28/12/11
Yesterday was not a good day. I spent most of it emotionally drained and upset, it started off so great and then Sam started, by 11am he still wasnt dressed and was really playing me up, wii remotes got thrown, i had several smacks in the face and a kick in the shins, in the end I literally had to pin him down to calm him down as he got more and more out of control, his room was trashed, im covered in scratches. I think that was when the stress of the last week hit me, Sam was out of control christmas day and then again boxing day add that to the fact that the hospital didnt go well last week. For years I have been told that i will have to wait until Sam is 6 until he can be assessed, but then miracles of miracles one doctor believed me, she noted that he also had a few physical traits that may point towards a chromosonal disorder and we got refered. That was where the progress ended, my ex husband believes their is nothing wrong with Sam and the minute the doctor at the hospital heard Sam was from a split family she clung to that knowledge and refused to investigate any further, instead i am going to get some 'help' with dealing with a broken family. No one listens to me, they ignore the fact that Sam as been like this since he was one and we didnt split up until he was three. For days I have been trying to put it to the back of my mind i didnt face it until yesterday when i realised that Sam is only going to get bigger and stronger and I am going to have to continue to deal with it alone.
So when he finally went to his dads for a while i did what i always do, without even thinking about it, i attacked the kitchen going through it like pac man till my poor stomach could take no more i then slept most of the afternoon. Nice one Julie!
Later on, i looked through my christmas pics and trust me there is a reason they havent been uploaded to facebook yet, I cant believe how fat i have got, i only looked 'acceptable' in one picture, and that was just my face on show, leaning to the side so my chins fell behind my ears and couldnt be seen. Is that what i have to do for the rest of my life, just show my face? would be nice wouldnt it? then i wouldnt have to worry, then i could focus on one thing at a time, then i could just be me. I am determined today will be better, yet again i have had almost zero sleep so everything as been running through my mind, i have had to face the truth that i am on my own with Sam and it is up to me now, its up to me to get this weight off too, i need to stop hiding behind chocolate and start facing the world with a carrot stick, either that or i can save up to be hypnotised! I can just imagine it now ......'you dont need chocolate'......'cake is bad'.......'lettuce solves everything'
Nah cant imagine it working either! xx
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