way i was. Then i lost 7 stone and became less confident, paranoid and began to have a fear of both zips and buttons! So why did i start the weight loss journey in the first place?
One night my now ex husband and i was in bed, when he turned to me and said 'do you think you should loose weight i fancy a change?' that one sentence changed my life. I never said anything at the time, i was that shocked, i always thought seen as i had always been big that it never really bothered him, i was so upset but i didn't say a word, i went to sleep angry, upset and determined. I was going to loose weight i would show him! And so began my weight loss, from that night, in the middle of January i became obsessed, the very next morning i started my diet. It was a huge turning point for me, i think he thought that i would loose a few pounds and give up, after all i had a reputation for doing that, but i was going to get that weight off. Unfortunately i feel it also became the reason for my divorce. The more weight i lost the more i got noticed by men, and if I'm honest i liked it, I'm not proud and i wasn't unfaithful but i began paying attention to other men, i lapped it up i suppose, my ex however was not impressed. Suddenly i was going out all the time and of course the attention was all flattering now. We had one argument after another, one day i let rip about how much his words had hurt me and stayed with me, he apologised and said he never meant it to come out the way it did. To be honest i don't believe he did mean it maliciously, but the damage had already been done as they say. He wasn't trusting me and i was still angry with him and out to prove something, i just didn't know what yet.
That was the start of the end of our marriage i believe, along with him being made redundant, the pressures of life and me feeling somehow that something was missing. It is also why now i am so paranoid about my weight, i met my current boyfriend slim and i have got larger, he swears that it doesn't bother him but i will always feel the pressure to be what i was when he first met me, a depressive mess but a slim one at that. I am trying so hard to get back my confidence but i feel that now i know what it felt like to be 'normal' to be seen as Julie not fat Julie that i will never feel completely happy in my body ever again. xx

tick tock tick tock

So after my horrendous weight gain Tuesday I am back on it like a ninja, the moment i stood on them scales still haunts my dreams now and I am so gutted that I got so far to only put some back on again, this week I really want the damage to have been undone. I think the last few weeks have been particularly bad because I had nothing to look forward too, everything was falling apart around me and I just thought whats the point. How I regret it now, cause everything can change in a week! Don't get me wrong things have yet again been very tough Ive had moment of despair but then we got some really good news! My marvellous boyfriend had a rebate in his wage slip and you know what that means.....MY 30th BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IS BACK ON!!!!!!!! Can i undo the damage tho so that I don't look like a hippo with make up on in the hot tub? Can I get back on track so I'm not sat on the beach covered up???? The pressure is on! I have to loose every week to reach my self set target , Ive got till July and I still have 2 stone 4lbs to go! Even I am beginning to think that might be a push, well it wasn't until I binged and got drunk on chocolate! The clock is ticking and the clothes need to get looser! The clock is ticking and I need to get my confidence back. The clock is ticking and I need to be happy with myself xxxx

The going gets tough

So last night was weigh day, I knew I had done terrible, I have to hold my hands up and say the diet did not go to plan last week, things got too much and I was shovelling food in my mouth without even tasting it.If I am honest it felt good while i was eating it, even afterwards for a little while the glow of food stayed with me, it sounds stupid but it made me feel normal, i mean isn't that what most people do when they feel down, they comfort eat. However most normal people aren't huge like me, needless to say after some sleep the guilt hit hard, i tried so hard to recover from my binge but I had binged too hard. The result was I put on 4lb! That's bigger than my youngest son was at birth! I feel fatter as well, last night sat there I could've just cried my eyes out, walked out and eat myself to a big enough weight for a gastric band op. Talking too the other women helped tho, with hints and confessions of my own I managed to turn it around, Ive still lost 9lb, i just have to work extra hard now, so some early mornings are the order of the day for me as that's the only time I have to get some exercise in, next week it will be different, it as to be different because i cant keep looking in the mirror and seeing a moon face staring back at me, I cant keep looking in the mirror with disgust and feeling piles of fatty flesh while I'm in the bath. Things are tough at the moment so nows the time i really see if I am stronger than i think xxx

im ready to give up

I know its been a while since i wrote my blog, but there is a reason for this. I am really struggling, go back to last week and i was so determined, so ready to face this, so happy with the direction i was heading. fast forward to this week and I'm a mess. I was really ill last week and i was certain i had got my stone, now i feel i may have put on. Last night i had a pizza and 2 glasses of wine. I am so disappointed in myself. After i finally recovered from my illness i felt so very down, everything was getting on top of me and I felt sore and bloated. No excuse i know but i am a depressive and I rely on my mood if that makes sense to get me through the days. Not getting my divorce as hit me hard and I have decided that tomorrow I am finally going to say why the divorce means so much to me. It is a very personal blog but i need you all to understand why i have fell apart so hard. This morning I feel down, how can i get so close and then risk it all? How can i recover now? I'm upset and ashamed to go on Tuesday and I am contemplating giving up for good. I am a greedy cow and I use food, I really needed something to feel better about myself and it worked for the first Friday in weeks I actually felt that i was celebrating getting through a week. I felt that i could relax and let myself have a laugh, this morning I am paying the price. Please help me I need some sort of detox anything to get me to Tuesday, if I fail now I will have let everyone down. xxx

trousers-1 me-1

12/2/12
Good morning! I'm a little happy for a Monday! I know I'm a psycho but I'm sure many of you will remember a blog from the beginning of January when i tried to put my work trousers on after Christmas and my belly burst through the zip breaking it. I was so upset as i went yet another size up. Well i kept the trousers and i fixed the zip, they sat on the side of my dressing table, staring at me, making me feel a mixture of disgust and determination. Today i got them back on!!!!! They are not particularly tight either, that ain't to say they are baggy but they are on and not in any danger of breaking, or if they do it will because of my dodgy fixing skills! I feel so happy, to get them trousers on is a big deal to me, they are still a few sizes bigger than i would like, but for once i am going back down the sizes not up them! So we are equal the trousers and i, they broke on me and made me realise what a fat hefalump i am, and now i am wearing them again. However I'm still not happy, cause i wanted to uneven the score, i want to get rid of them trousers because they are too big, for too long they have taunted me and now Ive had enough, so little goals is the way to go and here's mine. I want to get my 1 stone award and I'm hoping it will be this week, then i want my 1 and a half stone, then comes the next size down work trousers, 2 stone and wearing a proper pair of jeans- i have them upstairs ready and waiting, by real jeans i mean ones with zips and buttons not elasticated waists. These are my goals for now. I never ever want to have to write another blog where clothes have broke on me, i want to just get slimmer and more confident again, i want to wear my red high heels and scream look at me! xxxx

The skeletons under my bed

9/2/12
So here comes another blog when i am going to be mortified that i have shared all this with you, but im sticking by my promise to be honest. Honesty is what is going to change my mindset when it comes to food so bare with me and please don't judge. Yesterday i was looking for a dvd, after searching all the 'obvious' places i decided to move my bed just to check it wasn't under there. So I  moved my bed and was suddenly faced with my eating disorder in a nut shell....under my bed was a box of dairy milk, two picknmix tubs, sweet wrappers, ice cream tubs, cake wrappers and lolly sticks all empty of course, next to this pile of binge was a towel covered in smudged mascara. I can remember the day the towel got under the bed, i was eating a tub of ben and jerrys while crying my eyes out at what i had become, how tough life was at that moment, i would wipe my eyes and shove another mouthful of ice cream in, desperate to heal the pain i was feeling at that time, when i had an unexpected visitor and the towel got shoved under the bed. The shock of seeing the extent of my obsession with food shocked me, i honestly have no idea how much time that took to build up,  but if I'm honest it wasn't a long time. Many people have asked why i am doing this blog, and the mess under my bed is really why i am writing it, cause if it was bags of sick, or full bags of food people would get worried, they would cart me off to a doctors and i would get help, but this is the other eating disorder, this is using food as a weapon, to make yourself feel happy and then get the feelings of guilt and unworth afterwards. So why didn't i just stop buying the food and why hide it? The answer is pure and simple embarrassment. Who wants to admit that food to me is like a razor blade? That i can't live without my drug? But i cant admit it so i would not eat in public but then stuff it into my fat face when i was alone. I am happy to admit that nothing as been hidden under the bed since before Christmas, that's not to say that at times i have been severely tempted to eat like that again, but now i am trying to control myself, i still hate walking into a shop- the temptation is everywhere but now i am trying to re-educate myself. Just because i am a big girl does not mean i cant eat, i have to eat but now i have to eat the good things, the treats should be just that- occasional and within reason. Its a long hard road but seeing those skeletons under my bed as shocked me, so from now on if you come round to visit feel free to look under my bed cause the only thing you will find there now is dust xxxx

Who needs birthday cake?

7/3/12
Well i can completely over the moon! Last night i lost 6lb which so made everything i missed out on last week food wise so so worth it. I never expected 6lb it was behind my wildest dreams and i felt so good and so empowered that i am not succumbed like i normally would have done in a party situation. This week i can going to work extra hard yet again because i so want to loose more, if i can loose at least 1lb next week i get my stone award and i cannot describe how that makes me feel, i think only people that have ever had a weight problem can understand the hard work, determination and pride you get when that first stone comes off, its almost like a sign that you are honestly on your way to the person you want to be. At this moment it feels so achievable and i know i am still going to have hard weeks and things still aren't rosy in every part of my life but hey lets be honest i weigh 13 pound less than i did 3 weeks ago and it feels great. That two average size babies! It also means i am getting closer to getting the go ahead to be sterilized i honestly cannot put into words how much it means to me to loose weight, its more than wanting to look sexy, its even more than wanting to be healthier its about being someone people dont judge, a mum that looks good for her kids, its about not getting upset every time i put an outfit on cause i look like a mountain wrapped in a tent., its about finally feeling im worth something. And if i could bottle that feeling i would be a millionaire xxxx

I deverse a weightloss this week!

Well if i do say so myself i have been so good all week that i will promptly burst into tears if i don't lose weight Tuesday night, i have been very very good and not only that but i have avoided 3 birthday cakes, i made all the food for Sam's party and didn't have any of it, in fact there is still some cake left on the side and i am not having any. I have lived like a saint all week. I have been down  but I'm hoping that i am now on the up, i am so focused on loosing my weight my now, it as become even more important to me as i cannot get sterilised until my bmi drops to 35. That is not to say that i haven't found it hard this week, i am a over eater, i am greedy and to be honest if a slug was covered in chocolate i would probably suck the chocolate off! But i made my own turkey burgers from scratch and i didn't put them in a batch, instead i had a lettuce leaf either side, hows that for dedication??? Can you even begin to understand how hard it was for me to stand by a buffet filled with cakes, doughnuts, muffins, cheese straws, sausage rolls and biscuits to keep my fat fingers away? Seriously if it wasn't for the fact that my chins wobbling every time i drooled i may have just pinched a little, but i figure i seriously need to change my way of thinking, if i can loose 3 stone by the time i reach 30 how great will i feel? and surely i will deserve a birthday cake of my own by then? As a one off mind before i get straight back on it.So please if there is anyone up there after the past month of hell you have made me endure at least make my abstinence from all my favourite foods this week have been worth it! Anything less than 2 pounds will be met by a stomping, fat jiggling, bingo wing flapping paddy xxxx

send willpower my way!

3/2/12
Firstly apologies that so many days have passed without a blog, my baby boy as been poorly most of the week and i have had very little sleep, on the times i was awake i was cleaning up sick and dealing with a broken washing machine. Anyway im glad to report that the diet is going really well this week, i have been very good despite being my time of the month so im hopeful that tuesday will be a loss, a loss i so despertly want! But i need you all to send me some willpower cause tomorrow is my baby boys birthday! Sam will be 5 and hes having a party, now im confident i will not pick at the buffet food but what worries me is avoiding his birthday cake! I am a big cake monster and i know its going to kill me not to have any but really do i want to spoil my dream of being thin, of being accepted and being able to wear my red heels with pride over a piece of cake? I know i dont really need any and i know that there will be other birthday cakes but being the greedy over eater that i am it is going to be hard to resist. So i need some willpower sending my way cause while my whole world is falling apart around me at the moment the one thing i can control is my weight and i will not be one of those women that are stuck in their beds unable to have a life xxx

some luck please

29/2/12
So last night was weigh day after a terrible week and me having come on a week early i was relieved to have just stayed the same, of course i was a little gutted too its only my second week after all but i am determined to have a good week this time. Thing is someone up there obviously as it in for me, knowing that i am an emotional eater the stress im under at the moment seems destined to have me running to chocolate, im trying my hardest to stay away after all look where chocolate got me last time, a big huge mess that hates the way i look in everything i wear. To be able to wear a pair of jeans that arent elasticated, to be confident enough to wear my red high heels again and not be ashamed of who i am would be lovely. But then i suppose so would winning the lottery, a good nights sleep and a cleaner. Last night i had no sleep, sam is poorly i know it isnt his fault, but ive just had to pay to get a car fixed, his birthday is sunday and i cant really afford to miss another day off work. Still when i signed up to have children i swore i would put them first, so today i am missing out on a days wages cause my baby needs me. However this week i have also realised i am quite a selfish person, i never thought i was before, but that was before my sexy weekend for my birthday came under threat, the funds just aint there and unless i get a miracle soon it will have to be cancelled. Im so upset about it, ive never had a holiday on my own and i was so looking forward to it, it was supposed to be my goal, my aim my one treat and i am seriously worried it just isnt going to happen. Then just to get my depressive self in an even more mess, the doctors have insisted i drop my antidepressants and the court have refused my divorce petition for the 3rd time. Is it too much to just want to be divorced? I want to be miss shore again not legally and married woman, of course money always comes into it and if i had the money to pay for it i could be divorced quick time, but no like everyone else in this country i am struggling on the edge just to keep me house. Sorry for a depressive post  but i have to get this out, cry all my tears and focus on the one thing i can do right now and thats lose some of this extra baggage i am carrying around xxx

These things are sent to try us :(

27/2/12
Ok now i am certain that i will have put on weight tuesday, it will be a miracle if i loose, cause things have gone terribly wrong. First of all i have come on, great nice and early and so so unwanted, then yesterday was the most stressful day of year so far. I had a busy day as usual what with having 3 kids and 2 stepchild over for the day it was always going to be busy. So Sam had a party 1-3, george had to go to his friends 2-6 and my stepchildren needed to be back at their mums over coventry at 6pm. So i took Sam to the party and left him there to get back and ferry george around, just as i was coming down the bypass my brakes went. I was scared and pissed off as i very carefully got my car back home, only to find that the brake pipe had wore away, so i no longer have a car. As if that wasnt bad enough, sam was stuck at the wacky and we had the stepkids to get back home. I completely fell apart, sobbing through the afternoon, things are really tough at the minute as it is, i cant afford to get the car fixed and im supposed to be at the doctors this afternoon. Thing is with me, i put on weight when i stress, its almost like my body just to get that one last kick while im down makes me hold on to every fat module i own when im stressing. I think i was the only bride in the world that put on weight before her wedding.Ive woke up this morning feeling like crap, tried worn out bloated and with red eyes, when am i going to get a break? I could just curl up in ball and hide from the world right now, so tomorrows weigh day will probably be a wash out, thats if i get there at all xxx

dieting on a saturday night

26/2/12
Got to say that last night was one of the worse Saturday nights i have had in a long time, Ive had a tough week, I'm due on and i didn't have any kids what i wanted was to have a few bottles of wkd, some sweets and a film, what i had instead was a tub of sugar free jelly, a bottle of water and a early night. For the first time last night since Christmas i really fancied a drink, i was all over the place and a little upset cause my bf  found out my weight. I know sounds stupid doesn't it, this is the man who practically knows everything about me, hes seen the labels in my clothes, Jesus Ive sat on him enough times for him to have a far idea of what a hippo i am, but one thing is sacred to me, and that is what i actually weigh. Until last night only myself and the consultant at my slimming club knew my weight, now my bf does. What do i think it will change? I don't know, but i am really upset about it, feeling down and of course embarrassed, being the kind of gal i am i always thought i could make myself look nice no matter what i weigh, but now i feel like he is just going to see these numbers every time he looks at me. To me weight is a very personal thing, (says the girl whose telling the world what a fatty i am) but those numbers represent so much to me, i feel stripped bear and now under so much more pressure to get the weight off. Add to the fact that i accidentally cheated in the week and i am feeling pretty low, how can i fail this early on? When is someone going to make it ok to be large and loved? xxx

help ive accidentally cheated :(

23/2/12
OK i am mightily p***ed off! after my successful week last week i was determined to carry on the good work, unfortunately my enthusiasm didn't take into account the fact that i am dumbass. Trying to be really good i decided this week i am going to drink lots of water, so because i am not that fond of water i bought some flavoured water. All great and it was going down a treat, then i ran out.....So i went to asda and got some more 1500ml later i just happened to read the label, that's when i saw that per 100ml there is 5g of carbs! Disaster how can one brand of water be so different nutritionally wise? Or am i just majorly thick? That means i have consumed units without even realising it, i am so annoyed with myself all that hard work and i am worried that i am going to ruin next weeks results when i desperatly want 2lb off, so i have a plan....From tomorrow till i get weighed on tuesday evening i am going to have no units at all! Its the only way i can think to get this mistake undone. So gutted! Please dont tell me ive ruined it all! :( xxx

feeling good!

22/2/12
So yesterday was my weigh day after the first week on my new diet, i was so nervous i went between thinking i had'nt lost to thinking i may have put on on! I have done so much cooking, used new vegetables and ate more than i ever could when i was calorie counting so to say i was scared was an understatement. So imagine my complete shock and joy when i lost 7lb! half a stone i could'nt believe it and i could'nt stop smiling, things like this dont happen to fatties like me. It was just the boost i needed and i've woke up this morning excited to be carrying on with the diet. Being a seasoned dieter i am aware of a few facts tho, 1) i will have to watch my weight for the rest of my life, 2) I wont lose that much next week and 3) its still going to take willpower. But i am so excited to have such a boost and such a good start, if i can loose 2lb a week from now on then i will reach my self set target of 3 stone by July. I'm 30 in July and that 3 stone off would be that i would be overweight not obese at the age of 30, and that is what i want. I have never felt so inspired in all my life. For now tho i have some little targets that i can achieve more quickly than my birthday to keep me going, the first is revenge on the work trousers mentioned in earlier posts, as you will remember they burst open on me just after christmas forcing me to get a bigger size. These have now been fixed and i am determined to wear them again, so when i get into them again that will be another goal reached. The second is to wear jeans again, i mean proper jeans not the elasticated fat jeans im wearing at the moment. You know what tho for the first time in about a year i feel that i will be able to do this xxx

a new week, a better week?

20/2/12
So today its monday, normally like the rest of the human race i gate mondays, today i am glad its monday. Cause boy i have had the weekend from hell, as you have probably guessed Sam as been a nightmare again, ive had shoes thrown at me, been punched, contents of my house thrown around and a 4 year old with a willpower of steel when it comes to going to bed. Add to the mix that its my weekend to have the stepchildren and my daughter decided to tell me she had to make a rainforest on friday , you get a very stressed, busy and full to the brim household. Sam kicking off was the last thing i needed. It got me to thinking when i get 'skinny' will i do another blog? the options are endless , 'life of a stepmother' or 'life being beaten by your 4 year old and the proffessionals wont listen'. So i guess you can kind of figure why monday came as a blessed relief. I am also nervous and excited about tuesday, tuesday being the results of the new diet i am trying. I cant wait to see the results, yet i am also nervous incase it isnt the result i want. What if i have been doing the diet wrong? What if i put on???? Im also nervous about being weighed in the evening, i normally weigh myself butt naked first thing in the morning after a wee and poo if im lucky. However being weighed of an evening means i will have been eating all day, i will be dressed and i know that my body weighs less in the morning, ive even considered not eating till after ive been weighed.... however for a foodie like me this just wouldnt be an option. God i hope ive found the answer this time, then my weight will be one less thing for me to worry about xxx

always a foodoholic

18/2/12
So im now on day 4 of my new diet and i have got to say i am loving it, i have never done so much cooking in all my life but the meals are amazing, i just hope it is working, ive never enjoyed a diet before so im worried that im not going to loose tuesday. I have double checked several times and it seems i am doing the diet correctly so tuesday will hold the answers- the proof is in the pudding as they say! The smoking however as not been going so well, im trying i really am but i have relasped a few times, although im smoking  alot less than i ever used too. For the first time i seem happy which as alot of you know as a long term depressive this is a major achievement! Im so hopeful now that maybe i can combat this once and for all, the fat stick woman as gone, but only to be replaced with a new one, cause ive decided my new target is 42 pounds, or 3 stones, hopefully by july. Now this will still make me a fatty but it will make me more chubby and less hippo. I will always be a foodoholic, i will always drool over cakes and chocolate and i will always have a fat arse cause thats just how im built, but i need to resist to think of the long term. It aint going to be easy especially as in 2 short weeks i have sams birthday cake, which means resisiting that but i finally feel back in the zone. And at the moment the zone feels good! xxx