25/1/12
Ok so yet again i have woke up in pain, my tooth is still hurting, my throat is sore and im generally feeling a little down. It got me thinking about my body and what he represents to me, some people see their bodies as a mean fighting machine, a vessel for a healthy soul, body and mind. Me? We have a turbulant relationship. In some ways i feel my body as let me down, and i know that alot of it is my own fault, in other ways im proud of all it as been through. Now i am going to give you prior warning here that you may not want to read this if you dont like gruesome things, or are a little squeamish, but again i promised to be honest and in a weird 'julie' way i do think this as something to do with why i treat my body the way i do.
Why am i proud of my body? Well it generally does what it is supposed to do, it looks female even tho im fat, im very proud of my huge rack and it as given birth naturally to 3 gorgeous healthy children, it procreates, it pumps blood and it keeps me alive. In a way tho by being this good to me my body as took a battering and is now not performing perhaps the way it should, is this my fault? Or is it just that it cant take anymore? Let me explain...............
As i have touched on before, Sam was a turbulant pregnancy and birth but what i havent expressed is how this as effected me long term. When i was 12 weeks pregnant my waters broke, the prognosis was grim, the most possible outcome being that he just wouldnt survive, i held onto him until 28 weeks and all that time i willed my body to protect him, and it worked Sam was born tiny but strong and at that moment i couldnt have cared less if i was fat, my body had protected my son and fought to work, unfortunatly the story doesnt end there...........From 19 weeks onwards Sam was kicking my placenta, it was literally falling apart inside me, by the time i gave birth to Sam it was a broken mess. I was very poorly during the labour i could feel myself going, and the doctors were obviously also aware of the urgency. The minute Sam was born they realised they didnt have time to get me to theatre to remove the placenta. While awake the doctor had to manually remove my placenta...now trying to be as non graphic as possible, this meant using his hand to pull the broken pieces out. My insides are now a scarred mess, i dont blame the doctor he did what he had too and as horrific as the memories are i would do it all over again. The problem is that since Sams birth I have pretty much been on my period constantly, i will have a few 'normal' months but then i will bleed for weeks sometimes months non stop. This is when i get really down, try being on your period all the time! The cramps, the tears and just wanting to stick as many snickers in your mouth as possible. It is also the physical side of things tho, i started going swimming, i was really enjoying it and i could feel myself getting toned up, i now havent been for months because i cant. So what now? Well i need to get past this reward/punishment of my body and just accept it. Its an awful thing to wish for but im hoping one day soon the doctors will agree to give me an hysterectomy or something anything! Im sorry todays blog is all serious but i just want to get accross that sometimes its more than greediness, sometimes its that you dont know whether to love your body or hate it xxx
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