21/12/11
Every overeater as a serious side and this is mine, i dont want sympathy and im not making excuses after all everyone as problems and trust me there are loads worse off than me. For the past 2 years I have had crippling depression, days when i couldnt get out of bed, blarted at losing a pen and felt like everyone was talking about me and looking at me disaprovingly. There are many reasons why i fell so deep into the black hole, for a start me and my husband of 10 years split, im not going to use here as a tit for tat but all i will say is that no matter what the circumstances divorce hurts and it knocks your confidence tremendously. There is also Sam, he's my youngest and from the moment my waters broke 12 weeks into the pregnancy i have been on tenterhooks, he is nearly 5 now but i dont think i have still taken a proper relieved breath since that first scan. Sam is my miracle that i am so lucky to have and believe me i always appreciate that things could have been much worse, but i have been convinced since day 1 that something went wrong (in fact today he is at the hospital for tests), he is hyperactive to the extreme, i have found him hanging off the landing by his fingertips in the middle of the night, eating tubs of butter with a spoon and one easter he went downstairs and ate all of my eldest sons easter eggs. He rarely sleeps eats like a horse and yet is tiny but he can also be very violent, his 'tantrums' can last for hours as he kicks hell out of his door and me. You see i seem to be the one that takes all of his violence and the most upsetting thing for me is that while he is attacking me he is shouting he loves me at the same time. I can honestly say hand on heart that i havent had a full nights sleep for years now, even when sam sleeps i seem to be wondering the house in the early hours exhausted yet tense. None of this is an excuse for my over eating but i do want to make the point that being an emotional eater like me this can trigger night feasts to keep my weary eyes open.
Yet every cloud as a silver lining and mine is my wonderful bf, since we got together in november 2010 he as been so supportive and helpful he really is my star. Yet he as also helped me realise that i am me, not matter what i weigh or what size the tag in my clothes say. Every morning he greets me with a 'morning beautiful' and i know he means it. As i have got increasingly upset about my ever expending body he as repeatedly told me that now matter how big i get he will still love me, cause he loves me for me, my personality, the way i am with my kids, my patience , understanding, ability to talk to anyone and put them at ease and the way i put everyone before myself (gawd he makes me sound like a saint!- they were his words not mine!) Infact this blog idea came from him in a way, he as banned me from weighing myself continiously and told me that i will never be happy unless i accept that people do geniunely like me and dont look at me in disgust. The idea is i get to love myself warts and all and then loose the warts for me but safe in the knowledge that if those said lumps reappear no one will love me any less. Thankyou everyone for the support and please keep spreading the message, cause i know that my story mirrors thousands over the world, i want everyone to read it and know we aint alone but we are special in our own way xx
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