18/12/11
Its happened! the most horrifcally embarressing thing to a fatty as happened! As i mentioned in a previous post the only thing funnier than a person falling over is a fat person falling over.... yesterday that was me :(
So yesterday was our works kids christmas party and as all large ladies will know, for some reason we feel the need to make an extra effort with what we wear, we are always very conscious of how we are percieved and what people will think, so what should have been a pretty simple outing with kids in party clothes and parents in jeans and a jumper turned into a new wardrobe nightmare. Thankfully i settled with a pair of black trousers and a sparkly gold top that showed my cleavage nicely ( and hopefully take the attention away from my ever expanding arse) and mistake number one I teamed it with a nice pair of black heeled boots.
The party was going great, my 3 kids were having a whale of a time along with two of my stepchildren but my two youngest was also in a play last night so i had to leave the party early take them to their concert then shoot back and pick up the 3 boys and the bf. Except my youngest didnt want to leave and had lost his shoes, his jumper and his coat (dont ask) so by the time I had gathered the kids and got them to resemble the children i had bought in we raced round to the carpark. There i was doing a fast walk (you know the type that makes you look like you've had a accident) giving the kids a comentary on where i needed them to be, and at what time while also repeatedly telling Sam not to run as it was slippy when my heel slipped on some ice, and in that famous slow motion yet fast failing of arms and kicking of feet i went down like a sack of shit. But this sack of shit didnt land on her arse no instead all 3 chins, two huge bingo wings, thunder thighs and wobbly jelly belly landed on my little finger! My bloody pinkie finger! probably the only finger which doesnt look fat! I was wounded! Picking myself up and desperatly checking no one had seen i barely noticed the pain in my finger until the kids were deposited safely at their play (Sam as a shepherd with a tiger face- again dont ask) and had got back to the club. Thats when i noticed it was swollen and bleeding and possibly broken!
So im in agony but im also saying a little prayer of thanks to the man upstairs that no-one saw me. Cause lets face it there is also nothing worse than people seeing- or hearing! Which reminds me of a time many moons ago when i was pregnant with my eldest son, I had nipped in mothercare for a nursing bra which was upstairs, and because i am also of ample chest size the hammocks i required were on the bottom racking. So i crouched down looking for the elusive 42ff bra (dont worry that was just my pregnancy boobs i aint that big now!) when i suddenly lost my balance. Like a perfectly formed weeble i rolled around intill i let gravity win and simply fell over. I jumped up and said to my now ex husband ' do you think anyone saw?' too which he replied 'no but they bloody heard'......and part of me still worries that the security tape will show up on some cctv show.
Then recently rushing home from work to get a thousand things done i grabbed a handful of washing and started to decend the stairs unfortunatly i stood on a stray trouser leg and ended up somersaulting down the stairs the bumps sounding like the start of eastenders till i ended up at the bottom on my knee and a sock on my nose! So i think we have established a few things - im clumsy, possibly top heavy but i also have the most musical lumps of fat ever and so far i live to fight another dieting day, even if i do have my fingers strapped up.But what i also didnt mention is my lovely bf as also just bought me, 4 books, a painting by numbers and a 1000 piece jigsaw all to keep my fingers busy and my mouth closed- oops at least i can still eat xx
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