OK so i said one day i would feel ready to share the full story of why i am so obsessed with loosing weight, binging and feel that i have developed an eating disorder. Today i feel ready to share the whole story. As i have said before i was always big from a little girl and although at times it bothered me, i kind of got used to being big, no one expected me any other way and i generally found that people just accepted me the way i was. Then i lost 7 stone and became less confident, paranoid and began to have a fear of both zips and buttons! So why did i start the weight loss journey in the first place?
One night my now ex husband and i was in bed, when he turned to me and said 'do you think you should loose weight i fancy a change?' that one sentence changed my life. I never said anything at the time, i was that shocked, i always thought seen as i had always been big that it never really bothered him, i was so upset but i didn't say a word, i went to sleep angry, upset and determined. I was going to loose weight i would show him! And so began my weight loss, from that night, in the middle of January i became obsessed, the very next morning i started my diet. It was a huge turning point for me, i think he thought that i would loose a few pounds and give up, after all i had a reputation for doing that, but i was going to get that weight off. Unfortunately i feel it also became the reason for my divorce. The more weight i lost the more i got noticed by men, and if I'm honest i liked it, I'm not proud and i wasn't unfaithful but i began paying attention to other men, i lapped it up i suppose, my ex however was not impressed. Suddenly i was going out all the time and of course the attention was all flattering now. We had one argument after another, one day i let rip about how much his words had hurt me and stayed with me, he apologised and said he never meant it to come out the way it did. To be honest i don't believe he did mean it maliciously, but the damage had already been done as they say. He wasn't trusting me and i was still angry with him and out to prove something, i just didn't know what yet.
That was the start of the end of our marriage i believe, along with him being made redundant, the pressures of life and me feeling somehow that something was missing. It is also why now i am so paranoid about my weight, i met my current boyfriend slim and i have got larger, he swears that it doesn't bother him but i will always feel the pressure to be what i was when he first met me, a depressive mess but a slim one at that. I am trying so hard to get back my confidence but i feel that now i know what it felt like to be 'normal' to be seen as Julie not fat Julie that i will never feel completely happy in my body ever again. xx
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