9/1/12
So how did i lose so much weight last time? The answer is pure and simple calorie counting, i simply focused on the calories and ignored everything else and it worked, i started on 1600 calories a day and became so obsessed that eventually i reduced myself to between 800-1000 calories a day. When i look back its obvious that going that low and then binging it was going to go back on eventually and here we are 4 stone back on. It as also left me with another lasting effect, i am like a walking calorie counter, i pretty much know how many calories are in literally everything, i also know the best chocolate bars to eat, the lowest sugar fix and ways to trick your body. For a start you will always find grapes in my freezer, cause if you close your eyes and watch tv or something to take your mind off whats in your mouth then you can convince yourself that the frozen grapes are actually boiled sweets, sort of , maybe....but at least it is something in your mouth! Time outs you know the chocolate wafer bar, 85 calories a stick, now if your really obsessed like me you can put it in the fridge, harden it and then eat it layer by layer. Sad aint i? I have even resorted to eating puddings frozen just so that they last longer! Weight watchers puddings of course! I am literally a walking encyclopedia, even to the point of it doing my long suffering bf and my work mates head it. He cannot understand why i will buy something simply for being a few calories less, how i will agonise over how many precise spoonfuls go into my hot chocolate. You see thats the weird thing with me, im either in the zone or not. If i am in the zone nothing can break me, if im feeling a little shaky even a bounty can break me ( and i hate bountys) This is what i mean about it giving me a eating disorder, food to me is no longer enjoyable, even if i enjoy it for the seconds its in my mouth the calories haunt me in my head. I cannot just pick up the cheapest available option in the supermarket and most of all i cant forgive myself. Poor Carol bless her (my work mate) will hear every little detail of what i have done wrong, every lb that as gone on my belly, i self critizise myself daily and beat myself up over every little hiccup. I should just sweep it under the carpet and carry on with my diet, but i cannot! It will cause tears, and guilt, remorse and self hatred over what i consider a major cheat. I was never this way before, i felt that i was me and no-one had ever known me any different, that one chocolate bar would not cause a lifetime of elasticated trousers, that when i was ready it would happen. Now i cant wait for me to be 'ready', now i have to count every calorie, i have even checked headache tablets for calorie contents!!! Drank green tea (just about swallowable if you shut off all your senses) and took laxatives. The really sad thing is that even tho i crave chocolate it is no longer a treat to my mind it is a punishment, a vicious circle in which i readily submit myself too...... now if you excuse me i will just go and check how many calories are in a mars bar xx
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